Catherine Zeta Jones, another baby, Disney jewellery and other shit I don't want for Mothers' Day

Hey. It's Mothering Sunday here in the UK. I wrote this yesterday, cos right now I'm probably busy drinking a cup of coffee in bed and admiring my cards - no doubt glitter, pritt-stick and felt-tip heavy. There might even be some over-buttered toast and a macaroni necklace. It will be lovely.

I'm pretty certain there will be none of the items I mentioned in the post title. But I do feel I have to share this website, just in case you don't like your mother/MIL. And forewarned is forearmed. It may be an idea to set parental controls on the computer now - I know my mum was happier the year I bought her a Fry's Turkish Delight with my pocket money than the time I purchased a hideous mock ivory figurine of a cartoon housewife clutching a trophy, engraved with the legend 'World's Greatest Mum'. [It was the 80s, I bought it from the corner shop. Possibly only beaten by the occasion I bought my dad a 'Male Chauvinist' pig shaped soap for Fathers' Day. I didn't know what it meant, it just occupied a vague 'male' space in my mind, along with things like cricket boxes and that weird springy chest expander thing that he kept at the back of the wardrobe.] One day your children will have spending power and the internet.

Anyway, if like me you take perverse pleasure in reading those adverts at the back of Sunday supplement magazines - send no money now, simply enjoy displaying this limited edition Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge plate, with regal gold accents - then you should be in your element when browsing The Bradford Exchange. "Forty years of innovation, artistry and design" - plus they've kindly added a 'Mothers' Day Gifts' section to their site, so it's all there for me in three convenient pages.

'FLOWER OF WALES' PATRIOTIC LADY FIGURINE

Apparently the 'flower of Wales' is Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as Eliza Doolittle, lovingly cast in 'artist's resin'. Personally my choice would be Ruth Jones dressed as Rizzo from Grease - that really would be "a marvellous display from any angle!", but until a designer of granny-beloved knick-nacks shares my vision, then I'll have to settle for CZJ.  After all, "it goes without saying that you are deeply proud of your heritage! Now you can honour your great country and commemorate its courage, beauty, proud identity and history with an exceptional first-of-a-kind treasure".

Oddly enough, they seem to have used CZJ as their model for the English Rose, Wild Irish Rose, and Flower of Scotland figurines too, but only the Welsh version is deemed a suitable Mothers Day gift. I'm off to stick a daffodil in my hair.

'MOTHER'S WISHES OF LOVE' PERSONALISED MUSIC BOX

It has swarovski crystals and faux jewels! It plays the 'heartfelt melody' of 'You are the Wind Beaneath my Wings'! It can be expertly personalised with the names of up to six loved ones! It looks like a funeral urn!

It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. Just in case you were worried that someone might ask you to prove that it really is a hideous music box? 

ULTIMATE DISNEY CLASSIC CHARM BRACELET

I would love this from one of my boys, and wear it proudly. If they'd won it for me on the pier at Brighton. If on the other hand they'd paid five instalments of £29.99 for this 'charming masterpiece' with 'lavish 24 carat gold plating', I'd think I'd failed in my duty as a mother. [£149.99. Are they serious?!]

OUR FAMILY IS A CIRCLE OF LOVE - PERSONALISED BIRTHSTONE RING

Ok, so this kind of overly sentimental design isn't to my taste. I appreciate others might like the idea though. And what mum doesn't think of her children as precious gems? Oh, except the 'free personalised birthstones' are all cubic zirconia and it still costs a hundred quid!

I'm not sure The Bradford Exchange has an exact grasp of what Mothers' Day actually entails. Why would you give your mother a bracelet engraved with 'Always my daughter, now too my friend'? Or a 'My Daughter, I love you' music box? Still, either of these would be preferable to ANOTHER BLOODY BABY. Are they insane? If you are a mother, you've had/are having these precious moments. With an actual real child. That one that destroyed your peace of mind/ability to wear crop tops forever.

OLIVIA'S GENTLE TOUCH BABY DOLL

"Few memories are as precious as the first time your baby responds to you by wrapping her tiny hand around your finger. Now this lifelike baby doll allows you to recapture this tender moment whenever you wish!"

£149.99 and they can't even throw in the two AA batteries required? Mind you, if I'd had the choice I'd probably have utilised an off-switch on my boys more than once...

I hope you all have a lovely day, whether or not you can be with your own mum. I'll leave you with my favourite royal items from The Bradford Exchange - who among us can forget the glorious day that Christine Bleakley wed Christopher Walken?

Christine Bleakley. On stilts.

£29.99

Christopher Walken, Prince of the Realm

£149.99

But be quick, there's just 95 casting days for the bride figurine - and the factory only churns out 10,000 a day!

