Monday 14 March 2016

3.14 - American Pi Day

Boy1 informed me last week that today would be 'American Pi day', and please could we have one for dinner. Being less geekily minded than my eleven year old son, I had a moment of horror thinking that he was referring to the film that brought use the phrase "there was this one time, at band camp...", and he had to explain to me the significance of 3.14, or as we British would say, the 14th of March.*

They got 'Boxing Day Pie', which is basically all the Christmas left-overs** - turkey, pigs in blankets, chestnut stuffing, random bits of chorizo from the back of the fridge  etc - in a white sauce. This tested my newly vegetarian resolve, but I made do with a Higgidy Pies spinach, feta and pinenut. It was very nice with some mash and veggie gravy. This moral stance is hard though!


Send me your favourite veggie/vegan recipe links please - keep me on the straight and narrow.
Oh, and I've been forced into joining instagram - I'm @Lakotaloves27, so feel free to find me and stop me having to gaze in fascinated horror at nudie pictures of Kim Kardashian.

Lakota x

*When he starts asking for a steak dinner and if his girlfriend can stay over on 14th March, then I guess is the time to be seriously worried. (For those not in the know, today is also apparently 'Steak and BJ day', or Valentines for men - one month on. Unhappily for Mr FHCS of course, no meat crosses my lips these days...)

**I should point out this filling had been made and frozen, and hadn't been festering in the fridge since December.

Wednesday 2 March 2016

Oscars Frocks 2016 - Arachnophobia, Amputees and the Emperor's New Clothes

If you've been following this blog for a while you'll be aware that I am the living embodiment of style - somewhere between Kate Moss and Iris Apfel - and am therefore totally qualified to make judgements about other women's clothes. I read fashion blogs and magazines whilst eating quavers and wearing pyjama bottoms from BHS. When awards season rolls round I like nothing more than a good fashion police session on Facebook with my equally sarcastic chic enablers and I'm always looking for more squad members, so do let me know your thoughts.

Here is the very gorgeous Alicia Vikander, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Danish Girl, and according to several news outlets 'channelling' Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Presumably they're referring to the fact she has long brown hair and is wearing a yellow swooshy dress, not the fact that she is dating Michael Fassbender.

My first thought, aside from "bitch can act AND suits yellow, is there no justice?" was "where the hell is her other leg?'' I mean seriously, that's not photoshopped. Her right leg has disappeared. She's like the anti-Angelina. Possibly she really is the android she played in Ex-Machina and can remove body parts. As my friend Rachel remarked, anything to lose a few pounds for the cameras. Of course, putting aside the missing limb, another pressing problem is that the hem of her dress looks like my duvet cover when it comes out of the washing machine full of socks. But she has an oscar, she doesn't care.

The Leg of Doom™ 2012 Academy Awards

You know who else has an oscar? Brie Larson for Room. I absolutely love the colour of her gown and thought it looked amazing in motion.

That said, I wasn't keen on her school-girl hair (she and Alicia both look like they were expecting to do the Head Girl's talk to prospective parents at secondary school) and the sheer layer of fabric on the bodice makes me feel that an emergency trip to the optician is necessary. Last time my eyes felt this out of focus tequila was involved. 

Don't look at my chest or you'll go blind

Frida Pinto also went for blue at the Vanity Fair Oscars party. She is lovely, but the dress is less so. That evil looking belt buckle is just waiting to stab her in the abs when  she sits down. Her boyfriend is a hottie, although he seems to have left his slippers on with his tux.

Next we have Heidi Klum, who despite neither being an actor nor married to one, always gets to go to the Oscars. She is of course a very successful model, who wears weird clothes for her job and sees nothing wrong in a busman's holiday. I vaguely remember some TV programme where aspiring designers have to make an outfit out of tinfoil/100 copies of The Sun/remaindered Jedward CDs or similar, and this looks like they were given 30 yards of pale mauve tulle and one of those Chinese dressmakers that make 'designer ball gown' copies.

Left arm = Daenerys from Game of Thrones
Right arm = Margot from The Good Life

Lady Gaga has been toning down her look recently, and frankly I miss those innocent days where she'd rock up to an awards show wearing 6lbs of Serrano ham. Instead she decided to make two outfits out of ready to roll fondant icing left over from doing her Christmas cake. This one is a sort of trouser/dress combo with the worst elements of each - badly fitting round the boobs and creating camel toe. "When you're trying to keep a towel around you but need your hands. Clench the pelvic floor in as a last resort" said Lucy.

