Thursday, 4 October 2012

Nicholas Deadly? Classic books reinterpreted by mobile phone!

I got a new phone recently. It's a smart, um Galaxy android, er thingy with added finger prints. Yeah, touch screen. Great. Another thing besides my children to look smeared and reproachful. Anyway, instead of using my phone like a normal blogger and getting obsessed with making my dinner look like it was cooked in 1973 - I have instead become addicted to trying to make the voice recognition software understand me.

Is this thing on?

Unlike Siri on the iPhone, this voice recognition doesn't do anything as advanced as answer questions. It's merely another way to send texts. You can type each letter, have predictive turned on, 'swoosh' with your finger over the keypad - or, simply speak your message into the microphone. What could be easier? Ha!
[My accent is apparently deemed 'posh', despite my being born and brought up in the Welsh valleys. I don't speak like the Queen or anything though, honest. Think more reader of Jackanory back in the day. But with added swearing.] To my mobile however, it appears I'm as incomprehensible as Rab C Nesbitt is to anyone outside of Glasgow.

So, check out these opening lines to classic and popular literature and see if you can guess what they are. I'll put the answers and the actual extracts at the bottom of the post.


1. "If you really want to hear about it,  miss a thing or pub tonight if I was born, I love child with like, how my pants off I dunno if I have me know what days."

Er, right. This was my first attempt. Sounds like Underworld lyrics. I decide to try again and things go completely Eddie Izzard.

"If you ever set something up for me today as well phone mobile as a child bike hedgehog"

This is not quite how I remember the much lauded coming of age novel about an American adolescent. Let's try an easier one.


2. "Nicholas deadly, of number 4 privet drive, how to say thank you. Super cala fragilis expect involved in a thing pringle mysterious, because it is the deposit"

Ok, so it got the vital identifying address. But the rest was pretty muggled. And I'm sure that's someone else's spell.

3. "University college Superman versus good fortune in London."

This does actually sound like a book precis. Just not the right one.


4. "Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again"

Whoop! Success at last. Anyway, you've hooked me with that opening line Daphne, what happened next?

"Sing me a good idea I'm leaving drive and for wireless sensor for the way back to me"

O-kaay. We'll keep your idea on file Ms DuMaurier. Thanks for coming in!


5. "Nuttin much does a hair dye - Eritrean enough in the last few months - even if I had not much is it like this."

Not a book about an African girl's struggle with her unruly locks. But hugely popular nonetheless.


How did you do? It's not just me who has these issues with technology, right? Have you got this on your phone? Have a go!

Lakota x

PS. 3 posts in one week - check me out!
[answers below]


"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it."
The Catcher in the Rye

"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense."
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
Pride and Prejudice

"Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate leading to the drive, and for a while I could not enter, for the way was barred to me."

"I'd never given much thought to how I would die -  though I'd had reason enough in the last few months - but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this."


  1. Good grief! Nope I'd never have guessed the real lines.

    Must say I don't think much of Siri etiher - hubby likes it - he likes to say stupid things and hear Siri try to answer and then he falls about laughing. They never really grow up, do they. ;)

  2. HA! I haven't dared to use siri yet, off to do it RIGHT now...

  3. Hi I'm new here!I believe in celebrating big on birthdays too!Sob I don't have a flash phone yet,but a certain person has promised me their cast off apple so waiting in the wings patiently. Great list though! Being a blogger seems to require so many gadgets! Sharon x

  4. Congratulations for your third post on a week, I'm always looking forward for your writings, I've missed the poem and the haiku, but I loved them!
    And now that I have a fb I understand better! This is brilliant, too bad that I couldn't guess them because I only read The Catcher in the rye and Pride and Prejudice but in italian!
    But I'd like to read a weekly literature column on your blog, maybe you should take some of our favourite quotes!!

  5. Who needs drugs with toys like these?! I'm flat out dealing with a laptop and iphone4 at the most basic of levels.
    P.S. sewing is way too hard for me to learn, I just buy more vintage :)

  6. LoL! Wow I've had issues with my voice recognition software but not that jumbled. Good luck with that. :-)

  7. ROFLMBO--I do not want my appliances to talk to me! i have enough trouble with the voices in my head as it is!

  8. Well, I got 'Rebecca', but then I haven't tread any of the others anyway! The same problem occurs if you try and use some of the dictatation software which is supposed to make writing your bestseller easier (only technically, it doesn't provide you with inspiration).

  9. Oh blimey - I wonder if my phone can do that and if so whether I'm too posh/common for it to cope??

    BTW the addiction to Instagram is something I have - no just my dinners though ;)

  10. I got the Harry Potter but that was it...I have a Samsung Galaxy too, but haven't tried the voice recognition on it. I have a hard enough time typing texts using the touch screen keypad. Congrats on a multi-post week; I've been a lazy sod as far as posts go.

  11. I don't know what you're talking about Lakota! I thought Siri was Tom Cruise's daughter! My phone is the cheapest, most basic Nokia you can get, I've had it for five years, and I still don't know my number! or what most of the buttons are for.

  12. Ha, haven't tried voice recognition on my iPad yet, but it seems I should give it a go for the comedy value!
    The Pride and Prejudice opener is my favourite! xx

  13. You've completely and utterly lost me there, I went off piste when you said something about androids. I'm such a Luddite. x

  14. argh, this hurts my brain! You're hilarious! xxx

  15. Staggering really! I wonder WHO the phone can understand properly? I don't even try to get along with that sort of technology - if it still worked I'd probably still use the chunky mobile Lloyds Bank gave me for nothing about twenty years ago! Thanks for your comments on my felt bits and pieces - will try to remember to link up!

  16. Laughing. So. Hard. Sounds like we've got similar phones, but I've yet to try the voice recognition out on mine. I will say that my accent even when in person get people confused....I don't think I've got one, being from the East Midlands, but often my surname gets translated as Hawk. which would be incorrect. But anyhoot, I reckon the software knew what it was doing and merely wanted to offer you material for an incredibly comical blog post.

  17. I'm a fellow Galaxy girl, but can't say I've tried this out! Pretty mad by the result, never quite caught on to the whole Instagram thing either (so uncool I know) xxx

  18. i too use galaxy android but havent tried this voice recognition thingy..hubby tried once when he wanted to use the navigation but somehow it doesnt recognize and gave weird address :p

    wishing you a lovely weekend!

    x susan

  19. Ermahgerd - these are fantastic! I don't know if I have this on my stupid frickin bastard of a phone - I've been counting down the months to the end of my stupid arse contract almost from day one, I'm afraid, as it about as useful as a child bike hedgehog. Sarah xxx

  20. "If you haven't any charity in your heart you have the worst kind of heart trouble" to cure it Help people, let's unite for one good cause, be a volunteer"save lives"!


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