Lakota x

New Year's Resolutions of the Stars - 2013

Hey hey -  have you decided that this is the year you finally become thinner/ fitter/ nicer/ richer? You're not alone, as the resolutions of today's celebs reveal.


Emeli Sandé 

Wow, 2013. I think this is the year I really need to get myself and my music out there. I mean OK, there was the Olympics Opening Ceremony, the Olympics closing ceremony, the X Factor finals show, the BBC Sports Personality of the Year programme, the MOBOS, The Brit Awards, three number one UK singles and topping the UK album chart, but I'm worried. There may still be some members of a remote hill tribe in Borneo who have never heard me over-emote whilst playing a piano. Well no more! I refuse to hide my light under a bushel any longer!

Kim n' Kanye

Kim: This year is going to be so special. We are so blessed. I'm already planning how we're going to spend that little bundle of joy that's coming our way. Of course, there's going to be some sleepless nights, but ten million dollars in deals is going to take a lot of count... [Kanye: Whoop! Make some noise for my babymama!] Kim: Thanks honey. Anyway, as I was saying, there will be challenges ahead, but it's nothing we can't monetise together. From famous bum to famous bump, right? It'll...[Kanye: I'mma let you finish, but this is going to be the best baby of all time!] Kim: Sure, sweetie. I'm thinking 'Kash' for a boy and  'Kristal' for a girl. Or maybe 'Kubic-Zirconia', that's pret...[Kanye: Get down girl, go head get down!] Kim: Sheesh...

Taylor Swift

I've learned a lot of life lessons in the last year. Relationships take work. There's a lot of guys out there and it's going to take time to date them all. That's OK though, as I have a 47 album deal and need new material. Harry Styles will do for January - it's only a matter of time before we implode in a mess of song lyrics and Twitter hashtags - but he's an amateur when it comes to creepy mind games and controlling relationships. And I don't really like being the older woman. It's icky.  If only there was a famous guy out there with a penchant for robotic looking strawberry blondes who are a lot younger than him. And who liked making really public and cringe-making declarations of love. Perhaps on Oprah. That'd be perfect...

Tom Cruise

How you doin'?

Ryan Gosling

Hey Girl. You can achieve your dreams this year. I believe in you. Just like the studios believe in me. I grew up with prejudice, but I've proved there are roles out there for a man whose heritage includes cocker spaniel. Oh, and I'm going to learn fair isle knitting this year too.

K-Middy

1. Keep up good works.

2. Pick name for heir to throne - it's between George and Pharrell at the moment.

3. Buy bra. Wear bra at all times.

4. Look into rules on treason - is beheading still allowed?

Newly wed Hugh Heffner (86)

My resolution? To have sex every day until I die!

Newly wed Crystal Heffner (26)

I have the same resolution as my honey-pie. Sex everyday until he dies!

Happy New Year!

Lakota x

Last year's Resolutions post here. Do you have any? Do share.

Ta-dah! Tuesday - In which I discover my destiny...

Hello...is it me you're looking for?  Following on from last week's brief addiction to YouTube, here's another way to waste your life 5 minutes if you're bored. Finding out which celebrity you look like! Remember how horrified you were that time a drunk old man in Wetherspoons told you that you look just like a character from Coronation Street? The one with a face like a slapped arse and 20 years on you? Or the momentary thrill when your ex-boyfriend told you looked a bit like Mylene Klass? If it was dark and she'd put on 3 stone?  Well, why not relive those moments with me and upload your photo to this utterly useless website I found recently?

Here it is - the Celebrity Look Alike Generator - or as I prefer to call it, the 'Which balding old man do you least resemble? Generator'. Choose your latest least hideous photograph - aka Facebook profile pic - and let the magical face recognition gremlins do their work. Want to see?

Wow. I can't believe no-one ever mentioned how much I look like Michael Bloomberg, 70 year old mayor of New York City. Or star of Jaws, and rakish moustache wearer Richard Dreyfuss. I had no idea who the last dude was, but apparently Joseph Biden was the 47th Vice-President of the United States. Sorry Joe. And he's 70 as well. I mean, seriously?? No Richard Gere? No George Clooney? Sheesh, if I MUST be a silver fox I'd even take Philip Schofield over this lot. Ok, I did get Melanie Griffith as well, but I'm not considering that as much improvement.

Maybe it's a recent phenomenon? Perhaps turning 36 has turned me from a fresh faced nubile young thing into celebrity Grandpa. I'll try a photo from a few years ago:

FFS! Now I'm bald as well! 

Ok, Richard Dreyfuss again. But in a very slightly different pose. That means I must look like him. [Note to self: buy Veet.] The only woman in the world who looks like Bruce Willis is his daughter Rumer, so we can assume that's a glitch in the matrix. But Rudolph Giuliani? As well as Michael Bloomberg? Well, spank my ass and call me mayor! It must be my DESTINY. I'm headed out for my first trip to the Big Apple next June - I'm guessing they're going to vote me right in. 

