The Magic and Madness of Ebay, Part 4 - Djinn and Tonic

I don't know about you, but I'm knackered. It's half term, and the kids need entertaining. We threw a Halloween party for them yesterday, we've got house sale stuff to sort out, and I keep seeing reminders of exactly how many shopping days there are until Christmas. My husband - tired of going out to work every morning before it's properly light and coming back at dusk - has often opined that he could do with a stunt double, and I think he could be on to something.

Imagine the advantages! We've all read the tabloid stories about the guy who sat his twin's driving test for him - but that seems a weeny bit unimaginative. The only thing I have in common with an athlete is a pasta-heavy diet, but I'd love photos of myself completing the London Marathon. Or an Olympic medal - how cool would that be? A duplicate whom I could command to do those daily laps of the park would be great. And if she could be made to endure the annual horror of 'buying a swimsuit from the high street', so much the better. What would your doppelgänger do for you?

Bitch - you stay out there til those windows SPARKLE!

Sadly, even if one has an identical sibling, I'm reliably informed that there's no guarantee they'll be willing to work at your job as well as their own, and most draw the line at scrubbing your oven whilst you luxuriate in the bath. If only there was some way to make another version of yourself - without the associated stretch marks, back-chat and sleeplessness I've suffered using the regular method. [Also, my mini-mes have come out with a penis apiece, surely some mistake?].

But clearly only a unethical geneticist  storybook genie could possibly have the power to create a true clone.  And who has the time these days to travel to deepest Persia, searching for an antediluvian enchanted lamp? Ok, so you probably know by now where this is leading, but wouldn't it be amazing to be able to harvest the awesome power of a genuine Genie? Oh Ebay, how could I have thought I'd ever exhausted your supply of  slightly unhinged sellers? As they redouble their efforts for Halloween, it must surely be time for The Magic and Madness of Ebay part 4.

*******

I'd tried the usual suspects - but Black Forest Magick and A New Golden Dawn could only offer enchantments done by the usual witches and wizards of ancient lineage, taught by a powerful ancestor...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yawn. Been there, done that. Then I found seemingly innocuous seller Coffee596. Oh, hang on, there's an 'about me'. She's actually Jessica Black, and - what a surprise - her Grandmother taught her the ancient art of magic when she was a little girl. 

Aladdin was thrilled with his Ebay purchase

BUT - she does have a genie! Hardly anyone has a genie these days. [Well, aside from all the sellers offering the djinn spirit equivalent of the vampire jewellery.] And look - she's offering a rare 'Have and Control your own Clone' spell! How fortuitous. And how lucky that I found the listing just before it ended. Despite having sold 96 of it already, and the fact that it's automatically relisted, the spell "will not be offered on Ebay again". She also has 'a strong following of wealthy and famous clients', who I'm guessing include Louis Walsh. [Worry not Westlife fans, for as they replaced Boyzone, so shall another identikit band of featureless crooners arrive to take their places on the stools of mediocrity.]

It always seemed to be Kian's turn to get the coffee...

Anyway, for the minuscule price of £3.73 - or half a Cher Lloyd CD - our possibly blue pal will be able to deliver you 'an exact clone of yourself'.

"You could have the clone go into work for you, while you relax on the beach. The clone is your complete puppet. It will obey your every command. It has every skill and ability that you have. Be in two places at once. You could use this amazing clone to complete unpleasant tasks, get more done, get two jobs at once, or even find more lovers..."

At last an explanation for the ubiquitous Katie Price, and her 'alter-ego' Jordan. She must be another of these celebrity clients. That's how she's able to appear in every magazine simultaneously, whilst juggling her roster of d-list boyfriends. But I know what you're thinking. We don't all have deals with Sky Living or ITV2 - how am I going to manage with another mouth to feed? 

"This clone does not need to be fed or maintained. And it will be completely loyal to only you"

Phew. So no undignified grappling with yourself for the last jaffa cake.  But doesn't need to be 'maintained'? I'm not sure I'm fully clear on the specifics of that. Better send an email, just to be on the safe side:

Dear Jessica,

I was just wondering whether the clone needs shelter in the same way as us? It's great that it doesn't need to be fed, but we don't have a spare room. Will it be happy living in the garage - at least to start off with? Once I can work two jobs we should be able to move to a bigger house though. 

Best wishes

Lakota 

I've no idea why she hasn't replied. I do hope my reputation has not preceded me. But hey - I'm sure we can work all this out once my clone has been delivered  manifested itself. And I guess it can't be that much of a problem, as - "You can have as many clones as you like!" It'll be like the paranormal Downton Abbey. Daisy, that lamp isn't going to polish itself!

