Monday, 1 August 2011

Love Never Dies...The Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 3

Men eh? They don't understand the appeal of vintage C&A, they mutter darkly about your boot-sale bargains, they fill the shed with 'useful wood' but still haven't got around to putting up those shelves.  And that's the good ones. My husband hasn't even noticed the change to my voodoo hoodoo enhanced booty

But thanks to Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books a whole generation of teenage girls is newly convinced their Prince will come complete with fangs, and who am I to argue? Ok, so it is kind of creepy to have a boyfriend who'll sneak into your room and watch you while you sleep, but on the plus side Edward will never leave the loo seat up. [His kind of vampire never needs to tinkle. Just sparkle and twinkle]. Mortal boys can't begin to compare.  

Cullen in the name of... 

Gosh, Edward's neat. And those cute Salvatore brothers too - from The Vampire Diaries. If only there was a way to have your own vampire boyfriend. Like those Spirit Dolls I found, but maybe the vessel could be a really cool piece of jewellery, so I could keep him close to me always. What's that? There are sellers on Ebay who can conjure me up my very own vampire spirit and trap it in some kind of tacky heart related geegaw? I'm in! Welcome to the Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 3! 

Yup, you heard correctly, despite general vampire lore declaring that vampires are soulless entities in the first place, apparently there are loads of them who have passed over onto the spiritual plane, and are just itching to be hooked up with lonely singletons who've read Breaking Dawn one too many times. It's kind of like Match.com for the undead, without the tedious dating bit. 

Nosferatu:  age 988
Likes: Nightlife, heritage buildings, snow-boarding
WLTM: open-minded jewellery loving lady

Master Andreas of Black Forest Gateau Magick on Ebay seems to know all about it:

"Very often a Vampire will choose the one they wish to be with, whether because of a past life association, or because a pre-destined need. .. The energy of the Vampire can transcend the barrier of your computer screen, reaching out to call their desired Chosen ONE!
LISTEN!!!"


Yes! I mean that's what so great about Edward and Bella, right? Their union is eternal, it's meant to be (once Bella's made up her mind about the whole Jacob issue). Master Andreas claims that one buyer's union with her spirit vampire love was so intense she was left 'weeping tears of pure joy at the intensity and bliss of the moment' . They became 'one heart and one breath - an orgasm of the soul'. 

Who knew Freedom at Topshop could offer so much?

Instructions vary depending on which seller you use, but I was quite taken by this guidance on how to bond with your new love. They suggest that you carry the vessel 24/7 for a minimum of 30 days. "However removing the vessel to bathe, shower, swim or exercise is fine." Have you got everything from your locker? Swimsuit, goggles, towel, Vampire spirit vessel...?

**********

Obviously being a mature and sensible mother of two I don't spend a whole lot of time lusting after celibate 17 year olds with boundary issues *crosses fingers behind back, and ACTUALLY he was born in 1901* , but that's not to say this lady doesn't like a vamp. I grew up with them. Well, not literally, although I would totally have joined the motorcycle gang in The Lost Boys. [Before there was drippy Bella, there was hippy Star. Admit it, those of you my kind of age all lusted after Jamie Gertz's peasant skirts and scarves combo]. And who could forget Buffy, who wasn't especially good at actually ridding the world of vampires - at least not the ones she fancied. 

Quick, we've only got 24hrs to make everyone in Santa Carla a vampire

Buffy and her boys

But ladies, I have grown up, and put away childish things. Obviously I'm not going to be taken in by necklaces which offer a vampire soul-mate. I mean really, orgasm of the soul? Do these people think I'm an idiot? Clearly I'm more interested in the regular kind. I've seen Sookie in True Blood and I want some of what she's having!


Sookeh!

Screw the soulmate, bring on the orgasms! 

Luckily, a quick search reveals that many vampire spirits are indeed of the erotic variety, and sellers go so far as to suggest that in addition to such side-effects as 'increased libido, increased sexual stamina, multiple orgasms, more attention from others, increased vitality and health...' there may also be 'sexual visitations from the vampire'! Holy moly. This gets better and better. I'd quite like to see some testimonials from happy customers first though, wouldn't you? Look away now if poor spelling and grammar offend you. Oh, and arrant nonsense.