*******

I fared a little bit better on Face Double, as at least I wasn't told I was a man. I was however matched with either black or Latina celebs, which is not a problem aside from the fact that my skin tone, hair and eyes all scream 'pasty white English girl'. I can see that with our round hamster cheeks stunning beauty we might have something in common, but otherwise I can't say anyone is ever likely to get me and Gabrielle Union confused. [What do you mean 'Who's Gabrielle Union?'. She was in Bring it On as head cheerleader of the Clovers. Like, duh.]

I can't say I'd be at all upset to be mistaken for America Ferrera either. That's assuming they were thinking of her as she actually looks in real life, and not this version:

Yeah, I'm not publishing the pictures of me with a fringe, just in case. 

It's me...Ugly Betty!

*******

Basically, I think I have an old-school look. Celebs of today just don't gel with my style. I'm crap at hair much beyond a ponytail, so I'm not a blogger you'll see rocking pincurls or a beehive. Thank goodness for Yearbook Yourself. Check yourself out as you would have been from the 1950s to 2000.

1952

1958

1992

What a timeless beauty, huh?

Lakota x

PS. I appear to have killed my laptop. I've been keeping up with everyone on my phone, and this post was done on the aged computer, but sorry for the lack of comments. I believe I've mentioned electrical appliances' short lives around me before - this is why I rarely hoover.

PPS. Oh, and link up anyway. I will read, honest! And tell me who you look like - I insist.

Something for the Weekend - how YouTube took over my life

My husband is away again. He's in India for a fortnight. This basically means I revert to my baseline state of being, which is that of a 14 year old, only without the One Direction obsession and sucked in cheeks Facebook profile pic. The children still get to fed and taken to school, but there's a lot more eye-rolling and big sighs about how unfair it is. Then I come home, refuse to make my bed and watch urban street-dance movies until it's time to pick them up again.*

Anyway, when I get tired of perving over Channing Tatum - kidding! like that would ever happen - I turn to the natural refuge of the terminally bored, YouTube. Aah, YouTube - where all those racist Yahoo News commenters start out. Home of the cute cat, impossibly beautiful Filipina makeup vlogger, and stupid people attempting to eat cinnamon from a spoon. [look up 'cinnamon challenge'.]

So, here's the videos which have made me snort diet coke out my nose the most over the last couple of days. Some are new finds, some are old favourites.

YETI - I can't describe how genius I think this is. But then I have a childish sense of humour. Someone has lip-read Coldplay's 'In my Place' and come up with completely new lyrics which fit the movement of Chris Martin's mouth. Then recorded the song. And it's the best work Coldplay have never done.

"I called but you ran to the forest..."

HALLOWEEN LIGHTSHOW - GANGNAM STYLE - Has Psy's catchy like herpes Korea pop outstayed its welcome yet? Hell no. Not when you can have your whole house singing along. OK, so I would hate to live opposite someone like this -  our neighbour's security light alone makes me twitchy - but I can appreciate it from a distance of  approximately 3000 miles and my laptop.

CAT VS PRINTER - THE TRANSLATION - Old, but so good. And sweary. Sorry kids.

Give me links. I have nine more days til he gets home. And have a great weekend.

Lakota x


*Please don't call social services.

It's a Retro Cook Off - Cod in Custard Sauce!

How fab an idea for an online party is this? Kylie of Lucy Violet Vintage and Donna from Hung up on Retro had the inspired idea to host a link up where all the participants agreed to make something, erm, different from one of their retro cookbooks, or from vintage recipe inspiration online. How could I refuse to take part? If you pop over to their blogs you'll discover such tempting delights as 'Salmon party salad' and 'Black Magic Chocolate cake made with condensed tomato soup' (I kid you not). I didn't quite get organised enough to cook an entire three courses, but as it's half term - the time the kids are allowed Nutella on toast or cocoa-pops for breakfast - I decided a new breakfast treat would be perfect. But what to cook? 

Let's see, breakfasts...Aah yes, PERFECT

'The Complete Hostess' is a book I found for 20p at a car boot sale earlier in the year, and it's filled with 'Menus, Table Etiquette, Party Hints and Recipes'. 

Nell writes with such authority - "The charm of a well-set table can do much to overcome the early morning grumps of some people" - that I knew she'd have a great suggestion or two up her sleeve to 'vary the breakfast menu'.  What could be more delicious than 'cod in custard sauce'?

Mmm, cod SMOTHERED in custard

Not being a massive fan of custard I just make it as and when it's demanded from an aged tub of Birds yellow powder, which went out of date sometime after the war. Therefore I've never made 'proper' custard with egg yolks, and was a little alarmed to note Nell's breezy assumption that one would already know how to do it. Still, by the time I'd drunk a little medicinal gin and tonic and smoked a pack and half of cigarettes - so good for the figure! - I was ready to give it my best shot.