Yes, they're all me!

Mind you, much as I fancy having a clone, I don't know if I'd say it was my dearest wish. What about my pre-baby boobs? And like, world peace and stuff? Maybe if I got three wishes, the army of clones could just be one of them. Ha! I've outsmarted you, Genie! Let's see, shall we: 

"Original 3 wishes from a 1000 year old genie! Attract that sexy fun person for a lasting relationship...attract the wealth that you need in these hard times...these wishes can be customized uniquely for you and your situation. They can be used to help you knock down any obstacles in your life"

Claire's dearest wish was to date Thing from the Addams Family...

Sounds amazing doesn't it? If only the ancient Djinn could help people see the truth revealed in the sales pitch:

"Don't pay for the other knock offs with minimal results" 

No indeed - pay for this knock off with minimal results!

To paraphrase the old idiom - if wishes were lipsticks, we'd all be Kate Moss.

Lakota x

Love Never Dies...The Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 3

Men eh? They don't understand the appeal of vintage C&A, they mutter darkly about your boot-sale bargains, they fill the shed with 'useful wood' but still haven't got around to putting up those shelves.  And that's the good ones. My husband hasn't even noticed the change to my voodoo hoodoo enhanced booty. 

But thanks to Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books a whole generation of teenage girls is newly convinced their Prince will come complete with fangs, and who am I to argue? Ok, so it is kind of creepy to have a boyfriend who'll sneak into your room and watch you while you sleep, but on the plus side Edward will never leave the loo seat up. [His kind of vampire never needs to tinkle. Just sparkle and twinkle]. Mortal boys can't begin to compare.  

Cullen in the name of... 

Gosh, Edward's neat. And those cute Salvatore brothers too - from The Vampire Diaries. If only there was a way to have your own vampire boyfriend. Like those Spirit Dolls I found, but maybe the vessel could be a really cool piece of jewellery, so I could keep him close to me always. What's that? There are sellers on Ebay who can conjure me up my very own vampire spirit and trap it in some kind of tacky heart related geegaw? I'm in! Welcome to the Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 3! 

Yup, you heard correctly, despite general vampire lore declaring that vampires are soulless entities in the first place, apparently there are loads of them who have passed over onto the spiritual plane, and are just itching to be hooked up with lonely singletons who've read Breaking Dawn one too many times. It's kind of like Match.com for the undead, without the tedious dating bit. 

Nosferatu:  age 988

Likes: Nightlife, heritage buildings, snow-boarding

WLTM: open-minded jewellery loving lady

Master Andreas of Black Forest Gateau Magick on Ebay seems to know all about it:

"Very often a Vampire will choose the one they wish to be with, whether because of a past life association, or because a pre-destined need. .. The energy of the Vampire can transcend the barrier of your computer screen, reaching out to call their desired Chosen ONE!

LISTEN!!!"

Yes! I mean that's what so great about Edward and Bella, right? Their union is eternal, it's meant to be (once Bella's made up her mind about the whole Jacob issue). Master Andreas claims that one buyer's union with her spirit vampire love was so intense she was left 'weeping tears of pure joy at the intensity and bliss of the moment' . They became 'one heart and one breath - an orgasm of the soul'. 

Who knew Freedom at Topshop could offer so much?

Instructions vary depending on which seller you use, but I was quite taken by this guidance on how to bond with your new love. They suggest that you carry the vessel 24/7 for a minimum of 30 days. "However removing the vessel to bathe, shower, swim or exercise is fine." Have you got everything from your locker? Swimsuit, goggles, towel, Vampire spirit vessel...?

**********

Obviously being a mature and sensible mother of two I don't spend a whole lot of time lusting after celibate 17 year olds with boundary issues *crosses fingers behind back, and ACTUALLY he was born in 1901* , but that's not to say this lady doesn't like a vamp. I grew up with them. Well, not literally, although I would totally have joined the motorcycle gang in The Lost Boys. [Before there was drippy Bella, there was hippy Star. Admit it, those of you my kind of age all lusted after Jamie Gertz's peasant skirts and scarves combo]. And who could forget Buffy, who wasn't especially good at actually ridding the world of vampires - at least not the ones she fancied. 

Quick, we've only got 24hrs to make everyone in Santa Carla a vampire

Buffy and her boys

But ladies, I have grown up, and put away childish things. Obviously I'm not going to be taken in by necklaces which offer a vampire soul-mate. I mean really, orgasm of the soul? Do these people think I'm an idiot? Clearly I'm more interested in the regular kind. I've seen Sookie in True Blood and I want some of what she's having!

Sookeh!

Screw the soulmate, bring on the orgasms! 

