Catherine Zeta Jones, another baby, Disney jewellery and other shit I don't want for Mothers' Day

Hey. It's Mothering Sunday here in the UK. I wrote this yesterday, cos right now I'm probably busy drinking a cup of coffee in bed and admiring my cards - no doubt glitter, pritt-stick and felt-tip heavy. There might even be some over-buttered toast and a macaroni necklace. It will be lovely.

I'm pretty certain there will be none of the items I mentioned in the post title. But I do feel I have to share this website, just in case you don't like your mother/MIL. And forewarned is forearmed. It may be an idea to set parental controls on the computer now - I know my mum was happier the year I bought her a Fry's Turkish Delight with my pocket money than the time I purchased a hideous mock ivory figurine of a cartoon housewife clutching a trophy, engraved with the legend 'World's Greatest Mum'. [It was the 80s, I bought it from the corner shop. Possibly only beaten by the occasion I bought my dad a 'Male Chauvinist' pig shaped soap for Fathers' Day. I didn't know what it meant, it just occupied a vague 'male' space in my mind, along with things like cricket boxes and that weird springy chest expander thing that he kept at the back of the wardrobe.] One day your children will have spending power and the internet.

Anyway, if like me you take perverse pleasure in reading those adverts at the back of Sunday supplement magazines - send no money now, simply enjoy displaying this limited edition Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge plate, with regal gold accents - then you should be in your element when browsing The Bradford Exchange. "Forty years of innovation, artistry and design" - plus they've kindly added a 'Mothers' Day Gifts' section to their site, so it's all there for me in three convenient pages.

'FLOWER OF WALES' PATRIOTIC LADY FIGURINE

Apparently the 'flower of Wales' is Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as Eliza Doolittle, lovingly cast in 'artist's resin'. Personally my choice would be Ruth Jones dressed as Rizzo from Grease - that really would be "a marvellous display from any angle!", but until a designer of granny-beloved knick-nacks shares my vision, then I'll have to settle for CZJ.  After all, "it goes without saying that you are deeply proud of your heritage! Now you can honour your great country and commemorate its courage, beauty, proud identity and history with an exceptional first-of-a-kind treasure".

Oddly enough, they seem to have used CZJ as their model for the English Rose, Wild Irish Rose, and Flower of Scotland figurines too, but only the Welsh version is deemed a suitable Mothers Day gift. I'm off to stick a daffodil in my hair.

'MOTHER'S WISHES OF LOVE' PERSONALISED MUSIC BOX

It has swarovski crystals and faux jewels! It plays the 'heartfelt melody' of 'You are the Wind Beaneath my Wings'! It can be expertly personalised with the names of up to six loved ones! It looks like a funeral urn!

It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. Just in case you were worried that someone might ask you to prove that it really is a hideous music box? 

ULTIMATE DISNEY CLASSIC CHARM BRACELET

I would love this from one of my boys, and wear it proudly. If they'd won it for me on the pier at Brighton. If on the other hand they'd paid five instalments of £29.99 for this 'charming masterpiece' with 'lavish 24 carat gold plating', I'd think I'd failed in my duty as a mother. [£149.99. Are they serious?!]

OUR FAMILY IS A CIRCLE OF LOVE - PERSONALISED BIRTHSTONE RING

Ok, so this kind of overly sentimental design isn't to my taste. I appreciate others might like the idea though. And what mum doesn't think of her children as precious gems? Oh, except the 'free personalised birthstones' are all cubic zirconia and it still costs a hundred quid!

I'm not sure The Bradford Exchange has an exact grasp of what Mothers' Day actually entails. Why would you give your mother a bracelet engraved with 'Always my daughter, now too my friend'? Or a 'My Daughter, I love you' music box? Still, either of these would be preferable to ANOTHER BLOODY BABY. Are they insane? If you are a mother, you've had/are having these precious moments. With an actual real child. That one that destroyed your peace of mind/ability to wear crop tops forever.

OLIVIA'S GENTLE TOUCH BABY DOLL

"Few memories are as precious as the first time your baby responds to you by wrapping her tiny hand around your finger. Now this lifelike baby doll allows you to recapture this tender moment whenever you wish!"

