Oscars Frocks 2016 - Arachnophobia, Amputees and the Emperor's New Clothes

If you've been following this blog for a while you'll be aware that I am the living embodiment of style - somewhere between Kate Moss and Iris Apfel - and am therefore totally qualified to make judgements about other women's clothes. I read fashion blogs and magazines whilst eating quavers and wearing pyjama bottoms from BHS. When awards season rolls round I like nothing more than a good fashion police session on Facebook with my equally sarcastic chic enablers and I'm always looking for more squad members, so do let me know your thoughts.

Here is the very gorgeous Alicia Vikander, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Danish Girl, and according to several news outlets 'channelling' Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Presumably they're referring to the fact she has long brown hair and is wearing a yellow swooshy dress, not the fact that she is dating Michael Fassbender.

My first thought, aside from "bitch can act AND suits yellow, is there no justice?" was "where the hell is her other leg?'' I mean seriously, that's not photoshopped. Her right leg has disappeared. She's like the anti-Angelina. Possibly she really is the android she played in Ex-Machina and can remove body parts. As my friend Rachel remarked, anything to lose a few pounds for the cameras. Of course, putting aside the missing limb, another pressing problem is that the hem of her dress looks like my duvet cover when it comes out of the washing machine full of socks. But she has an oscar, she doesn't care.

The Leg of Doom™ 2012 Academy Awards

You know who else has an oscar? Brie Larson for Room. I absolutely love the colour of her gown and thought it looked amazing in motion.

That said, I wasn't keen on her school-girl hair (she and Alicia both look like they were expecting to do the Head Girl's talk to prospective parents at secondary school) and the sheer layer of fabric on the bodice makes me feel that an emergency trip to the optician is necessary. Last time my eyes felt this out of focus tequila was involved. 

Don't look at my chest or you'll go blind

Frida Pinto also went for blue at the Vanity Fair Oscars party. She is lovely, but the dress is less so. That evil looking belt buckle is just waiting to stab her in the abs when  she sits down. Her boyfriend is a hottie, although he seems to have left his slippers on with his tux.

Next we have Heidi Klum, who despite neither being an actor nor married to one, always gets to go to the Oscars. She is of course a very successful model, who wears weird clothes for her job and sees nothing wrong in a busman's holiday. I vaguely remember some TV programme where aspiring designers have to make an outfit out of tinfoil/100 copies of The Sun/remaindered Jedward CDs or similar, and this looks like they were given 30 yards of pale mauve tulle and one of those Chinese dressmakers that make 'designer ball gown' copies.

Left arm = Daenerys from Game of Thrones

Right arm = Margot from The Good Life

Lady Gaga has been toning down her look recently, and frankly I miss those innocent days where she'd rock up to an awards show wearing 6lbs of Serrano ham. Instead she decided to make two outfits out of ready to roll fondant icing left over from doing her Christmas cake. This one is a sort of trouser/dress combo with the worst elements of each - badly fitting round the boobs and creating camel toe. "When you're trying to keep a towel around you but need your hands. Clench the pelvic floor in as a last resort" said Lucy.

Admittedly it looked a lot better when she was standing differently but I don't get this fatwa against the bra that appears to be to be going on in Hollywood.

I guess at least she didn't wear a wedding dress and washing up gloves like she did last year.

Anyway, later on she put on a top and trousers combo that fitted far better (aside from the hem length for someone two feet taller) and accessorized with a tablecloth bustle which made her look strangely like a centaur. I just wish that if that was the look she was going for she'd gone all out, you know? The Gaga of old would have worn hoof shoes and a 3 foot unicorn horn headpiece and been all the better for it!

Born this...Neigh

And how about Emma Roberts? Floaty and sheer? Tick. Flattering cut and drape? Tick. Covered in freaking spiders?? Aargh! I saw this dress and as well as being immediately itchy I just thought of this video. If you look closely at her face it's clear she's actually frozen in terror and/or auditioning for a remake of Arachnophobia.

