Men eh? They don't understand the appeal of vintage C&A, they mutter darkly about your boot-sale bargains, they fill the shed with 'useful wood' but still haven't got around to putting up those shelves. And that's the good ones. My husband hasn't even noticed the change to my voodoo hoodoo enhanced booty.
But thanks to Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books a whole generation of teenage girls is newly convinced their Prince will come complete with fangs, and who am I to argue? Ok, so it is kind of creepy to have a boyfriend who'll sneak into your room and watch you while you sleep, but on the plus side Edward will never leave the loo seat up. [His kind of vampire never needs to tinkle. Just sparkle and twinkle]. Mortal boys can't begin to compare.
Cullen in the name of...
Gosh, Edward's neat. And those cute Salvatore brothers too - from The Vampire Diaries. If only there was a way to have your own vampire boyfriend. Like those Spirit Dolls I found, but maybe the vessel could be a really cool piece of jewellery, so I could keep him close to me always. What's that? There are sellers on Ebay who can conjure me up my very own vampire spirit and trap it in some kind of tacky heart related geegaw? I'm in! Welcome to the Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 3!
Yup, you heard correctly, despite general vampire lore declaring that vampires are soulless entities in the first place, apparently there are loads of them who have passed over onto the spiritual plane, and are just itching to be hooked up with lonely singletons who've read Breaking Dawn one too many times. It's kind of like Match.com for the undead, without the tedious dating bit.
Nosferatu: age 988
Likes: Nightlife, heritage buildings, snow-boarding
WLTM: open-minded jewellery loving lady
Master Andreas of Black Forest
Gateau Magick on Ebay seems to know all about it:
"Very often a Vampire will choose the one they wish to be with, whether because of a past life association, or because a pre-destined need. .. The energy of the Vampire can transcend the barrier of your computer screen, reaching out to call their desired Chosen ONE!
Who knew Freedom at Topshop could offer so much?
Instructions vary depending on which seller you use, but I was quite taken by this guidance on how to bond with your new love. They suggest that you carry the vessel 24/7 for a minimum of 30 days. "However removing the vessel to bathe, shower, swim or exercise is fine." Have you got everything from your locker? Swimsuit, goggles, towel, Vampire spirit vessel...?
Obviously being a mature and sensible mother of two I don't spend a whole lot of time lusting after celibate 17 year olds with boundary issues *crosses fingers behind back, and ACTUALLY he was born in 1901* , but that's not to say this lady doesn't like a vamp. I grew up with them. Well, not literally, although I would totally have joined the motorcycle gang in The Lost Boys. [Before there was drippy Bella, there was hippy Star. Admit it, those of you my kind of age all lusted after Jamie Gertz's peasant skirts and scarves combo]. And who could forget Buffy, who wasn't especially good at actually ridding the world of vampires - at least not the ones she fancied.
Quick, we've only got 24hrs to make everyone in Santa Carla a vampire
Buffy and her boys
But ladies, I have grown up, and put away childish things. Obviously I'm not going to be taken in by necklaces which offer a vampire soul-mate. I mean really, orgasm of the soul? Do these people think I'm an idiot? Clearly I'm more interested in the regular kind. I've seen Sookie in True Blood and I want some of what she's having!
Luckily, a quick search reveals that many vampire spirits are indeed of the erotic variety, and sellers go so far as to suggest that in addition to such side-effects as 'increased libido, increased sexual stamina, multiple orgasms, more attention from others, increased vitality and health...' there may also be 'sexual visitations from the vampire'! Holy moly. This gets better and better. I'd quite like to see some testimonials from happy customers first though, wouldn't you? Look away now if poor spelling and grammar offend you. Oh, and arrant nonsense.
And apparently I shouldn't worry about the fact that I'm already, you know, married. That's ok. In fact our old friends at A New Golden Dawn assure me that:
Well that's the ethical considerations and Christmas sorted. But I know the kind of guy I want. You saw him a bit further up the page. Not Alexander Skarsgard - he just plays him in True Blood. My current fictional man crush is Eric Northman, Viking vampire and local business owner, created by Charlaine Harris in her Southern Vampire Chronicles. Not that Skarsgard does a bad job, you understand. In fact, let's have another photograph of him for illustrative purposes shall we?
The Norseman Northman. Not bad for a dead dude.
Anyway, that's the kind of vamp lover I'm interested in. And would you believe it, Black Forest Magick will do you a 'custom conjure' for only $125. Yep, you can specify age, nationality, character traits...and the man in question will 'live' in this amethyst ring instead of Sweden.
I may just have sent the following email to see whether they had any Vikings in stock:
Whoop! If you don't see me around for a while, you can draw your own conclusions. I do just have one more concern though - we've all seen The Lost Boys, right? Will my pointy toothed beau send the goldfish crazy? Seems I've got no reason to worry here either - "as for pets, it's been our experience that most get on fabulously and many vampire spirits are fond of animals."