Admittedly it looked a lot better when she was standing differently but I don't get this fatwa against the bra that appears to be to be going on in Hollywood.

I guess at least she didn't wear a wedding dress and washing up gloves like she did last year.

Anyway, later on she put on a top and trousers combo that fitted far better (aside from the hem length for someone two feet taller) and accessorized with a tablecloth bustle which made her look strangely like a centaur. I just wish that if that was the look she was going for she'd gone all out, you know? The Gaga of old would have worn hoof shoes and a 3 foot unicorn horn headpiece and been all the better for it!

Born this...Neigh

And how about Emma Roberts? Floaty and sheer? Tick. Flattering cut and drape? Tick. Covered in freaking spiders?? Aargh! I saw this dress and as well as being immediately itchy I just thought of this video. If you look closely at her face it's clear she's actually frozen in terror and/or auditioning for a remake of Arachnophobia.

'Follow the spiders' said Hagrid

What does everyone make of this one worn by Liz Hernandez from Access Hollywood? [no, I don't know who she is either] I think she was right to not go Princessy with the hair and not to wear a necklace - although a stack of bangles on the other arm might have been nice - but she does look rather as though she's wearing a silhouette of Olive Oyl. Or possibly that she's been painted by Picasso.

A whole new meaning to 'side boob' 

We've had to suffer several years now of 'dresses' that are so sheer they're not actually there, presumably so celebs can show off the reults of their diet and exercise regimes and the prowess of their waxer. Why wait for a hacker to steal your nude photos when you can show the world what you look like naked by making a dress out of pantyhose and the odd sequin? (I'm looking at you Beyonce, Kim K and Rihanna, amongst others). Perhaps things weren't quite as nude as they have been, there was no actual nipple or butt cheek on display, but still plenty to make me wonder whether I maybe shouldn't have eaten 5 salted caramel Muller Rice already this week.  This year's Vanity Fair party gave us two ladies in sheer red - Gwen Stefani and Diane Kruger - plus the girl from that dreadful Blurred Lines video, Emily 'look at my tatas' Ratajowski.

Diane Kruger is generally known as a fashion risk taker. She is an ex-model and has the figure for this bordello lampshade lace and tassels affair. She looks like she's holding her breath and is going to do so all night though, which can't be comfortable, right?

Diane wished she'd said no to that kebab. In 1991

Gwen Stefani is another funky dresser and has relatively recently split with cheating husband Gavin Rossdale and started another high profile romance with Blake Shelton. Her dress gives me slight 'Ha! look what you're missing' vibes, but that's understandable. I like the flamey-leafy bottom of the dress (a bit more of this and a bit less leg would look better) but what's less forgivable is red mesh on the shoulders, which gives a 'two weeks in Benidorm with no suncream' look. Hannah and I decided that her dress was being censored by 'the red hand of modesty', which could become a feature in Heat magazine. Plus she's accessorised with a man who clearly thinks dressing up means putting on his best jeans. 

Girl on fire. Bloke nipping out to buy fags

Here's Emily Ratatatas. It's some feat of engineering keeping those Jessica Rabbit boobs up and in that 'dress'. [Does attaching a bit of sheer fabric to a bustier make it a dress? I guess so]

We all thought Olivia Munn looked gorgeous in orange and of course Cate Blanchett looks like a goddess always, although Sara was less taken with the 'pritt sticked bits' on her sea foam frock and I'm inclined to agree, although I think they work on the top half I wouldn't want them on my bum.

Looking over the photos I'm left wondering how any of them walk, as I can't see anyone's feet - or rather foot - aside from Alicia Vikander's and those dresses are super long. Anyway, I'm off to bed to order slacks from a Sunday supplement - tell me your hits and misses in the comments.

Lakota x

Edited to add this link suggested by Kezzie - a little girl who makes her own versions of the Oscar frocks out of paper. Very cute!

Friday 12 February 2016

The Magic and Madness of Ebay part 7 - Love, Love me...Don't

Aah, mes chéris, 'ow beautiful you look today, eet makes me wish to buy you all something special, per'haps from ze eBay, zat home of taste and style...


You may remember that back in the mists of time I did a Valentine's Day Special, where we discovered that wildly optimistic sellers were packaging up any old crap - literally, in the case of the anthropomorphic turd figurine - and hoping to sell it to panicked lovers merely by sticking the word 'Valentines' in their listing. There was the single crisp, with a supposedly heart shaped hole in it, the My Little Pony ready for the knacker's yard, the 'I love Grandma' ornament...aah, nostalgia.