£149.99 and they can't even throw in the two AA batteries required? Mind you, if I'd had the choice I'd probably have utilised an off-switch on my boys more than once...

I hope you all have a lovely day, whether or not you can be with your own mum. I'll leave you with my favourite royal items from The Bradford Exchange - who among us can forget the glorious day that Christine Bleakley wed Christopher Walken?

Christine Bleakley. On stilts.

£29.99

Christopher Walken, Prince of the Realm

£149.99

But be quick, there's just 95 casting days for the bride figurine - and the factory only churns out 10,000 a day!

Lakota x

Ta-dah! Tuesday - Minute Make Puddings - Banana Pancakes

Hiya, here's the third in my mini-series of ultra quick puddings you can make at the last second when you've been on the internet all day. The other really good thing about it is that it's another one of those recipes that uses up that squishy banana that's been languishing in the fruit bowl since the beginning of time. Seriously, you can even use that one with fruit flies circling it like vultures. The one that's completely black and scarcely recognisable as as a food stuff. [Yeah, it's amazing I wasn't picked up to write for the Waitrose magazine isn't it?] In the interest of full disclosure, I don't even like bananas in their regular guise - and only eat them in something. For example - milk, yeeuch. Banana, bleugh. Banana milkshake?  Lovely. Yes, I know. I'm complex. Anyway:

Ingredients (makes around 8 when using a large banana)
1 banana
1 oz sugar
2 oz plain flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 egg, beaten

Making the batter

• Mash the banana with a fork
• Add the sugar, flour and baking powder and mix together.
• Finally add the beaten egg. You'll end up with a gloopy batter.

Cooking

• Heat sufficient vegetable oil for shallow frying in a small pan, you don't need loads though.
• Drop in two dessert spoons of batter per pancake and cook for around 30 seconds - you'll see bubbles start to form around the edges.

• Test with the edge of a spatula and see if they're ready to flip over. They'll puff up a little and be browned on both sides when done. 

The one on the right wasn't quite cooked enough to flip and went splat. It doesn't really matter though, it'll still taste good.

• Drain briefly on kitchen towel and then sprinkle with sugar. Try to at least return to the table before stuffing them in your mouth.

In the unlikely event you have any left over, they're also good cold for the kids' lunchboxes.

Minutes, I'm telling you.

When I have more time and baking inclination, I usually use up squishy bananas in a banana walnut loaf, but I recently saw Alex's post with the recipe for Banana Gingerbread Loaf, which also sounds delish.

What have you been up to? Link up as usual below.

Lakota x


PS. Those of you who were flummoxed as to the whereabouts of the devil in my last post - you need to look at her shawl. The fringe forms his beard and you can see his mouth in one of the creases and an eye made of blue paisley. Admittedly it looks more like Big Ears (from Noddy) than Satan to me, but hey - that's how the story goes and who am I to question it?

Well you did ask for more pictures of me...

Happy St David's Day!

Here I am, aged around 4 (so 1981 or thereabouts), wearing my traditional Welsh costume and avoiding looking at the camera. Some things don't change. Look at the shelf groaning with booze behind me. [That hasn't changed either].

I was reminded of this picture by seeing photos on Facebook of my friend's little girl and her class, all dressed up back home and looking super cute. It was always fun, but a less practical outfit for primary school is hard to think of - those shawls impede your arms rather. The boys would generally just come in with a leek attached to them somewhere, which someone would invariably attempt to eat raw and then breathe all over you. Happy days...

Of course, had I not escaped Wales for London, I'd now look like this:

'Salem' by Sydney Curnow Vosper 

It's true. Just look at Sian and Lucy ;-)

Can you see Satan's face? If you spot it straight away you're supposed to have the Devil in you. A print of this painting was given away with Sunlight soap, and it hung in my neighbour's house when I was a child. I was always fascinated by it, although it's very dour, even without demonic influence.

Have a lovely weekend!

Lakota x

Welsh cakes recipe