'Follow the spiders' said Hagrid

What does everyone make of this one worn by Liz Hernandez from Access Hollywood? [no, I don't know who she is either] I think she was right to not go Princessy with the hair and not to wear a necklace - although a stack of bangles on the other arm might have been nice - but she does look rather as though she's wearing a silhouette of Olive Oyl. Or possibly that she's been painted by Picasso.

A whole new meaning to 'side boob' 

We've had to suffer several years now of 'dresses' that are so sheer they're not actually there, presumably so celebs can show off the reults of their diet and exercise regimes and the prowess of their waxer. Why wait for a hacker to steal your nude photos when you can show the world what you look like naked by making a dress out of pantyhose and the odd sequin? (I'm looking at you Beyonce, Kim K and Rihanna, amongst others). Perhaps things weren't quite as nude as they have been, there was no actual nipple or butt cheek on display, but still plenty to make me wonder whether I maybe shouldn't have eaten 5 salted caramel Muller Rice already this week.  This year's Vanity Fair party gave us two ladies in sheer red - Gwen Stefani and Diane Kruger - plus the girl from that dreadful Blurred Lines video, Emily 'look at my tatas' Ratajowski.

Diane Kruger is generally known as a fashion risk taker. She is an ex-model and has the figure for this bordello lampshade lace and tassels affair. She looks like she's holding her breath and is going to do so all night though, which can't be comfortable, right?

Diane wished she'd said no to that kebab. In 1991

Gwen Stefani is another funky dresser and has relatively recently split with cheating husband Gavin Rossdale and started another high profile romance with Blake Shelton. Her dress gives me slight 'Ha! look what you're missing' vibes, but that's understandable. I like the flamey-leafy bottom of the dress (a bit more of this and a bit less leg would look better) but what's less forgivable is red mesh on the shoulders, which gives a 'two weeks in Benidorm with no suncream' look. Hannah and I decided that her dress was being censored by 'the red hand of modesty', which could become a feature in Heat magazine. Plus she's accessorised with a man who clearly thinks dressing up means putting on his best jeans. 

Girl on fire. Bloke nipping out to buy fags

Here's Emily Ratatatas. It's some feat of engineering keeping those Jessica Rabbit boobs up and in that 'dress'. [Does attaching a bit of sheer fabric to a bustier make it a dress? I guess so]

We all thought Olivia Munn looked gorgeous in orange and of course Cate Blanchett looks like a goddess always, although Sara was less taken with the 'pritt sticked bits' on her sea foam frock and I'm inclined to agree, although I think they work on the top half I wouldn't want them on my bum.

Looking over the photos I'm left wondering how any of them walk, as I can't see anyone's feet - or rather foot - aside from Alicia Vikander's and those dresses are super long. Anyway, I'm off to bed to order slacks from a Sunday supplement - tell me your hits and misses in the comments.

Lakota x

Edited to add this link suggested by Kezzie - a little girl who makes her own versions of the Oscar frocks out of paper. Very cute!

Ta-dah! Tuesday - Mocha Squares Recipe [aka How to celebrate weight loss]

Hello, and happy Tuesday! What better way is there to celebrate seeing a pleasing weight on the scales than by baking, eh?

Anyway - Mocha Squares. I LOVE these, and have since I was a little girl. I always requested them for my birthday parties and my mum would always oblige. October is my birthday month and it appears the craving for the chocolate oaty base with sweet coffee icing hasn't lessened over time! I just need to reign in the urge to eat four in one go, I have made could make myself very sick on these. The recipe is also a winner as it's quick easy and low on elbow grease required.

I'm afraid I've only ever had imperial measurements, so if you're a modern gal you'll have to use an old scales  or use a conversion chart to get the metric amounts. As Mr FHCS is away again on business I used my smaller tin, but usually I add half again to the measurements. I will put the bigger batch amounts in brackets.

