Catherine Zeta Jones, another baby, Disney jewellery and other shit I don't want for Mothers' Day

Hey. It's Mothering Sunday here in the UK. I wrote this yesterday, cos right now I'm probably busy drinking a cup of coffee in bed and admiring my cards - no doubt glitter, pritt-stick and felt-tip heavy. There might even be some over-buttered toast and a macaroni necklace. It will be lovely.

I'm pretty certain there will be none of the items I mentioned in the post title. But I do feel I have to share this website, just in case you don't like your mother/MIL. And forewarned is forearmed. It may be an idea to set parental controls on the computer now - I know my mum was happier the year I bought her a Fry's Turkish Delight with my pocket money than the time I purchased a hideous mock ivory figurine of a cartoon housewife clutching a trophy, engraved with the legend 'World's Greatest Mum'. [It was the 80s, I bought it from the corner shop. Possibly only beaten by the occasion I bought my dad a 'Male Chauvinist' pig shaped soap for Fathers' Day. I didn't know what it meant, it just occupied a vague 'male' space in my mind, along with things like cricket boxes and that weird springy chest expander thing that he kept at the back of the wardrobe.] One day your children will have spending power and the internet.

Anyway, if like me you take perverse pleasure in reading those adverts at the back of Sunday supplement magazines - send no money now, simply enjoy displaying this limited edition Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge plate, with regal gold accents - then you should be in your element when browsing The Bradford Exchange. "Forty years of innovation, artistry and design" - plus they've kindly added a 'Mothers' Day Gifts' section to their site, so it's all there for me in three convenient pages.

'FLOWER OF WALES' PATRIOTIC LADY FIGURINE

Apparently the 'flower of Wales' is Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as Eliza Doolittle, lovingly cast in 'artist's resin'. Personally my choice would be Ruth Jones dressed as Rizzo from Grease - that really would be "a marvellous display from any angle!", but until a designer of granny-beloved knick-nacks shares my vision, then I'll have to settle for CZJ.  After all, "it goes without saying that you are deeply proud of your heritage! Now you can honour your great country and commemorate its courage, beauty, proud identity and history with an exceptional first-of-a-kind treasure".

Oddly enough, they seem to have used CZJ as their model for the English Rose, Wild Irish Rose, and Flower of Scotland figurines too, but only the Welsh version is deemed a suitable Mothers Day gift. I'm off to stick a daffodil in my hair.

'MOTHER'S WISHES OF LOVE' PERSONALISED MUSIC BOX

It has swarovski crystals and faux jewels! It plays the 'heartfelt melody' of 'You are the Wind Beaneath my Wings'! It can be expertly personalised with the names of up to six loved ones! It looks like a funeral urn!

It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. Just in case you were worried that someone might ask you to prove that it really is a hideous music box? 

ULTIMATE DISNEY CLASSIC CHARM BRACELET

I would love this from one of my boys, and wear it proudly. If they'd won it for me on the pier at Brighton. If on the other hand they'd paid five instalments of £29.99 for this 'charming masterpiece' with 'lavish 24 carat gold plating', I'd think I'd failed in my duty as a mother. [£149.99. Are they serious?!]

OUR FAMILY IS A CIRCLE OF LOVE - PERSONALISED BIRTHSTONE RING

Ok, so this kind of overly sentimental design isn't to my taste. I appreciate others might like the idea though. And what mum doesn't think of her children as precious gems? Oh, except the 'free personalised birthstones' are all cubic zirconia and it still costs a hundred quid!

I'm not sure The Bradford Exchange has an exact grasp of what Mothers' Day actually entails. Why would you give your mother a bracelet engraved with 'Always my daughter, now too my friend'? Or a 'My Daughter, I love you' music box? Still, either of these would be preferable to ANOTHER BLOODY BABY. Are they insane? If you are a mother, you've had/are having these precious moments. With an actual real child. That one that destroyed your peace of mind/ability to wear crop tops forever.

OLIVIA'S GENTLE TOUCH BABY DOLL

"Few memories are as precious as the first time your baby responds to you by wrapping her tiny hand around your finger. Now this lifelike baby doll allows you to recapture this tender moment whenever you wish!"

£149.99 and they can't even throw in the two AA batteries required? Mind you, if I'd had the choice I'd probably have utilised an off-switch on my boys more than once...

I hope you all have a lovely day, whether or not you can be with your own mum. I'll leave you with my favourite royal items from The Bradford Exchange - who among us can forget the glorious day that Christine Bleakley wed Christopher Walken?