"A**** is so wonderful! I'm in heaven! LOL! He is just so sexy! Remember how I wrote you about him waking me up with kisses? Well it just got better! I'm so happy! I'm thinking of bringing another Vamp into our little family. Kind of a Menage a tois! LOL! Do think that would be okey?"

" I was just drifting off to sleep and it felt like someone sat on the bed. At first I was like WTF? It was kinda creepy. then I felt this warm feeling. It started down there-you know lol then it was like B***** was talking to me. I swear I was awake! I heard him and felt his hands touching me. It was blowing my mind! Then it was like well pretty special if you know what I mean lol. Hope this does'nt make me a pervert lol. I'll write you later with more details. lol."

[I love the way they've blanked out the vamps' names, you know, for their privacy. And pervert? Course not. Lol]


"I wanted to tell you that you vampires are grate. I got som from other places but can no see or feel them at all. I feel both mine all the time. I am working on being more psycic like you said with the meditation. It works cause I can hear my luvs talking to me now."

[Personally I'd be working on being more sane with medication, but that's just me]

**********

And apparently I shouldn't worry about the fact that I'm already, you know, married. That's ok. In fact our old friends at A New Golden Dawn assure me that:

"If you are in a relationship or married, there is No need to feel guilty about your pleasures! You are not 'cheating' on your Human partner! Think of this Vampire Companion as a 'Marital Aide'. He will re-energize your libido and breath new life into a relationship grown tired. You might even consider getting your human male partner a female Erotic Vampire Spirit!"

Well that's the ethical considerations and Christmas sorted. But I know the kind of guy I want. You saw him a  bit further up the page. Not Alexander Skarsgard - he just plays him in True Blood. My current fictional man crush is Eric Northman, Viking vampire and local business owner, created by Charlaine Harris in her Southern Vampire Chronicles. Not that Skarsgard does a bad job, you understand. In fact, let's have another photograph of him for illustrative purposes shall we?

The Norseman Northman. Not bad for a dead dude.

Anyway, that's the kind of vamp lover I'm interested in. And would you believe it, Black Forest Magick will do you a 'custom conjure' for only $125. Yep, you can specify age, nationality, character traits...and the man in question will 'live' in this amethyst ring instead of Sweden.


I may just have sent the following email to see whether they had any Vikings in stock:

Dear Black Forest Magick

I was wondering if you would be able to find me a Nordic Vampire spirit? I feel a real connection with the Vikings and would love to bond with one. Ideally I would want a very strong erotic powerful spirit, who would be protective of me. I have had strong dreams of this already. I hope you can help. The ring is perfect and really called to me. Please let me know I am keen to start my journey with vampire spirits.

Lakota

And guess what? I got a reply! 

Greetings,
It is no problem for a Viking or Nordic Vampire Spirit to be called. There are many and I have bound them before.
Blessings to you my friend,
Master Andreas

Whoop! If you don't see me around for a while, you can draw your own conclusions. I do just have one more concern though - we've all seen The Lost Boys, right? Will my pointy toothed beau send the goldfish crazy? Seems I've got no reason to worry here either - "as for pets, it's been our experience that most get on fabulously and many vampire spirits are fond of animals."

Phew.


Lakota x


PS. Have you seen my giveaway to win a necklace from Stall 21? Vampire Lover not included

46 comments:

  1. I am cracking up you have cheered my black heart today. Are you for real?
    I dont like to mess with spirits. you can get the wrong one amor. Can cause havak in your life and negativity.
    ooh giveaway I'm on it.

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  2. Blimey is all I can say! Beefcake, vamps and nutters all in one post! Will i be seeing a bust up between vampire and owner on j Kyle soon? ;o) Scarlett x

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  3. Brilliant wheeze to email them! Mind yourself if you feel someone sitting on your bed tonight, Master Andreas might send you a freebie.
    x

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  4. OMG!!! This was an awesome post. I absolutely LOVE IT!!!

    Lost Boys, Interview with a Vampire, Twilight.... I do love me some vampires.