Mocha Squares

For the base

6oz (8oz) margarine or butter (I use hard cooking marg)

6oz (8oz) white sugar

6oz (8oz) self raising flour

3 3/4 oz (5oz) porridge oats

1 1/2 oz (2oz) cocoa powder

For the icing

1 1/2oz (2oz) marg/butter

3/4 tablespoon (1 tblsp) coffee essence. [measure out the right amount of instant coffee in the spoon. Add boiling water to the same level so it dissolves in the spoon]

6oz (8oz) icing/powdered sugar

This batch is made in a shallow square tin measuring 6.5 x 6.5 inches approx. The larger batch is made in a shallow rectangular tin which is 7 x 11 inches.

Method

• pre-heat the oven to 180c
• In a saucepan, gently melt the margarine. Stir in the sugar, then sieve in the flour and cocoa powder. Finally add the oats and stir with a wooden spoon until everything is incorporated.

• Grease and flour your tin, then squish the mixture in and firmly level it with the back of a spoon.
• Put in your preheated oven for 15 minutes exactly. You want it cooked, but without the edges catching or going crispy.
• Cool in the tin on a wire rack.

When cool, make the icing in a clean saucepan.

• Melt the margarine/butter. Turn the heat off.
• Add the coffee essence.
• Sift in the icing sugar.
• You should find that with a stir, the icing comes together in a ball, as if you were making a roux.
• Ice the base whilst it's still in the tin. I generally just splodge the icing into the middle and spread it out to the edges from there using a palette knife. If you have problems, dip the blade of the knife into just boiled water and it should spread smoothly.
• Make a pattern in the icing with the tines of a fork.

• You should be able to turn the whole thing out with the help of a fish-slice, but otherwise, cut into squares in the tin.

• Don't blame me when the scales start creeping up again.

So, what's new this week? I have been a little better about visiting everyone lately, but please do feel free to link up even if I've seen your post. Take a look at a few other submissions while you're at it. Someone suggested that from now on I feature a particular post the following week - what do you reckon? I don't want to create a popularity contest or anything but I always appreciate it whenever someone links to a post of mine and potential new readers see it.

Lakota x

PS. I've also had enquiries about the Chr***mas swap. I don't mind organising it if people are are still interested. Let me know...

Magpie Monday - How to be beautiful

Just a quick Magpie Monday post to show a few books I've found recently. This Warne's Pleasure Book for Girls was published in 1933 and makes a nice addition to my collection. It was £3.00 from a charity bookshop in the Lake District.

What's that Lassie? Gertrude's fallen down an abandoned well?

The stories include 'The Unlucky Hockey Stick', 'Barbara's Speed Boat' and 'The Queer one of the Family' and suggest the usual mix of school shenanigans, high drama and unintentional hilarity.

I also found this 1988 Bunty annual for 40p, which contains a rather alarming story about a group of school boys attempting to obtain their (foxy) matron's vital statistics so they can buy her a new dress. When they're not hiding in her wardrobe, they're 'accidentally' bumping into her so that someone can sneak up on her with a tape measure! It's all a bit Benny Hill.

[click to enlarge pictures]

Finally a few extracts from a book I found at a carboot sale. It's called 'What Every Woman Should Know', and is a collection of clippings from the Daily Mail of the 1930s. 

Liz Jones: how to look snooty

There are plenty of handy household hints -  "sour milk makes a good cleaner for gilt picture frames" - recipes, and indepth analysis of the latest fashions; "blouse jackets are trumps for Autumn". I think my favourite part is the beauty pages though - woe betide the fashionable 30s woman who attempted to wear the latest 'tip-tilted hats' with 'the least suspcicion of a double chin' or with 'sagging cheek muscles'. Charming phrases such as 'bingo wings' and 'cankles' had yet to be invented, but it seems there was no shortage of imaginary flaws to focus on. Do you know anyone who suffers with "that fleshy lump at the back of the neck that is so disfiguring"? If contorting yourself between two mirrors proves that you are indeed afflicted - don't worry. 'It can be eradicated by the right exercise'.