Christine Bleakley. On stilts.

£29.99

Christopher Walken, Prince of the Realm

£149.99

But be quick, there's just 95 casting days for the bride figurine - and the factory only churns out 10,000 a day!

Lakota x

The Magic and Madness of Ebay. Part 1

Ebay. It's a fertile source of vintage (and not so vintage) fripperies, genuine Mulberry Alexas all the way from China, and last year's Primark playsuits. If you type 'chewing gum' into the buying page, the related searches it gives you include 'used chewing gum', 'half eaten sandwich' and 'Britney Spears bra'. Yup, it's a whole compendium of crazy, but some items (and sellers) take it to a hitherto undiscovered level. So, welcome to the first in an occasional series of magic and madness I've found on Ebay. For your delectation today - Spirit Dolls!


Oh yes. You thought reborn dolls were a bit freaky? Indeed they are, and I would swear this is in fact a real child - for $400 I would expect him to be, frankly - but Spirit Dolls go one better. 'Barry' on the left there doesn't do much (unless you count emptying your bank account - spookily realistic again) but don't you want a doll who can 'communicate with you through dreams', 'cause lights to flicker', 'slam doors' , 'create cold spots' or 'play with the faucet'?

You do? Welcome to the world of haunted dolls. Each occupied by a spirit - usually of a child who 'died' in tragic circumstances - and more often than not sold by someone who is 'downsizing', and cannot keep all their paranormal collection of rowdy offspring. What is not explained is why the dolls in question so often resemble the bastard offspring of Chucky from Child's Play and Little Orphan Annie. Look away now if you don't like clowns...

This is Madalyn. Gosh, she's just adorable isn't she? 

Perhaps she died at a birthday party, choking on a Chicken McNugget.

The seller in question is very concerned about the spirit friend she's  flogging on Ebay  passing on and begs:

"All I ask is that you give your spirited doll a good and loving home. Treat each of them with the utmost respect. After all, you too may be a spirited doll someday"

Yes, just as the Bible tells us folks...lead a good life and end up trapped in the body of Tiny Tears, spending eternity turning a fridge on and off.

Of course, you'd probably want a friend for Madalyn wouldn't you? This is Mira, who fell in the creek and drowned whilst trying to catch tadpoles.

She should have used a net...

Oh goody, she can stand up.

Wouldn't it be lovely to see her crossing your room at night?

Whilst researching this post I very nearly clicked Buy It Now rather than Add to Watch List. Phew. I could have inadvertently purchased a 'Haunted Evil Demonic Wooden Zebra'!

Be careful what you buy at the bootsale...

The seller claims to have bought it at an antiques market without knowing it was haunted, much less demonic, and despite being a collector of the paranormal, 'does not want any part of demons'. Well who can blame her?  Just listen to her sales pitch:

"About a week after bringing this into my home weird things started to happen...doors slamming when no one else was there and heavy footsteps, disembodied voices and a horrible smell at times..."

Sounds pretty much like life with toddlers to me, but no, she blames the demonic zebra, yours for only $24.99. I checked the feedback of some of these sellers, and they all seem to have given 100% satisfaction. My favourite comment was this one:

Fast ship and as described. Would do business with again! My wife says Thanks!

(Haunted Baby Secret Doll Possessed Scary Demon Ghost)

One can only imagine the occasion that calls for a baby doll with demonic possession as the perfect gift. If your budget is a little larger than $24.99, who could fail to be enticed by this title?

HAUNTED POSSESSED DEVIL DOLL FROM THE GATES OF HELL!!!

$999.00 (free shipping)

That free shipping might just seal the deal for the casual shopper. The listing was accompanied by a lengthy and no doubt nonsensical story about how the doll came to be in their possession, but as it was written in gothic font and basically began "it was a dark and stormy night", I rather thought it was typed by someone who got a D on their creative writing course. This kind of tale gets the 'real' sellers all riled up. The seller at Dorian Midnight's Dark Emporium huffs:

"I have seen people paint dark eyes on dolls, write ludicrous long stories, with no merit about their “haunted dolls” and even  claim they have a infinite supply from a “magic Grandmother”, or some other fictional person, in an attempt to sell an otherwise plain and ordinary doll to somebody, for no other reason but personal gain."

Naturally, she'd never take any of her dolls out to a cemetery and pose them on a selection of other people's graves! I mean, that would just be wrong, wouldn't it? 

Oh.

Sweet dreams y'all!
Lakota x

Want more? See The Magic and Madness of Ebay Part 2