Wednesday 2 March 2016

Oscars Frocks 2016 - Arachnophobia, Amputees and the Emperor's New Clothes

If you've been following this blog for a while you'll be aware that I am the living embodiment of style - somewhere between Kate Moss and Iris Apfel - and am therefore totally qualified to make judgements about other women's clothes. I read fashion blogs and magazines whilst eating quavers and wearing pyjama bottoms from BHS. When awards season rolls round I like nothing more than a good fashion police session on Facebook with my equally sarcastic chic enablers and I'm always looking for more squad members, so do let me know your thoughts.

Here is the very gorgeous Alicia Vikander, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Danish Girl, and according to several news outlets 'channelling' Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Presumably they're referring to the fact she has long brown hair and is wearing a yellow swooshy dress, not the fact that she is dating Michael Fassbender.

My first thought, aside from "bitch can act AND suits yellow, is there no justice?" was "where the hell is her other leg?'' I mean seriously, that's not photoshopped. Her right leg has disappeared. She's like the anti-Angelina. Possibly she really is the android she played in Ex-Machina and can remove body parts. As my friend Rachel remarked, anything to lose a few pounds for the cameras. Of course, putting aside the missing limb, another pressing problem is that the hem of her dress looks like my duvet cover when it comes out of the washing machine full of socks. But she has an oscar, she doesn't care.

The Leg of Doom™ 2012 Academy Awards

You know who else has an oscar? Brie Larson for Room. I absolutely love the colour of her gown and thought it looked amazing in motion.

That said, I wasn't keen on her school-girl hair (she and Alicia both look like they were expecting to do the Head Girl's talk to prospective parents at secondary school) and the sheer layer of fabric on the bodice makes me feel that an emergency trip to the optician is necessary. Last time my eyes felt this out of focus tequila was involved. 

Don't look at my chest or you'll go blind

Frida Pinto also went for blue at the Vanity Fair Oscars party. She is lovely, but the dress is less so. That evil looking belt buckle is just waiting to stab her in the abs when  she sits down. Her boyfriend is a hottie, although he seems to have left his slippers on with his tux.

Next we have Heidi Klum, who despite neither being an actor nor married to one, always gets to go to the Oscars. She is of course a very successful model, who wears weird clothes for her job and sees nothing wrong in a busman's holiday. I vaguely remember some TV programme where aspiring designers have to make an outfit out of tinfoil/100 copies of The Sun/remaindered Jedward CDs or similar, and this looks like they were given 30 yards of pale mauve tulle and one of those Chinese dressmakers that make 'designer ball gown' copies.

Left arm = Daenerys from Game of Thrones
Right arm = Margot from The Good Life

Lady Gaga has been toning down her look recently, and frankly I miss those innocent days where she'd rock up to an awards show wearing 6lbs of Serrano ham. Instead she decided to make two outfits out of ready to roll fondant icing left over from doing her Christmas cake. This one is a sort of trouser/dress combo with the worst elements of each - badly fitting round the boobs and creating camel toe. "When you're trying to keep a towel around you but need your hands. Clench the pelvic floor in as a last resort" said Lucy.

Admittedly it looked a lot better when she was standing differently but I don't get this fatwa against the bra that appears to be to be going on in Hollywood.

I guess at least she didn't wear a wedding dress and washing up gloves like she did last year.

Anyway, later on she put on a top and trousers combo that fitted far better (aside from the hem length for someone two feet taller) and accessorized with a tablecloth bustle which made her look strangely like a centaur. I just wish that if that was the look she was going for she'd gone all out, you know? The Gaga of old would have worn hoof shoes and a 3 foot unicorn horn headpiece and been all the better for it!

Born this...Neigh

And how about Emma Roberts? Floaty and sheer? Tick. Flattering cut and drape? Tick. Covered in freaking spiders?? Aargh! I saw this dress and as well as being immediately itchy I just thought of this video. If you look closely at her face it's clear she's actually frozen in terror and/or auditioning for a remake of Arachnophobia.

'Follow the spiders' said Hagrid

What does everyone make of this one worn by Liz Hernandez from Access Hollywood? [no, I don't know who she is either] I think she was right to not go Princessy with the hair and not to wear a necklace - although a stack of bangles on the other arm might have been nice - but she does look rather as though she's wearing a silhouette of Olive Oyl. Or possibly that she's been painted by Picasso.

A whole new meaning to 'side boob' 

We've had to suffer several years now of 'dresses' that are so sheer they're not actually there, presumably so celebs can show off the reults of their diet and exercise regimes and the prowess of their waxer. Why wait for a hacker to steal your nude photos when you can show the world what you look like naked by making a dress out of pantyhose and the odd sequin? (I'm looking at you Beyonce, Kim K and Rihanna, amongst others). Perhaps things weren't quite as nude as they have been, there was no actual nipple or butt cheek on display, but still plenty to make me wonder whether I maybe shouldn't have eaten 5 salted caramel Muller Rice already this week.  This year's Vanity Fair party gave us two ladies in sheer red - Gwen Stefani and Diane Kruger - plus the girl from that dreadful Blurred Lines video, Emily 'look at my tatas' Ratajowski.