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  5. My boss told me I looked like "one of those sparkly vampires from that Twilight thing" "In a good way".
    Great post. It made me smile.
    x

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  6. Orgasm of the soul! Vampires are grate! Your post is awesome and had me doing some 'lol'ing. I checked out the "grateness" for myself on eBay and was pretty surprised by the variety! Not to mention just how many of these suckers (haha, get it?) have sold. I'm off to work on my meditation so I can be more "psycic" too. Who knows what sort of vamp is out there waiting for me! I'm leaning towards "Scarlet Black - lesbian vampire extraordinaire "Very Rare"!!

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  7. This post just made my Monday. Pure brilliance!!

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  8. Ah, there are some trusting souls out there, aren't there? And some pretty awful people who'll take advantage. Made me giggle though!

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  9. Ahahahaha! Oh dearie me, the things some people believe in. Personally I find this almost as creepy as the people who buy the fake baby doll things. *shudders*

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  10. 'There are many' Eric Northmans (Northmen?) around?! Awesome! Why do I not already have a trio of hot Vampire Souls?
    This is possibly the best post I've read anywhere for a long, long time. Genius.

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  11. Bugger all that just dye your hair black, pile on the silver tat and go round the charity shops of the West Midlands. You could have our local vampire for a fraction of the effort!
    Marvellous stuff, how on earth do you find this madness?
    Lost Boys was a top film, never was Keifer sexier, also a massive fan of Gary Oldman's Dracula (phwoar) and the absolute lust fest that was Interview with The Vampire. x

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  12. After watching True Blood last week I might have said, "I'd have Eric Northman's babies...if vampires could have babies...and if he wasn't a fictional character." *swoon* I'd definitely ask for his vampire spirit!

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  13. Holy. That is all I have to say. Nucking futs. I couldnt even look it up myself Lakota. Its just too darn escary!

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  14. hubba hubba come to momma the norseman northman, i drool all over him whenever i saw him in true blood! you really are cracking me up, Lakota! hahahahaha can't believe u really sent a message to the black forest gateu, i mean magic hehehe oh gosh, reading all those testosterone, i mean testimonials from those ladies are making me LOL !!! i salute you for those yummylicious hot vampires photos, im having orgasm already without having the vessel hahaha you know it starts down there wuahahahaha dang, this is so hillarious!!!!!!

    x susan

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  15. I had no idea...

    Fantastic post. Thank you thank you for planting a smile on my face this rainy monday evening.

    (And it's never coals to Newcastle as far as jewellery is concerned!! Thanks for letting me know about your giveaway.) Em xx

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  16. Flippin' 'eck - whatever next? Thanks for this most amusing post. I am feeling so totally boringly sane now that I am now off to ebay to find me some madness...
    x

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  17. Check out what I found for you!

    http://generalpattern.bigcartel.com/product/cream-cotton-tote-bag

    Only £8! x

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  18. Oh god I've had the biggest female boner for Eric since I started watching the show! He is absolute male perfection! *drooooooooooools*

    I've always had a thing for Spike from Buffy but I'm not afraid to say Eric Northman has surpassed my life long crush on Spike!

    I would definitely like to step into Sookie's body just for one night with Eric LMAO!

    *sigh* We can dream.....and I'm off to do that right now! Wish me luck! Hahahaha! xxx

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  19. Did they know that a vibrator is much cheaper, and probably more effective. Plus if wore one of those round your neck its a better warning to others that your a total nutcase rather than some subtle heart necklace. Very funny blog post!

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  20. Awesome post, made me smile! I like vampires, but I love the nasty Salvatore brother best, scrummy!

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  21. Hilarious post, Lakota - absolutely love it! :-)

    Jem xXx

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  22. Oh my - you're getting my heart thumping with the Eric the Northman photos. Phew. Seriously - the trash that is available on ebay and etsy just totally astounds me - does anyone actually buy this shit? I had a bf when I was a perky little goth back in the 90s who told me he was a vampire. As he said it bats flew past my window. No joke! Still he didn't stay my bf for long because he kept needing to 'feed his thirst' with many other not so perky goths.