Happily, nothing much has changed, although it's possible things may have got simultaneously kinkier and crappier. [This may or may not have to do with the publication of a book that rhymes with er, Nifty Blades of Hay since my last Valentine's post]. So let's kick off with a tribute to everyone's favourite multi-million selling creep with control issues* and his recent masterful domination of the Valentine's market - Christian Grey!

You've really got a taste for this, haven't you Miss Steele?

On the 'alarming dustcatcher' front this year,  may I present this "Brand new, no deffects [sic]" "noughty couple mini sculpture".  Ooh, a mini sculpture. That does sound classy. Definitely better than 'dodgy ornament'. It's almost as though it's art. And it is! Seller Leandro is a "self made artist", and if you ask him nicely he will "pack it sexy". As he says:

"Your partner doesn't want any more chocolate because the summer is on its way! and because he's got a ball gag stuffed in his mouth

Hand-made sculpture you can both laugh about, that can't be found nowhere else as I invented and created it myself. I guarantee it will make your day special. Wouldn't you like to get it?"

I would indeed, Leandro. I would indeed.

Is that supposed to be blood? Maybe a lighter touch with the old cat o' nine tails

And who wouldn't love to receive this Naughty Valentine's Day Gift set? Light that chupa chup scented candle and get down and dirty with lube and condoms someone's shoved in a gift bag. Maybe if you're lucky he'll buy you a bag of chips after.

Mmm, strawberry and cream chupa chups. The scent of school trips to France

Following the theme further, I found this "fantastic" mug. The seller enthuses that:

"it turns magical when has hot liquid in it to reveal the sexy, cute, romantic message of:
'You are my Mr Grey'"

Some people may find the eponymous Mr Grey sexy - I'll stick with Captain Poldark thank you -  but I dispute his ever being cute or romantic. I only read the first half of 50 Shades before giving up in disgust at all that 'inner goddess' nonsense, but I got the impression the closest you'd get to hot liquids would be him doing something unspeakable to you in a bath**, and he'd be more likely to make you his slave than make you a cuppa.

Speaking of slaves, Anastasia wannabes would no doubt be thrilled with this not at all tacky eye mask, just £3.99 and not only suitable as a Valentine's gift but for "all occasions''.

All occasions? ALL OCCASIONS?! What, like Mother's Day? Granny's 80th birthday? Your niece's Bat Mitzvah? 50 shades of oy vey. 

Of course, your Mr Grey should exude an air of potent sexuality at all times, so make sure that you pick him a suitable outfit for your evening in the red room of pain. An "Erotic Men Thong Underwear" in either Peacock, Elephant or Crane should suit.

Do hurry though, as 194 have sold already. I'll just let that figure perculate a minute and we can all use the brain bleach later.

Of course, if you're looking for something a little less 'made in Hong Kong' for your fella's dong, there's always the Mollie Makes approved "Crochet Chicken Willy Warmer", with its jaunty Peruvian folk-art style and rugged masculinity. Peckers everywhere approve.

Insert your own cock joke here


Date your Age, and your... Species?

It's a pretty poor state of affairs when the best I can say about a fictional love interest is 'well, he's better than Humbert Humbert', but it's true! I'll give you that Mr Grey - at least your girlfriend is legal.  Buying the Quick Curl Barbie Beauty Centre as a Valentine's gift suggests either that your beloved spends too much time watching YouTube hair styling videos...or is about 9.

And pet Valentines - that's a thing now? I don't know which meaning is worse for a listing that begins:

Fancy treating your pussy this Valentine's Day?

but it's bad enough having to find something for the Mr, without having to enter a romantic gift giving relationship with the only member of the household who can lick her own bum. Should you want a packet of dreamies and a wind-up mouse - or just some unique wedding favours - the Cat Valentines day Gift Set is for you. 

Of course, don't expect to get anything in return - unless you've got a dog. Usually content to prove their adoration by humping your leg or thrusting their nose into your crotch, besotted pooches can now show you some love in the time-honoured medium of fridge magnet poetry.

It's like we never lost Rossetti, isn't it?


Don't Date this Guy

Hmm, 5x I Love You Valentines Teddy joblot. It's sold, and just possible you might not be his one and only.

Seriously Bae, it's you alone


Actually Darling, what I'd like for Valentine's Day This Year is a Divorce

If you're presented with any of these, lets assume that love's young dream has soured somewhat. None of these are a good idea, but I promise they were all found with the search 'Valentines Gift'.