Diane Kruger is generally known as a fashion risk taker. She is an ex-model and has the figure for this bordello lampshade lace and tassels affair. She looks like she's holding her breath and is going to do so all night though, which can't be comfortable, right?

Diane wished she'd said no to that kebab. In 1991

Gwen Stefani is another funky dresser and has relatively recently split with cheating husband Gavin Rossdale and started another high profile romance with Blake Shelton. Her dress gives me slight 'Ha! look what you're missing' vibes, but that's understandable. I like the flamey-leafy bottom of the dress (a bit more of this and a bit less leg would look better) but what's less forgivable is red mesh on the shoulders, which gives a 'two weeks in Benidorm with no suncream' look. Hannah and I decided that her dress was being censored by 'the red hand of modesty', which could become a feature in Heat magazine. Plus she's accessorised with a man who clearly thinks dressing up means putting on his best jeans. 

Girl on fire. Bloke nipping out to buy fags

Here's Emily Ratatatas. It's some feat of engineering keeping those Jessica Rabbit boobs up and in that 'dress'. [Does attaching a bit of sheer fabric to a bustier make it a dress? I guess so]

We all thought Olivia Munn looked gorgeous in orange and of course Cate Blanchett looks like a goddess always, although Sara was less taken with the 'pritt sticked bits' on her sea foam frock and I'm inclined to agree, although I think they work on the top half I wouldn't want them on my bum.

Looking over the photos I'm left wondering how any of them walk, as I can't see anyone's feet - or rather foot - aside from Alicia Vikander's and those dresses are super long. Anyway, I'm off to bed to order slacks from a Sunday supplement - tell me your hits and misses in the comments.

Lakota x

Edited to add this link suggested by Kezzie - a little girl who makes her own versions of the Oscar frocks out of paper. Very cute!


  1. Yet. again I've made the people on the train think I'm weird by giggling uncontrollably at your utterly at commentary!!!
    The nasty side boob one is by far my most disliked one. I liked the sea foam one although have you seen the recreation by a 6year old on instagram? It is on yahoo latest!!x

  2. Oh and that blue one actually hurt my eyes!!!!Xx

  3. Dear lakota I have answered to you on my blog. Here is all about your post.
    These women have some much help choosing wonderful gowns and most of them do not look like that much, apart from their shiny faces, white teeth and perfect nails jajaja

  4. The best dressed imo was Jenny Bevan, the British costume designer who own an award. I just loved the fact that she flicked one/two fingers up to the industry and wore what she wanted - not what she might have been 'advised' to. Good on you, lady

  5. I've just booked an optician's appointment after that blue one.

  6. Bloody funny, lovely! I just spat me tea over the napping cat. Makes a change from it coming out of my nose when I laugh. The tea;not the cat.
    Well, I have to say I don't know who many of these ladies are. I know Gags of course and I expected her to rock up in something made of spun blood and Cate who can wear a bin liner and look sleek. I do love the spider frock though. The lass in the yellow duvet looks like a fourteen year old. I'm with VK, Jenny Bevan (I do now who she is) stole the show.

  7. Great post! I want to watch the Oscars with you. My favourite comment was the Heidi Klum one! I used to love Project Runway.

  8. Didn't watch it, don't know most of this lot, and have NO idea what films they are in (or not!) But that's OK, cos I can read your review and have a chuckle without being bored by watching the whole enterprise myself!
    I like the straightforward orange dress, and don't mind the floaty ruffley blue one, but yes, you do wonder how the hell they walk in any of these creations! xxx

  9. The only thing I was interested in was whether Bridge of Spies won anything - I bloody loved that film!
    Not sure about anyone other than Lady Gaga - crap music, interesting style and Frida Pinto. That belt buckle is nasty! Liking the bloke with her, though. xxx

  10. Astute and hilarious assessment. Like others, I didn't watch the Oscars and don't know who most of these women are. I think Brie Larson's dress is pretty, but the rest are somewhere between underwhelming and hideous.

  11. Funny, funny, funny! Who are all these people and when did they get famous? Must have been when I was filling the dishwasher and putting the rubbish out. Some of them look amazing; Alicia, Bree, Cate and Olivia are my favourites. But actually I love seeing people dressed up, makes a really nice change from ripped jeans and a grey t-shirt. They walk? Are you sure? Next you'll be telling me they eat. Xx

  12. Hahaha! Gwen Stefanis man is the funniest. He really just couldn't be arsed.
    Belated welcome back! You moved to Hertfordshire and fell off the face of the earth. It's not that bad here is it? xxx

  13. Best Oscars fashion review I have read - EVER! I also miss Gaga of old - if you're going to have to dress in ridiculous clothing anyway go big or go home I say!

  14. Hi there!! Loving your refreshingly spot on and funny round ups!! Some really 'eww' dresses here! xx

  15. This had me laughing out loud at my computer. Thank you! What the utter effing feck is going on with stylists? And how are any of them still in work? I have a good excuse for looking like a guinea pig fighting to get out of a mesh bag when I go out of my front door, but I have neither the the stylist, nor the will to give up my elasticated slacks. And no matter how bad the day is, I can still manage to heave my melons into a good-fitting bra. Glad you're back. You brighten the blogosphere immensely. Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog post. Much love to you. x

  16. My favourite is the red Olivia Munn (?) one - I have such boring taste!

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