"It is wise to provide an ash-tray either on the table or at some convenient place, as nothing is so unpleasant as ash in the tea or coffee cups and saucers"

Nell Heaton

Anyway, I merrily flaked my cold boiled cod - 50s housewife Lakota has no concern for the depletion of the oceans - and whisked away frantically with my hot milk and egg yolks. I'm sure Nell wouldn't have dropped her nutmeg in the custard while she was grating it, but I imagine that just infused it with extra flavour.

 Mmm, let's see how that custard turned out shall we? Only slightly curdled! Come along children! Spit spot!

Come back Birds, all is forgiven. I'm not sure that the violent yellow colour of powdered custard would have been much less appealing than the anemic looking sauce with speckles which I created - perhaps using that lurid dyed yellow haddock would give it a bit more colour. Or maybe it doesn't matter as I should be using "a gay spotted or checked cloth in my breakfast nook".

I bribed the smallest boy with the promise of something from his trick or treat stash, but typically Boy1 didn't need much persuasion. Do you remember Joey in Friends when Rachel accidentally made a trifle using beef sauteed with peas and onions along with jam and lady-finger biscuits?  That's my eldest. "Fish? Good. Custard? GOOOOD". I thought even he would be defeated on seeing his initial expression:

But his 'I'll eat anything' genes won out in the end!

Good job Mum!

Of course I wasn't so evil as to make the boys try something I wasn't willing to eat myself:

Here goes...

Gosh, I'll never eat Kelloggs again!

Who's up for breakfast at my place tomorrow? Anyone? 

Lakota x

Have a great weekend and don't forget to check out everyone else's creations!

Kylie's blog

Donna's blog

Something for the Weekend - Hmm, you look familiar...

Halloween. I think we can all agree that the Americans do it better than us. It's kind of cute when the neighbours' 4 year old comes round as a mini skeleton and lisps 'trick or treat' at you at 5pm. It's less fun when you're attempting to watch Eastenders and have opened the door to the 14th hulking teen in a Scream mask menacing you for fun size Cadburys. You could go to a party, but options are limited - what will it be this year - slutty witch, slutty vampire or slutty cat? [The same low-cut flammable polyester bustier can be pressed into service for all three]. Our pals across the pond meanwhile are rocking 'Octomom', 'dismembered torso in a suitcase', and erm, 'ball pool'.

Pete Burns wasn't sure his job as Angelina's nanny was working out

Jeez, why's it always the ketchup that leaks?

It never pays to rummage much below the top layer. There'll be an apple core and a dirty nappy in there somewhere. Mark my words.

But who is Halloween really all about? Have we forgotten the true meaning of Samhain? Without the sterling efforts of our feline friends it's highly possible that many women burned as witches might have lived full boring lives as local herbalists. Imagine how dull things might have been without the caprice of our canine companions leading early villagers to believe in the presence of demons. It's only right that we repay them for these services, don't you think? And what better way than allowing them their own little slice of Halloween magic? See how happy they look:

Avada Kedavra. 

Seriously motherfucker. We are THROUGH

Ginger and Tiddles had been listening to backwards records again.

You know things are bad when a beagle's eyes seem to be saying 'Please, take me back to the research lab. I miss the toasted taste of Lucky Strike'.

Go Team

Sweet Lolita kitteh says kawaii. Whatever.

I'm confused Mommy. Who's Cerberus? 

Try this again and you lose a finger.

If you've always wished for a different, more exotic pet - Halloween is the perfect time to put your wishes into action. No need to trawl Craigs list or purchase an unreliable transformation spell from eBay - simply strap on the prosthetic bunny ears and away you go:

Imma get Jurassic on yo' ass

Hey, weren't you in Willow?

Just kill me. 

Skunk dog thinks you stink

What's up dawg?

Spiderpug. Combining cute and horrific since 1998

Mutant spider dog would probably be enough to keep me off your lawn, but if you're really anti trick or treaters you could bring out the big guns:

I know, I know, it's wrong to paint pets or give them extra limbs. But occasionally an outfit is so perfect we should just chuck animal rights out of the window entirely. If I were in charge of such matters this guy would be forced to dress as Winnie the Pooh every day, and I usually HATE the Disney version:

You're with me on this, right?

Peta are just going to have to find a new spokesperson, cos it's going to take a hero to stop this kind of exploitation:

Happy Halloween!

Lakota x

Hi new followers! I'm guessing you came for the swap or the Nails inc giveaway. I can't blame you. If you stick around you might enjoy the rest. I mostly like second hand shizzle and poking fun at things I find on the internet. eBay sellers don't like me very much and if you pin something ridiculous to Pinterest I will say so. I once wanted to marry Tom Cruise, but I'm over that now. Oh, and it's my birthday today.