Luckily, a quick search reveals that many vampire spirits are indeed of the erotic variety, and sellers go so far as to suggest that in addition to such side-effects as 'increased libido, increased sexual stamina, multiple orgasms, more attention from others, increased vitality and health...' there may also be 'sexual visitations from the vampire'! Holy moly. This gets better and better. I'd quite like to see some testimonials from happy customers first though, wouldn't you? Look away now if poor spelling and grammar offend you. Oh, and arrant nonsense.

"A**** is so wonderful! I'm in heaven! LOL! He is just so sexy! Remember how I wrote you about him waking me up with kisses? Well it just got better! I'm so happy! I'm thinking of bringing another Vamp into our little family. Kind of a Menage a tois! LOL! Do think that would be okey?"

" I was just drifting off to sleep and it felt like someone sat on the bed. At first I was like WTF? It was kinda creepy. then I felt this warm feeling. It started down there-you know lol then it was like B***** was talking to me. I swear I was awake! I heard him and felt his hands touching me. It was blowing my mind! Then it was like well pretty special if you know what I mean lol. Hope this does'nt make me a pervert lol. I'll write you later with more details. lol."

[I love the way they've blanked out the vamps' names, you know, for their privacy. And pervert? Course not. Lol]

"I wanted to tell you that you vampires are grate. I got som from other places but can no see or feel them at all. I feel both mine all the time. I am working on being more psycic like you said with the meditation. It works cause I can hear my luvs talking to me now."

[Personally I'd be working on being more sane with medication, but that's just me]

**********

And apparently I shouldn't worry about the fact that I'm already, you know, married. That's ok. In fact our old friends at A New Golden Dawn assure me that:

"If you are in a relationship or married, there is No need to feel guilty about your pleasures! You are not 'cheating' on your Human partner! Think of this Vampire Companion as a 'Marital Aide'. He will re-energize your libido and breath new life into a relationship grown tired. You might even consider getting your human male partner a female Erotic Vampire Spirit!"

Well that's the ethical considerations and Christmas sorted. But I know the kind of guy I want. You saw him a  bit further up the page. Not Alexander Skarsgard - he just plays him in True Blood. My current fictional man crush is Eric Northman, Viking vampire and local business owner, created by Charlaine Harris in her Southern Vampire Chronicles. Not that Skarsgard does a bad job, you understand. In fact, let's have another photograph of him for illustrative purposes shall we?

The Norseman Northman. Not bad for a dead dude.

Anyway, that's the kind of vamp lover I'm interested in. And would you believe it, Black Forest Magick will do you a 'custom conjure' for only $125. Yep, you can specify age, nationality, character traits...and the man in question will 'live' in this amethyst ring instead of Sweden.

I may just have sent the following email to see whether they had any Vikings in stock:

Dear Black Forest Magick

I was wondering if you would be able to find me a Nordic Vampire spirit? I feel a real connection with the Vikings and would love to bond with one. Ideally I would want a very strong erotic powerful spirit, who would be protective of me. I have had strong dreams of this already. I hope you can help. The ring is perfect and really called to me. Please let me know I am keen to start my journey with vampire spirits.

Lakota

And guess what? I got a reply! 

Greetings,
It is no problem for a Viking or Nordic Vampire Spirit to be called. There are many and I have bound them before.Blessings to you my friend,
Master Andreas

Whoop! If you don't see me around for a while, you can draw your own conclusions. I do just have one more concern though - we've all seen The Lost Boys, right? Will my pointy toothed beau send the goldfish crazy? Seems I've got no reason to worry here either - "as for pets, it's been our experience that most get on fabulously and many vampire spirits are fond of animals."

Phew.

Lakota x


PS. Have you seen my giveaway to win a necklace from Stall 21? Vampire Lover not included

I like big butts...The Magic and Madness of Ebay. Part 2

I've been feeling a little less than fabulous recently. My figure pretty much recovered after my first pregnancy, but then I entered my 30's, bouncing 10lb Boy2 came along, and nights of leaping about to techno til 5am were long past - replaced by sitting on the sofa working my way through the Prison Break boxset and a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. My stomach's fairly flat considering, but I have flabby upper arms and a general loss of tone. So, I've done the only thing that could be done. Returned to that dreaded place we all turn to in the end, the only place that gets results. Huh? Booked a course of Zumba? No, not the gym - do I strike you as someone who would wear sweatpants?! I speak again of Ebay, where everything can be bought...for a price.

