I like big butts...The Magic and Madness of Ebay. Part 2

I've been feeling a little less than fabulous recently. My figure pretty much recovered after my first pregnancy, but then I entered my 30's, bouncing 10lb Boy2 came along, and nights of leaping about to techno til 5am were long past - replaced by sitting on the sofa working my way through the Prison Break boxset and a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. My stomach's fairly flat considering, but I have flabby upper arms and a general loss of tone. So, I've done the only thing that could be done. Returned to that dreaded place we all turn to in the end, the only place that gets results. Huh? Booked a course of Zumba? No, not the gym - do I strike you as someone who would wear sweatpants?! I speak again of Ebay, where everything can be bought...for a price.

Welcome to the Magic and Madness of Ebay, part 2! After the spirit dolls post, it may not surprise you to learn that as well as paranormal collectors, Ebay is also home to a multitude of witches and spell-casters, all just desperate to grant your every desire. But I'm not interested in your common or garden 'love spell', nor protection from 'negative forces' (not yet anyway, let's see how many warlocks I enrage first) - what I need is to lose half a stone - can they help me with that? Why yes! And it's quite uncanny, just look at the first listing I found:

"Welcome my friends! I feel that you were drawn to look at this auction! Your spiritual energy felt where it could gain real help and felt the real magickal energy generated by even just this ad!"

Holy magickal energies Batman! This is just what I need. My bingo wings will finally be a thing of the past, just like the batwing jumpers I use to cover them. And look - she's illustrated her listing with a random picture of Lenny Kravitz, wearing a frankly ridiculous turkey feather and leather combo, which means I have the excuse to reproduce it here!

I still would. Once we'd burned all his clothes

Ok, maybe we can get Mr FHCS all Kravitzed up later. But yes, there's plenty of pictures of what I can achieve with her spell too.

She looks pretty foxy, right? And the seller has absolute faith in her (will)power, having used the 'magick' successfully herself. Between giving birth and her child's first birthday she lost 100lbs. That's 7 stone 2lbs - or Nicole Richie. Wow. Impressive. All she used was "this spell, and basic common sense". Hmmm. Well, for only $9.99 I guess it's worth a shot. Or I could just use the basic common sense part for free.

But why stop at just losing a few pounds? Let's go for a full body overhaul. I think I've mentioned my weird slightly different coloured eyes before. One is green, and the other is hazel with a big brown patch in it, and both are grey round the edge. I could get those coloured contacts, but I don't fancy sticking my finger in my eye. You know what I'm going to say now, don't you? There's a spell! The seller says she can change your eyes to any colour, as long as it's 'natural'. Her picture appears to be of a coloured contacts shade chart, but let's not quibble.

"The colours you may choose from are Amber, Blue, Brown, Gray, Green, Hazel, Red and Purple"

                                       

Yeah, cos so many people have purple eyes.  Don't give me Liz Taylor - her so-called violet eyes were not the colour of Prince's pants. I'm not even going to think about who would ask for red eyes. At least one customer is happy though, leaving the feedback that "spell casted [sic] 5 days ago my eyes were brown now there is [sic] blue ripples. Amazing". I am indeed amazed.

So I have my new sylph-like figure and my bewitching purple eyes, why stop there? I could "grow a few inches taller safely and painlessly", "add a cup or two" to my current breast size or make my face "appear more beautiful to everyone around me". Nah. I want to look like J-Lo. It's time to roll out the big guns. It's the Voodoo Hoodoo Booty Enhancement Spell - whoop! And Mambo Belle, High Priestess of Voodoo 'Magique'  is going all out to sell it, in the rather incomprehensible style of a spam email:

"People will look at you differently, look at you more! You will hear over and over again compliments and comments on your curvaceous bouncing bottom!

Plump, Shapely, Luscious Booty!

Buns of lovely pear shaped globes! 

Curvy Backside!

Luscious Bottom!

Yes, I imagine people will "look at you differently" if you wear those out of the house

All I have to do is send her $29.99 by Paypal, and "join in with a simple candle offering and anointing with oils". Mr FHCS has kindly offered to help with this part. [I don't know about you, but I find my bum often looks better after a judicious helping of body oil and in the dark by candlelight]. Mambo Belle and the Loa Spirit Goddess La Sirene will do the rest. 

All the the magical listings are private so feeback doesn't specify what spell was cast, but it's fun to guess:

"This is great seeing some results, hope to see big results soon!!" 

My money's on the Penis Enlargement spell - only £4.99! Unbelievably, no questions have been asked about the spell - but 24 have been sold! No questions? Not even "can I expect any tingling sensation?", or "will I be able to operate heavy machinery?". But I shouldn't laugh, these are are men who will go to any lengths for what they want. [A little width is thrown in as well]

Seriously though, whatever you call it, I don't believe that magick, magique, voodoo or any other kind of hoodoo can help with gender realignment. But believe it or not that is offered too, along with promises made to couples suffering from infertility. This is taking advantage of people who in all likelihood are at their lowest ebb - desperate - and no legal disclaimer in tiny writing talking about 'entertainment purposes only' makes it OK.

I make no judgements about the power of 'positive energy' if the practitioner has at least met the patient - I know people who swear by acupuncture or reflexology. Who knows, certain Wiccan practises may have some efficacy too - but in small ways. If you're dopey enough to give your money to an Ebay charlatan offering whiter teeth or purple eyes, that's your look out, but promising a baby - or indeed a sex-change - is just unkind. I leave the last word to Mambo Belle, buried at the very end of her listing  for a shapely butt;

"and remember, modern medicine is a type of magick too". 

No shit.

Lakota x

If you can cope with more of my ramblings on slightly more mundane matters, why not come over and 'like' my new Facebook page? Let me know if you have one too. Oh, and don't forget to check if you were one of the Plum and Ivory giveaway winners.