Saturday, 22 September 2012


Mum at the school gates,
Do you know that your leggings
are see through? Guess not.

I don’t want to eat in your virtual café
(Your ‘about me’ says you’re 43)
Adding o’s does not make something funnier – LOOOOL!
And you can’t use apostrophe’s.
I don’t care that it rained on your washing
I don’t care what you’re having for tea
I’m beginning to think you’re a racist
And I’m not sure that Facebook’s for me.

Lakota x


  1. LOOOOL!. That's really funny as I started compiling a list of Facebook crimes this week! xx

  2. 2 joys - school gate mums and see-through leggings!

  3. Ooh, Lakota's feeling feisty! I would be terrified if that full beam sarcasm ever turned on me...
    I love a haiku and yours pierces to the heart of school gate chic. As for Facebook - well, I don't do it but I recognise the LOOOOOLLing and abuse of apostrophes and the over-inclusive detail and the dullness from some blogs. As recognisable as the pigeon-toed fashion blogger stance! And I am sure I am guilty of some of these crimes myself. But not apostrophe misplacement. Or racism. Or see-through leggings. Never that. xxxx

  4. I culled an acquaintance on FB for the following crimes
    "On the bus to work, put the kettle on"
    "On the bus home.....have missed my princess sooooooo much"

    Repeat ad nauseum. She never put anything else that wasn't about her bus journey or about her friggin princess argh!

    Lovely poetry by the way although I never could get to grips with haiku's :/

  5. Oh dear, I've always imagined that the school gate thing is a lot like school itself - the cliques, the judgement etc.

    I've also removed someone on Facebook for updating constantly and soppily about what their newborn was doing and how adorable they were - the last straw was along the lines of "Today is the worst day of my life because I have to leave my little darling and go back to work." Yuk.

    On the other hand I can quite happily read post after post and look at photo after photo of people's animals (cats especially) and it's all I can do not to descend into baby talk about how cute they are.

    Nikki x

  6. Amazingness. Who's the second one about huh? Do more

  7. Brilliant! Made my day.
    I'm so glad I don't have to do the school gates anymore, and I be it's more fierce than it used to be back then!
    I do like Facebook but I don't like constant updates on the progress of a newborn,people over twenty two telling me that they're busy getting drunk, and rubbish grammar.

  8. Very funny! I think my blog may be guilty of being a little boring at times! I do like talking about school and food and clothes but then I chose to have my blog as a place to waffle so I suppose that's ok!

  9. Hilarious! I love flouncing past the yummy mummies at the poncey school near me and feeling their eyes bore into the back of my neck!
    The thing that pees me off about Facebook? Those requests for imaginary farmyard animals by people I went to school with. We're 45 for god's sake, get a fecking life! x

  10. Clever. Very funny too.

    I often look at women in see-through leggings, and wonder if they any idea of what's on show.

    You're good at social critique - biting, but good. More? :)

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  12. Hi there!! Great stuff and bang on point too-so pleased I nvever succumbed to having facebook, tweeting and blogging is more than enough! Thanks for your lovely comment too! PS-didn't know you are in London, I'm not far,in Essex!! x

  13. I was that Mum with the see through leggings once - v. mortifying !!
    Twiggy x

    PS You do make me laugh

  14. Me & FB are only friends because I've broken my phone. Again!

    Thanks for the burger recipe, it sounds yum, I'll be giving it a go soon :)

  15. looooooooool! I feckin hate the term lol, mostly because when I first came across it many years ago it was my (cheating butthead) boyfiend messaging me along with his female friend who he was staying with and I asked what 'lol' meant and he messaged back "laugh out loud" I thought he and his bit of fluff were mocking me! Only later did I twig that that's what it stood for! doh :( oh I witnessed so many crimes of fashion I yesterday when I went into Plymouth (a rare treat indeed). very short leopard skin print baggy shorts and a jumper?? with stylish holes in..? really?


  17. Lovely blog.

  18. I will have to admit I have never really got the point of Facebook. I can't get my head around why people want to share their life with people they don't know(a bit like I do on my blog!). Strangely I do quite like Twitter though.

  19. Thank you for brightening up the rainy day! The haiku especially tickled me - they should make it against the law to make leggings from anything that allows the cellulite to show through...ughhhh! (Extra aitches to let you know my disgust - bit like the oes though!)

  20. Can you please start a separate blog for your poetry? The blogosphere needs it like I need mental health coverage. please. Eff Fakebook. I can't stand that place, although it would be good for business.

  21. Hahahahaha! Yes, the oh-no-you're-actually-a-racist Facebook 'friend' is always an awkward one. I tend to unfriend if someone's well dodgy.

  22. I find myself saying in my head a lot lately "leggings... not for everybody." It seems that whenever I'm oot of the hoose some poor woman who only has comedy carnival mirrors in her home is donning see-through leggings and showing me her butt-ocks crammed into said leggings like ferrets fighting in a sack. I also spend a lot of time looking to the sky and crying "Why? Why?". Not that I'm judgemental or anything...

  23. I'm with Clare - MORE PLEASE! MOOOOOOORE! Because if I put more OOOOs in IT IS FUNNIER!!!

    You are a Rockstar Poet.

    Sarah xxx

  24. Loving the poetry, it has the whiff of the Pam Ayres about it (love her, did you know she's on Twitter?!). x

  25. Hehehe! Surely those see through leggings should be worn as footless tights, I'm convinced some mean fashion expert has put them in the wrong section of the shops to lure the unwitting in to flashing there bums, there was a young woman on the bus a few days ago and you could actually see what colour pants she was wearing, through them, I could't stop staring so I can only imagine what the lads were making of it all!
    Your Poetry is fabulous, as is your blog. Its a tonic to a dull work day morning,(oh yeah...I'm supposed to be working..oops) and it will take more than a jacket full of penises to scare me off! xx

  26. I have no experience with school yard gates, but, unfortunately, am quite familiar with the annoyances on Facebook and you've hit the nail on the head. Right after the baby pics, I dislike seeing couples' love note posts. Facebook is good for keeping up with the latest cat videos, though.


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