If your face is OK but your figure lets you down - why not take up ice skating this winter? Personally I don't know anyone who puts on 8lbs in the summer which they then  lose in the winter - salad vs stew, I don't think so - but if this is your problem you'll be pleased to know that 'as you skate the flesh is actually massaged away between hips and ribs'.

 

Sadly I don't have much time for daily skating - am I doomed to be fat?

Yes.

Lakota x

Sharing this post with Liz at Magpie Monday and Thrift Share Monday

Don't forget it's Ta-dah! Tuesday here tomorrow.

Frog Princess update: Her Magnificent Body!

Just a quick post, but I had to share this. I got such great feedback on my Frog Princess post - some of the comments really made me laugh and there were obviously a few of you wincing in recognition. Anyway, if you're currently suffering the critical eye of your offspring, read this and remember that occasionally they make up for it. Boy 1 (age 7) had started writing this in his 'topic book' as I was writing the post, but today I got to see it completed. The subject is 'I am thankful for...' and all idiosyncratic spelling and phrasing is his own!

"I am thankful for my beautiful mother because she always makes my dinner. She also engcoureges me to do things I'm to scared to do. She made me and brought me to earth in her special way*. Only using her magnificent body"

I fear that 'only using my magnificent body!' may become my catch phase of choice whenever I'm asked how I've done something - worthy of a slogan t-shirt don't you think?

I googled and discovered that I share this accolade with a collection by an American poet, Christina Hendricks and former Spice Girl Mel B, although Boy1 hadn't chosen any of these to illustrate his pronouncement. Instead it was accompanied by a picture of me looking like I'd fallen asleep in the tropics following a chemical peel; apparently there wasn't a light pink pencil. Sadly I can't reproduce it here as his book needs to stay in class. But thank-you sweetheart, I appreciate it. And it's spag-bol for dinner tonight.

Lakota x

*He was made and 'brought to earth' in the usual way. We're not from Krypton or anything.

Frog Princess

Did you read Lucy's recent post about self-esteem and body image? Krista then followed up with her own honest piece about her reasons for having breast enhancement surgery some years ago. In Krista's case, it was her then boyfriend who triggered the onset of feeling less comfortable with her appearance. Lucy suggests that we seem to have an innate ability to remember and extrapolate 'truth' from a single negative comment, whereas any number of compliments are instantly forgotten, or dismissed as mere politeness. Krista's response to one comment from her ex would seem to bear this out.

I also agree that despite many many opinion pieces on the subject - and the very existence of the vile misogynistic rag which is the Daily Mail "Look! This woman has aged in the 30 years since she made that film where she looked sexy! Let's ridicule her!"- the blame for my own vacillating self esteem cannot be placed at the feet of the media. I'm not an idiot, and thankfully not in the public eye. Whilst I'm aware that my pasty pins would look infinitely better with a tan, I have never felt the urge to sport a complexion which is   two parts Tango to three parts Ronseal. And I think we're all aware by now that magazines and ad agencies use and abuse Photoshop in their cover girl hatchet jobs. Some are beyond ridiculous -  the people at Ralph Lauren are obviously so inured to his own er, individual look, that a model's hair being twice the width of her waist could be overlooked with ease:

whereas others do take a second glance. I have no idea who Mariska Hargitay is, but I'm pretty sure she's a beautiful woman, who doesn't actually have the proportions of a Blythe doll reflected in a fun-house mirror: 

No, I don't blame the media. I occasionally succumb to the glossy lure of Grazia when I'm in Tescos and the kids are nagging for some over-priced kids mag with a shabby plastic toy on the front, but I always regret it afterwards. Not because I'm sobbing at the fact I'll never look like Cheryl Cole, but because the cover story is such a non-event. 'My new body' exclusives are beyond tedious at the best of times [we get it, you used your millions to pay for a personal trainer, or you got lipo. Yawn] but this isn't even a story of flab to fab. This is the same thin famous woman, continuing to look famous and thin. Just in a different outfit. If I'd bought this, I'd only have my own defective reasoning abilities to blame.