Welcome to the Magic and Madness of Ebay, part 2! After the spirit dolls post, it may not surprise you to learn that as well as paranormal collectors, Ebay is also home to a multitude of witches and spell-casters, all just desperate to grant your every desire. But I'm not interested in your common or garden 'love spell', nor protection from 'negative forces' (not yet anyway, let's see how many warlocks I enrage first) - what I need is to lose half a stone - can they help me with that? Why yes! And it's quite uncanny, just look at the first listing I found:

"Welcome my friends! I feel that you were drawn to look at this auction! Your spiritual energy felt where it could gain real help and felt the real magickal energy generated by even just this ad!"

Holy magickal energies Batman! This is just what I need. My bingo wings will finally be a thing of the past, just like the batwing jumpers I use to cover them. And look - she's illustrated her listing with a random picture of Lenny Kravitz, wearing a frankly ridiculous turkey feather and leather combo, which means I have the excuse to reproduce it here!

I still would. Once we'd burned all his clothes

Ok, maybe we can get Mr FHCS all Kravitzed up later. But yes, there's plenty of pictures of what I can achieve with her spell too.

She looks pretty foxy, right? And the seller has absolute faith in her (will)power, having used the 'magick' successfully herself. Between giving birth and her child's first birthday she lost 100lbs. That's 7 stone 2lbs - or Nicole Richie. Wow. Impressive. All she used was "this spell, and basic common sense". Hmmm. Well, for only $9.99 I guess it's worth a shot. Or I could just use the basic common sense part for free.

But why stop at just losing a few pounds? Let's go for a full body overhaul. I think I've mentioned my weird slightly different coloured eyes before. One is green, and the other is hazel with a big brown patch in it, and both are grey round the edge. I could get those coloured contacts, but I don't fancy sticking my finger in my eye. You know what I'm going to say now, don't you? There's a spell! The seller says she can change your eyes to any colour, as long as it's 'natural'. Her picture appears to be of a coloured contacts shade chart, but let's not quibble.

"The colours you may choose from are Amber, Blue, Brown, Gray, Green, Hazel, Red and Purple"

                                       

Yeah, cos so many people have purple eyes.  Don't give me Liz Taylor - her so-called violet eyes were not the colour of Prince's pants. I'm not even going to think about who would ask for red eyes. At least one customer is happy though, leaving the feedback that "spell casted [sic] 5 days ago my eyes were brown now there is [sic] blue ripples. Amazing". I am indeed amazed.

So I have my new sylph-like figure and my bewitching purple eyes, why stop there? I could "grow a few inches taller safely and painlessly", "add a cup or two" to my current breast size or make my face "appear more beautiful to everyone around me". Nah. I want to look like J-Lo. It's time to roll out the big guns. It's the Voodoo Hoodoo Booty Enhancement Spell - whoop! And Mambo Belle, High Priestess of Voodoo 'Magique'  is going all out to sell it, in the rather incomprehensible style of a spam email:

"People will look at you differently, look at you more! You will hear over and over again compliments and comments on your curvaceous bouncing bottom!

Plump, Shapely, Luscious Booty!

Buns of lovely pear shaped globes! 

Curvy Backside!

Luscious Bottom!

Yes, I imagine people will "look at you differently" if you wear those out of the house

All I have to do is send her $29.99 by Paypal, and "join in with a simple candle offering and anointing with oils". Mr FHCS has kindly offered to help with this part. [I don't know about you, but I find my bum often looks better after a judicious helping of body oil and in the dark by candlelight]. Mambo Belle and the Loa Spirit Goddess La Sirene will do the rest. 

All the the magical listings are private so feeback doesn't specify what spell was cast, but it's fun to guess:

"This is great seeing some results, hope to see big results soon!!" 

My money's on the Penis Enlargement spell - only £4.99! Unbelievably, no questions have been asked about the spell - but 24 have been sold! No questions? Not even "can I expect any tingling sensation?", or "will I be able to operate heavy machinery?". But I shouldn't laugh, these are are men who will go to any lengths for what they want. [A little width is thrown in as well]

Seriously though, whatever you call it, I don't believe that magick, magique, voodoo or any other kind of hoodoo can help with gender realignment. But believe it or not that is offered too, along with promises made to couples suffering from infertility. This is taking advantage of people who in all likelihood are at their lowest ebb - desperate - and no legal disclaimer in tiny writing talking about 'entertainment purposes only' makes it OK.

I make no judgements about the power of 'positive energy' if the practitioner has at least met the patient - I know people who swear by acupuncture or reflexology. Who knows, certain Wiccan practises may have some efficacy too - but in small ways. If you're dopey enough to give your money to an Ebay charlatan offering whiter teeth or purple eyes, that's your look out, but promising a baby - or indeed a sex-change - is just unkind. I leave the last word to Mambo Belle, buried at the very end of her listing  for a shapely butt;

"and remember, modern medicine is a type of magick too". 

