Saturday, 29 October 2011

The Magic and Madness of Ebay, Part 4 - Djinn and Tonic

I don't know about you, but I'm knackered. It's half term, and the kids need entertaining. We threw a Halloween party for them yesterday, we've got house sale stuff to sort out, and I keep seeing reminders of exactly how many shopping days there are until Christmas. My husband - tired of going out to work every morning before it's properly light and coming back at dusk - has often opined that he could do with a stunt double, and I think he could be on to something.

Imagine the advantages! We've all read the tabloid stories about the guy who sat his twin's driving test for him - but that seems a weeny bit unimaginative. The only thing I have in common with an athlete is a pasta-heavy diet, but I'd love photos of myself completing the London Marathon. Or an Olympic medal - how cool would that be? A duplicate whom I could command to do those daily laps of the park would be great. And if she could be made to endure the annual horror of 'buying a swimsuit from the high street', so much the better. What would your doppelgänger do for you?

Bitch - you stay out there til those windows SPARKLE!

Sadly, even if one has an identical sibling, I'm reliably informed that there's no guarantee they'll be willing to work at your job as well as their own, and most draw the line at scrubbing your oven whilst you luxuriate in the bath. If only there was some way to make another version of yourself - without the associated stretch marks, back-chat and sleeplessness I've suffered using the regular method. [Also, my mini-mes have come out with a penis apiece, surely some mistake?].

But clearly only a unethical geneticist  storybook genie could possibly have the power to create a true clone.  And who has the time these days to travel to deepest Persia, searching for an antediluvian enchanted lamp? Ok, so you probably know by now where this is leading, but wouldn't it be amazing to be able to harvest the awesome power of a genuine Genie? Oh Ebay, how could I have thought I'd ever exhausted your supply of  slightly unhinged sellers? As they redouble their efforts for Halloween, it must surely be time for The Magic and Madness of Ebay part 4.


I'd tried the usual suspects - but Black Forest Magick and A New Golden Dawn could only offer enchantments done by the usual witches and wizards of ancient lineage, taught by a powerful ancestor...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yawn. Been there, done that. Then I found seemingly innocuous seller Coffee596. Oh, hang on, there's an 'about me'. She's actually Jessica Black, and - what a surprise - her Grandmother taught her the ancient art of magic when she was a little girl

Aladdin was thrilled with his Ebay purchase

BUT - she does have a genie! Hardly anyone has a genie these days. [Well, aside from all the sellers offering the djinn spirit equivalent of the vampire jewellery.] And look - she's offering a rare 'Have and Control your own Clone' spell! How fortuitous. And how lucky that I found the listing just before it ended. Despite having sold 96 of it already, and the fact that it's automatically relisted, the spell "will not be offered on Ebay again". She also has 'a strong following of wealthy and famous clients', who I'm guessing include Louis Walsh. [Worry not Westlife fans, for as they replaced Boyzone, so shall another identikit band of featureless crooners arrive to take their places on the stools of mediocrity.]

It always seemed to be Kian's turn to get the coffee...

Anyway, for the minuscule price of £3.73 - or half a Cher Lloyd CD - our possibly blue pal will be able to deliver you 'an exact clone of yourself'.

"You could have the clone go into work for you, while you relax on the beach. The clone is your complete puppet. It will obey your every command. It has every skill and ability that you have. Be in two places at once. You could use this amazing clone to complete unpleasant tasks, get more done, get two jobs at once, or even find more lovers..."

At last an explanation for the ubiquitous Katie Price, and her 'alter-ego' Jordan. She must be another of these celebrity clients. That's how she's able to appear in every magazine simultaneously, whilst juggling her roster of d-list boyfriends. But I know what you're thinking. We don't all have deals with Sky Living or ITV2 - how am I going to manage with another mouth to feed? 

"This clone does not need to be fed or maintained. And it will be completely loyal to only you"

Phew. So no undignified grappling with yourself for the last jaffa cake.  But doesn't need to be 'maintained'? I'm not sure I'm fully clear on the specifics of that. Better send an email, just to be on the safe side:

Dear Jessica,

I was just wondering whether the clone needs shelter in the same way as us? It's great that it doesn't need to be fed, but we don't have a spare room. Will it be happy living in the garage - at least to start off with? Once I can work two jobs we should be able to move to a bigger house though. 

Best wishes

I've no idea why she hasn't replied. I do hope my reputation has not preceded me. But hey - I'm sure we can work all this out once my clone has been delivered  manifested itself. And I guess it can't be that much of a problem, as - "You can have as many clones as you like!" It'll be like the paranormal Downton Abbey. Daisy, that lamp isn't going to polish itself!

Yes, they're all me!

Mind you, much as I fancy having a clone, I don't know if I'd say it was my dearest wish. What about my pre-baby boobs? And like, world peace and stuff? Maybe if I got three wishes, the army of clones could just be one of them. Ha! I've outsmarted you, Genie! Let's see, shall we: 

"Original 3 wishes from a 1000 year old genie! Attract that sexy fun person for a lasting relationship...attract the wealth that you need in these hard times...these wishes can be customized uniquely for you and your situation. They can be used to help you knock down any obstacles in your life"

Claire's dearest wish was to date Thing from the Addams Family...