 I'm not denying that Cheryl has a 'killer body' in the main photograph,

but she appears have exactly the same one in the inset picture. Surely she got 'from this, to THIS' merely by taking her T-shirt off and swapping her trousers for some leopard print knickers?

THERE'S NOTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT HER! 

Feelunique.com's mock-up of 'the perfect woman', having asked shoppers about their most admired parts of female celebrities. "She has Angelina Jolie’s pillow lips, Megan Fox’s perfectly shaped eyebrows and The Duchess of Cambridge’s long glossy hair". She also has a neck to rival the Karen hill-tribe 'giraffe' women of Thailand, but strangely that's not mentioned... 

So who do I blame, if not these ludicrous magazines or societal pressure? It's my children. Seriously. Is it not enough that pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding wreak all kinds of havoc on your hitherto peachy body? Apparently not. I wouldn't mind, but mine also feel the need to point out the damage they’ve inflicted. Yeah, you supermodels or new mummy bloggers can describe your c-section scars or stretch marks as ‘badges of honour’ as much as you like, but you’re not fooling me.  After 36 hours of labour and emergency abdominal surgery I didn’t want a badge of honour. I wanted a fucking medal and 3 weeks in the Caribbean to recuperate. And now I’d like a boob-lift and a bottom which isn’t like a ‘wibble wobble jelly’ please. [direct quote from Boy2. Although whilst we were in Scotland he appeared as I was getting dressed and had apparently changed his diagnosis. Instead, my bottom was "very wrinkly. Like because you've been in the bath". I hadn't. I think I preferred his original opinion]

Yes, whilst I’ve somehow managed to spawn children with the looks of Botticelli cherubs – they’re not even adopted – regrettably they possess a level of tact somewhere between Simon Cowell and Janice Dickinson from America's Next Top Model.  Once you become a mother, the mere act of singing in the shower – once a simple pleasure, tolerated by an indulgent boyfriend –  is now likely to be punctuated by a small child observing you critically through the curtain and saying something like “Are you doing a wee Mummy? It looks like it. You’re making my ears hurt. I need to do a poo”.  On one memorable occasion I was asked "is your willy poking out?” When I replied in the negative and explained that girls and ladies didn’t have willies, he replied triumphantly – “Just balls!”.

Hmm, which would you say was wobblier? Mummy's bottom or dessert?

And don't think it's just my post-baby body which comes under scrutiny. When their gimlet gaze is lifted from my nether regions for a moment, I am treated to reminders about my need to buy pore-minimising cream "Your nose has little holes" and to keep up with a more regular schedule of depilation "You're all prickly!". At least my boobs are deemed "nice and fat", which I think is a compliment. Though Grandad was less pleased when his were noted.

Oh, but there was the time that Boy2 turned to me and said, "You look beautiful Mummy". I preened a little and began to thank him, whereupon he finished "Beautiful as a frog!". I guess to a three year old that could be considered high praise - I do get a lot of kisses after all.

Me.

Do you have any children in your life? Are you the Princess or the frog in theirs?

Lakota x

Don't forget to sign up for the third Faith Hope and Charity Swap - Jubilee year Special! Loads of people have joined up already - and it's open all over the world.

Top 10 Tagged

The stylish and beautiful Becca aka Smashingbird has tagged me for the Top 10 award, which requires you to list your top 10 beauty products. As you may have already realised, I'm a natural beauty terminally lazy day to day. Even if I feel like it, I very rarely seem to have time to do anything thrilling make-up wise before I head out to do the school run, and am in awe of women who manage to do a full face of make-up as well as get their children ready. Mind you, some appear to claw back the time by not changing out of their night attire. I have yet to plummet far enough into indolence to not get dressed in the morning, so I feel I am one up on the 'pyjama mamas'. Anyway, here's my 'can't do without' products, in no particular order:

1. Clarins UV Plus Day Screen spf 40. It's poncey, it's expensive, it comes in a teeny weeny bottle. Sorry. It's well worth it though. It doesn't bring my face out in spots like a lot of sun-creams do, and it sits happily under moisturiser and make-up. I would recommend getting people to bring it back for you from airports, or buying with Boots Advantage Card points. It does turn up on Ebay cheaper as well, so shop around, as with most of my recommendations to follow. You'd think I'd be thriftier. Huh.