You're a porker, here's a broken cutlery 'diet kit'

Good things don't always come in small packages

A facial epilator only ever says - you've got a moustache
(this was one of ebay's own picks - sent in an email to me!)

And possibly my favourite, the epitome of the practical gift, the ever romantic -


Crafty Crap Adapted from the School Christmas Fair

On the PTA? Did you go to a Primary School Christmas fair in December? If you've had the pleasure, some of the following may look strangely familiar:

This 'Cupid Love Dust' contains "1 cup of kisses, 1cup of hugs, 2 cups of love, 1 medium bag of real red hearts..." and ooh, about 5p of Asda smart price porridge oats. Except the last time I saw it, it was being sold to children with the addition of some glitter and was marketed as 'Reindeer Food'. Possibly I should have included this in the 'Date your Species' section, as it looks more like a gift for Mr Ed.

'Romantic' oatmeal. I'm not dating anyone who thinks it would be a good idea to sprinkle me with uncooked porridge

Despite the supposed rarity of 'Cupid Poop' there seem to be a surprising number of listings, definitely adapted from the reindeer droppings idea earlier in the year. If you can't make this yourself then you deserve to be charged £1.99 for some mini marshmallows with an inexorable poem attached.

©John Donne

You can also buy a 'last rolo', wrapped in shiny foil, should your full frontal lobotomy / poor impulse control prevent you from: working out that you could buy at least 8 full packets instead / not eating them all in one go. Only £4.99! 

Mariah Carey was thrilled with her latest engagement ring 

I've saved the best til last though, and that's the 'Little Bag of Love for my Valentine: Valentines Keepsake'. These are truly special, and in no way put together from bits found at the bottom of your handbag/the random crap drawer in the kitchen.

Here's an example of a seller's blurb:

"An absolutely beautiful and thoughtful little gift which will put a smile on anyone's face.

The gift is a great way of showing someone how much you love and care for them, its intentions are to make someone happy, make them feel loved and feel very special this valentines day.

This unique gift has such a special meaning it will melt the recipient's heart."

Do you know what? It absolutely would - if my primary school aged sons had put it together for me. Then it would be adorable. But paying £3.99 for a random on the internet to send me two sweets, a single match, a lonely jigsaw piece, a paperclip and rubber, birthday cake candle and a sugar sachet swiped from the caff - yeah, not so much. 

Speaking of Boy1 and Boy2 - they thought this was hilarious, and swiftly helped me to come up with our own version. 


In case you're missing the deep romantic significance of these items, here's what we'd put on our 'glossy label'

Dressmaker's tape from a cracker.............because our love is beyond measure
Almond left over from Christmas.............because I'm nuts about you
Dried Chilli...............................................because you're hot stuff
One pence.................................................because I'm lucky to have you
Brick.........................................................because I'll never 'lego' of you
Mini wooden clothes peg..........................because I like hanging out with you
Paper heart.................................................because my heart belongs to you
Earl Grey....................................................because you're my cup of tea
Bay leaf......................................................because you're my 'bae'
Single square of toilet paper.......................because you're Charmin'!

Almost forgot the 'beautiful organza fabric gift bag'
If you'd like to buy it - Paypal me a fiver ;-)

Happy Valentines!

Lakota x

PS. Out-takes will be up on my Facebook page later.

*since that last sparkly one she based him on. Jeez. At least Edward just watched her sleep and didn't make her sign any contracts
**Put it this way, L7 did it first on The Word back in the 90s and it was gross then

Tuesday 2 February 2016

Welcome to the Jungle

The devil makes work for idle hands, apparently. So, y'know, cross stitch. Saving souls since the Middle Ages. There are a lot of cool designs out there via Subversive Cross Stitch and similar, but given the small people I live with, this kind of design is still out for a few years:

A great housewarming gift for childfree couples though, eh?

My version is a cross-stitched QR code - those unique 'fingerprint' designs that marketing departments stick on posters etc in the vain hope that consumers will zap them with a smartphone app and 'engage with further content' from the brand. Anyway, you can make your own for free using a QR code generator, and link it to whatever URL you fancy. If you print the resulting code out on A4 paper and draw a grid over the top, you have an automatic cross stitch pattern. 

I picked the YouTube link to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns n' Roses. 
Not very complicated really, but essential to keep count properly, as any mistake means it won't work and it will be a right arse to work out where you went wrong! 

Being very childishly pleased with myself when it worked, I went on to make one for the kitchen which takes you to this classic line from Withnail and I

It's by the wine rack of course.

Lakota x