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  23. LOL! You do make me larf! I'd personally buy the ring, if there is even a slight chance that Eric Northman will visit me in my bed chamber. Have you read the Charlaine Harris books? They are so much better than "True Blood". Though to be honest having read the books, "True Blood" kinda ruins them. Not that I'm doing anything more than droolng when I'm watching it. ;0)

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  24. VAmpires are freaky and I don't even want to read about them but you cracked me up with this post. So hilarious, but on a serious note, I can't believe you can find this on ebay, so insane!

    love,mongs
    mythriftycloset.blogspot.com

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  25. mwahaha, I do like these posts, keep them coming!If I had a dog, I would be so dissapointed it it didn't like getting dressed up. I know that's wrong, but I just would.

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  26. totally brilliant investigative blogging m'dear. glad I worked out it was tacky jewellery they were flogging - at first I wondered whether the spirit vampire would be plus p&p or cash on collection ;) x

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  27. This e-bay series deserves a spot of it's own in a magazine or paper. Please tell me there'll be a part 4?

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  28. Hehe this is hilarious! I have to admit that Edward is my secret crush.... xx

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  29. Ohh I felt like a school girl again when I watched Edward and then back to my age when I think how long ago we drooled over The lost boys......LOVED that movie. ....Great post Lakota.

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  30. I'm always a little nervous when your posts have titles with the word ebay in them Lakota...I never know what kooky, creepy, trashy, disturbing stuff I'll find out about...no exception today. I don't get the whole vampire thing, the last vampire movie I saw was Andy Wharhol's Death for Dracula ( I think it was called that...it was a double with Flesh for Frankenstein) At the Drive-In too! That's how long ago it was! x

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  31. Haha, blimey the things people do eh, I had no idea... think I might have to check this out on Ebay for myself! (I do quite like that purple necklace though, despite the scariness factor) xxx

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  32. Bwahahahaha. I vant to *BLEEP* your soul! Thanks for sharing this vital ebay offering. Love your sense of humor.

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  33. O,hell,what a brillant post!! Killer stuff!That Skarsgaad dude is rather hawt.I do quite like true Blood,and I did like Buffy,but that's as far as it goes!
    yes,Curtise and PastCaring are one and the same.
    xxx

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  34. Geegaws (what a GREAT word), snowboarding nosferatu, lots of larfs in here Lakota even though the vampire craze has completely bypassed me (fancying Alan Rickman as Snape doesn't count does it?!)
    More please!

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  35. Hi my dear-what a fun post with some cute photos too, the doggy at the end is soo sweet! Enjoy your holidays too xxx

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  36. Oh f*ck I have laughed from start to finish - this is priceless!

    "Screw the soulmate, bring on the orgasms!"

    I'm with you!

    Love it - thanks so much, Lakota!

    Sarah xxx

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  37. Wow. I am actually speechless. So sad that vunerable people are being taken in like this!

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  38. Loving your blog, I do love Twilight for my sins, and I loved the nostalgic look back at 'The Lost Boys!' I actually have the soundtrack on my iPod, good childhood listening!

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  39. Well we may be able to carry our vampire lovers around our necks...but will he do the dishes?

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  40. You are soooo funny! Cannot believe people pedal this junk!

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  41. Don't worry about the goldfish, they'll be fine. But I wouldn't recommend getting a takeaway while your spirit lover's in the house! Always loved that scene.

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  42. Omg just found your blog and have just sat and laughed for 10 mins,what a tonic! as I was having a shitty day,can I say that ??
    What a fabbytastic post,I was drawn to this post simply because I noticed sweet Edward,whoww my beating heart,yes my friends say ohh youre older enough to be his mam(I'm 43 )but it dosent stop my 18 yr old me :)Im nipping over to ebay right now i'm gunner get me some of them jewels haha ...I'm following from now on I want to see what else you get up to Lakota.THANK YOU ,THANK YOU
    ...........X Manda X..........

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  43. Brilliant...absolutely brilliant! Thanks for the walk down vampiric memory lane and all the eye candy photos :)

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  44. Hilarious!

    But one question - can I wear the jewelry in daylight?

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