2. nails inc. polishes. These were also on Becca's list, but I couldn't leave them off mine, as I am in complete agreement. They have have every colour you could possibly need, and the top and base coats are the best I've come across for giving a professional manicure finish. They are often given away with Glamour (readable) and InStyle (terrible), and as they are about £12 in the shops, it's well worth buying the magazines for the freebies alone.

3. Johnson's baby shampoo. I have fine hair, but loads of it, and it tangles terribly when I wash it. A hair dresser recommended I use this years before I had any children, and it does help. And 'no more tears' for me when I get it in my eyes!

4. Origins Night-A-Mins eye cream. Expensive, but lasts ages and appears to be working! Luckily a good friend works for Estee Lauder and can get it cheaply for me.

5. Thierry Mugler Angel perfume. Reminds me of Paris with Mr FHCS, where I first sprayed and bought it from Sephora. Now my signature scent, and one of the few 'big' perfumes that doesn't give me a headache. I can't speak for anyone around me though! [CK one is an old favourite and close second, but it reminds me so powerfully of living in Bristol that I can't wear it without a being transported back instantly to my University days. I don't spend all my time pining for student life, but the merest hint of its scent makes my heart lurch]

6. The Body Shop brow and lash gel. Tames my unruly eyebrows!

7. Ditto Tweezerman tweezers. These are also handy for grey hair removal. I do not subscribe to the notion that if you pull one out, 5 more grow. This is nonsense. If you don't pull them out, they will mock you from the mirror in the style of that hair dye advert where one crazy hair waves wildly from the top of a woman's head. Obviously there will come a time when it's grey hair or baldness. Then I shall embrace the dye. At the moment, the couple I have are ruthlessly executed. You blondies are lucky.

8. Shavata arch enhancer pencil. You may be noticing an obsession with my eyebrows. I said I was lazy, I've never claimed not to be vain! This is a weird chunky pencil which you draw under your eyebrow with, and it highlights the arch. It's also excellent as a concealer to hide any stray hairs which are growing back but you haven't yet plucked/waxed/threaded.

9. Origins Calm to your Senses body soufflé. This smells amazing and is extremely luxurious and stupidly priced! I also have loads of other body lotions and potions which I need to use up first, but if I had the choice I'd go for this one. At £22 a pop it's a good thing I have the aforementioned beauty industry friend. [I managed to Google this wrong several times. Clam Soufflé is something else entirely, and unlikely to bring anyone but the local tomcats to your boudoir.]

10. Red lipstick. This is what tells me - and I suppose the world - that I mean business and am upping the glamour stakes. My face in repose is inclined to the pouty, (I had an unfortunate nickname as a teen based on my mouth and its supposed attributes) and when I smile we're talking a Jack Nicholson grin I inherited from my dad, so I don't really wear red during the day. It's a bit too 'look at me' for first thing in the morning (not my best time). I have yet to find the holy grail of red lippies, and have been following recent posts on the subject with interest, but at the moment I tend to combine two. Firstly Revlon's In the Red, which is very matte in texture, then I layer Rimmel's Diva Red over the top, which is far glossier, and wears off more quickly. If you're a fellow pasty brunette (who gets flushed easily) with green eyes and have found a red you love - do let me know!

So, on to listing the ten bloggers whose make up bags I'd like to root around in. Apologies if you've been tagged in this already, I've seen this post around quite a bit recently.

VainGlorySinner
Tea Diary
Blighty Boutique
Fashion's Most Wanted
Firebird
Hippie Boho Reloaded
Missy Vintage
Me and My Shadow
LaSophia
Gem Fatale