No shit.

Lakota x

If you can cope with more of my ramblings on slightly more mundane matters, why not come over and 'like' my new Facebook page? Let me know if you have one too. Oh, and don't forget to check if you were one of the Plum and Ivory giveaway winners.

The Magic and Madness of Ebay. Part 1

Ebay. It's a fertile source of vintage (and not so vintage) fripperies, genuine Mulberry Alexas all the way from China, and last year's Primark playsuits. If you type 'chewing gum' into the buying page, the related searches it gives you include 'used chewing gum', 'half eaten sandwich' and 'Britney Spears bra'. Yup, it's a whole compendium of crazy, but some items (and sellers) take it to a hitherto undiscovered level. So, welcome to the first in an occasional series of magic and madness I've found on Ebay. For your delectation today - Spirit Dolls!


Oh yes. You thought reborn dolls were a bit freaky? Indeed they are, and I would swear this is in fact a real child - for $400 I would expect him to be, frankly - but Spirit Dolls go one better. 'Barry' on the left there doesn't do much (unless you count emptying your bank account - spookily realistic again) but don't you want a doll who can 'communicate with you through dreams', 'cause lights to flicker', 'slam doors' , 'create cold spots' or 'play with the faucet'?

You do? Welcome to the world of haunted dolls. Each occupied by a spirit - usually of a child who 'died' in tragic circumstances - and more often than not sold by someone who is 'downsizing', and cannot keep all their paranormal collection of rowdy offspring. What is not explained is why the dolls in question so often resemble the bastard offspring of Chucky from Child's Play and Little Orphan Annie. Look away now if you don't like clowns...

This is Madalyn. Gosh, she's just adorable isn't she? 

Perhaps she died at a birthday party, choking on a Chicken McNugget.

The seller in question is very concerned about the spirit friend she's  flogging on Ebay  passing on and begs:

"All I ask is that you give your spirited doll a good and loving home. Treat each of them with the utmost respect. After all, you too may be a spirited doll someday"

Yes, just as the Bible tells us folks...lead a good life and end up trapped in the body of Tiny Tears, spending eternity turning a fridge on and off.

Of course, you'd probably want a friend for Madalyn wouldn't you? This is Mira, who fell in the creek and drowned whilst trying to catch tadpoles.

She should have used a net...

Oh goody, she can stand up.

Wouldn't it be lovely to see her crossing your room at night?

Whilst researching this post I very nearly clicked Buy It Now rather than Add to Watch List. Phew. I could have inadvertently purchased a 'Haunted Evil Demonic Wooden Zebra'!

Be careful what you buy at the bootsale...

The seller claims to have bought it at an antiques market without knowing it was haunted, much less demonic, and despite being a collector of the paranormal, 'does not want any part of demons'. Well who can blame her?  Just listen to her sales pitch:

"About a week after bringing this into my home weird things started to happen...doors slamming when no one else was there and heavy footsteps, disembodied voices and a horrible smell at times..."

Sounds pretty much like life with toddlers to me, but no, she blames the demonic zebra, yours for only $24.99. I checked the feedback of some of these sellers, and they all seem to have given 100% satisfaction. My favourite comment was this one:

Fast ship and as described. Would do business with again! My wife says Thanks!

(Haunted Baby Secret Doll Possessed Scary Demon Ghost)

One can only imagine the occasion that calls for a baby doll with demonic possession as the perfect gift. If your budget is a little larger than $24.99, who could fail to be enticed by this title?

HAUNTED POSSESSED DEVIL DOLL FROM THE GATES OF HELL!!!

$999.00 (free shipping)

That free shipping might just seal the deal for the casual shopper. The listing was accompanied by a lengthy and no doubt nonsensical story about how the doll came to be in their possession, but as it was written in gothic font and basically began "it was a dark and stormy night", I rather thought it was typed by someone who got a D on their creative writing course. This kind of tale gets the 'real' sellers all riled up. The seller at Dorian Midnight's Dark Emporium huffs:

"I have seen people paint dark eyes on dolls, write ludicrous long stories, with no merit about their “haunted dolls” and even  claim they have a infinite supply from a “magic Grandmother”, or some other fictional person, in an attempt to sell an otherwise plain and ordinary doll to somebody, for no other reason but personal gain."

Naturally, she'd never take any of her dolls out to a cemetery and pose them on a selection of other people's graves! I mean, that would just be wrong, wouldn't it? 

Oh.

Sweet dreams y'all!
Lakota x

Want more? See The Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 2