I don't know about you, but I'm knackered. It's half term, and the kids need entertaining. We threw a Halloween party for them yesterday, we've got house sale stuff to sort out, and I keep seeing reminders of exactly how many shopping days there are until Christmas. My husband - tired of going out to work every morning before it's properly light and coming back at dusk - has often opined that he could do with a stunt double, and I think he could be on to something.
Imagine the advantages! We've all read the tabloid stories about the guy who sat his twin's driving test for him - but that seems a weeny bit unimaginative. The only thing I have in common with an athlete is a pasta-heavy diet, but I'd love photos of myself completing the London Marathon. Or an Olympic medal - how cool would that be? A duplicate whom I could command to do those daily laps of the park would be great. And if she could be made to endure the annual horror of 'buying a swimsuit from the high street', so much the better. What would your doppelgänger do for you?
Bitch - you stay out there til those windows SPARKLE!
Sadly, even if one has an identical sibling, I'm reliably informed that there's no guarantee they'll be willing to work at your job as well as their own, and most draw the line at scrubbing your oven whilst you luxuriate in the bath. If only there was some way to make another version of yourself - without the associated stretch marks, back-chat and sleeplessness I've suffered using the regular method. [Also, my mini-mes have come out with a penis apiece, surely some mistake?].
But clearly only a
storybook genie could possibly have the power to create a true
clone. And who has the time these days to travel to deepest Persia, searching for an antediluvian enchanted lamp? Ok, so you probably know by now where this is leading, but wouldn't it be amazing to be able to harvest the awesome power of a genuine Genie? Oh Ebay, how could I have thought I'd ever exhausted your supply of slightly unhinged sellers? As they redouble their efforts for Halloween, it must surely be time for The Magic and Madness of Ebay part 4
I'd tried the usual suspects - but Black Forest Magick and A New Golden Dawn could only offer enchantments done by the usual witches and wizards of ancient lineage, taught by a powerful ancestor...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yawn. Been there, done that. Then I found seemingly innocuous seller Coffee596. Oh, hang on, there's an 'about me'. She's actually Jessica Black, and - what a surprise - her Grandmother taught her the ancient art of magic when she was a little girl.
Aladdin was thrilled with his Ebay purchase
BUT - she does have a genie! Hardly anyone has a genie these days. [Well, aside from all the sellers offering the djinn spirit equivalent of the vampire jewellery
.] And look - she's offering a rare 'Have and Control your own Clone'
spell! How fortuitous. And how lucky that I found the listing just before it ended. Despite having sold 96 of it already, and the fact that it's automatically relisted, the spell "will not be offered on Ebay again".
She also has 'a strong following of wealthy and famous clients'
, who I'm guessing include Louis Walsh. [Worry not Westlife fans, for as they replaced Boyzone, so shall another identikit band of featureless crooners arrive to take their places on the stools of mediocrity.]
It always seemed to be Kian's turn to get the coffee...
Anyway, for the minuscule price of £3.73 - or half a Cher Lloyd CD - our possibly blue pal will be able to deliver you 'an exact clone of yourself'.
"You could have the clone go into work for you, while you relax on the beach. The clone is your complete puppet. It will obey your every command. It has every skill and ability that you have. Be in two places at once. You could use this amazing clone to complete unpleasant tasks, get more done, get two jobs at once, or even find more lovers..."
At last an explanation for the ubiquitous Katie Price, and her 'alter-ego' Jordan. She must be another of these celebrity clients. That's how she's able to appear in every magazine simultaneously, whilst juggling her roster of d-list boyfriends. But I know what you're thinking. We don't all have deals with Sky Living or ITV2 - how am I going to manage with another mouth to feed?
"This clone does not need to be fed or maintained. And it will be completely loyal to only you"
Phew. So no undignified grappling with yourself for the last jaffa cake. But doesn't need to be 'maintained'? I'm not sure I'm fully clear on the specifics of that. Better send an email, just to be on the safe side:
I was just wondering whether the clone needs shelter in the same way as us? It's great that it doesn't need to be fed, but we don't have a spare room. Will it be happy living in the garage - at least to start off with? Once I can work two jobs we should be able to move to a bigger house though.
I've no idea why she hasn't replied. I do hope my reputation has not preceded me. But hey - I'm sure we can work all this out once my clone has
been delivered manifested itself. And I guess it can't be that much of a problem, as - "You can have as many clones as you like!" It'll be like the paranormal Downton Abbey. Daisy, that lamp isn't going to polish itself!
Yes, they're all me!
Mind you, much as I fancy having a clone, I don't know if I'd say it was my dearest wish. What about my pre-baby boobs? And like, world peace and stuff? Maybe if I got three wishes, the army of clones could just be one of them. Ha! I've outsmarted you, Genie! Let's see, shall we:
"Original 3 wishes from a 1000 year old genie! Attract that sexy fun person for a lasting relationship...attract the wealth that you need in these hard times...these wishes can be customized uniquely for you and your situation. They can be used to help you knock down any obstacles in your life"
Claire's dearest wish was to date Thing from the Addams Family...
Sounds amazing doesn't it? If only the ancient Djinn could help people see the truth revealed in the sales pitch:
"Don't pay for the other knock offs with minimal results"
No indeed - pay for this knock off with minimal results!
To paraphrase the old idiom - if wishes were lipsticks, we'd all be Kate Moss.