Sounds amazing doesn't it? If only the ancient Djinn could help people see the truth revealed in the sales pitch:

"Don't pay for the other knock offs with minimal results" 

No indeed - pay for this knock off with minimal results!

To paraphrase the old idiom - if wishes were lipsticks, we'd all be Kate Moss.

Lakota x


  1. Lakota, you get funnier with every entry to Ebay Madness! Maybe your clone can live near me and be my best hilarious friend?

    K xx

  2. Too, too funny! Love these posts.xx.

  3. Great post!!! Just when we think we might be border line crazy all we need to do is check out Ebay. Then we'll be put at ease knowing there's bigger nut jobs out there.

    Lord!! That's some crazy item being sold.

  4. Oh yes, I'm tired too. I've been racking my brain for a couple of hours as to what I'd like my clone to do.
    Trouble is, I have lots of questions for Jessica regarding the use of clones, and how to look after them and as you're still waiting for a reply, I don't fancy my chances.
    Here's what chores I'd line up for my clone:
    School run - clone
    Supermarket - clone
    Ironing - clone
    Homework - clone
    Washing up - clone
    Kids Parties - clone
    Petrol in car - clone
    Packed lunches - clone
    Take kids to doctor/dentist - clone
    Small talk with weird guy over road - clone

    What would I do with all the spare time?

  5. Hahaha this made me laugh so much. I cannot believe that someone is trying to sell this tosh. Who buys it?!

  6. great post. I would try to alternate working with my clone so we could both have some actually free free-time. And so we could blame each othet for mistakes and alway pretend to be the other one.

  7. As I was reading your post my son, who is watching an old episode of Come Dine With Me and has no idea what I am reading, said "I have a GREAT idea ..they should do a CDWM show with people who look exactly like celebrities!" (No I don't happen to agree that it's a great idea - the show is annoying enough as it is.)

    But at least we know what celebrities could do with their clones. :)

    I guess I'd like a clone who would fly to France every school holiday and pick up the kids. I am TERRIFIED of flying and always have a little panic attack as we take-off. Never gets easier.

  8. I do love your ebay explorations! How oh how do you find them?????? Hilarious! I'd only want one if it was like Robin Williams- he is the main reason for watching Aladdin!

  9. classic Lakota! boybands on their... stools of mediocrity, heh! your a total crack up!
    I want my clone pronto so she can go hang out with the mother in law and smile kindly every time she whined, meanwhile I would be happily blog hopping with a nice cup of cha elsewhere...

  10. thanks for the giggles Lakota!

    There's an award for you over at mine x

  11. You could have a whole blog on ebay maddness where u could publish your correspondence with such sellers. I'm just bitter these people are more ridiculous than me and making more money as well. Boooo hooo. Thinking of becoming a party clown for extra income. Now that I'm single with more free time. Thoughts?

  12. hahaha thanks for the funny entry!

  13. Fuck me, you're funny. I bet my clone would never swear!

    Sarah xxx

  14. Brilliant! Do people SERIOUSLY fall for this crap?!

  15. Words fail me. Do people seriously buy into such crap? As always I'm amazed by your powers to find such madness on eBay.
    You are hilarious!
    Loving what you did last night. I wouldn't have a clue about any of those slebs on Strictly, either. x

  16. I love your Ebay Madness posts, Lakota!
    Like Lucy, I would LOVE a clone for packed lunch and homework duties, but any household chore would be happily handed over...
    That's got the Christmas shopping sewn up this year then - clones all round! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  17. Stupendous. SteeeeeeeeewwwwwwPENDOUS!!! What an utter load of old shit. Who ARE these people??? No - scrap that. Who ARE the people who buy this?

    *big massive SIGH*

  18. Oh for a clone! I'm imagining the spoils of an extra income. Time to start thinking about that trip to New York I've fancied for a while. Total bargain if you ask me ;-)

    Jem xXx

  19. Really made me laugh. I could definitely do with a clone for housework, ironing and washing, oh and cleaning the catfood bowls and mouse remnants that they leave on teh kitchen floor every morning which has to be my least favourite job ever.

  20. mwuahahaha , let me know when your email got a reply, i really want to know what she said, well for £3.73, that's tempting indeed! i'm so amazed what people sell on ebay!

    x susan

  21. A clone is defo on my birthday list, brilliant! And so handy that i can get one on ebay to save the effort of trying to find one on the highstreet ;o) Scarlett x

  22. Well still swearing in pain but also laughing out loud at home alone. The neighbors must think I am a little crazy. Im very interested in t his clone thing though, and how it will 'find me more lovers'? I very much doubt its the fact there is only one of me that is the problem here.

  23. You really made me laugh! Thank you for that.. It makes me
    forget my problems right now.:)I really like your post it's so funny. Thank you. God Bless ^_^


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