Happy New Year, Blwyddyn Newydd Dda, Selamat Tahun Baru and all that jazz. Hope you all had a great Christmas and new year break - I've pretty much been offline for 10 days and somehow managed without Facebook, Twitter, blogging and knowing all the ins and outs of the Katy Perry / Russell Brand divorce. In fact, once the palpitations and tremors subsided, the hiatus from the keyboard was surprisingly refreshing. I almost considered resolving to cut down on my screen time. [Reading the entire Hunger Games trilogy over the weekend on my kindle doesn't count]
And then I thought...naah. January? The time of abstinence? It's bad enough that I'm not drinking and that stepping outside the front door requires wardrobe choices last made by Bruce Parry when he lived with the Inuit. My laptop gives me a connection to the wider world and warms my legs. It's win-win. Once this hellish month is over I will be able to properly address goals for the year. Such as the fact that I do not have a 'signature beauty look' and still poke myself in the eye on the rare occasions I attempt to apply mascara. Also, that my clothes have mysteriously shrunk and the scales are not my friend. [We're at that stage in the fallout where we studiously ignore each other in the playground but are still acutely conscious of the other's whereabouts.] Oh, and debating the relative merits of 'cellulite' vs 'drinking more water'. Is it so bad to prefer water as nature intended it? With aspartame and caramel colouring and chemicals? And labelled Diet Coke? These are issues all better addressed when January is over. Sometime around mid May perhaps.
However, there are still foolish souls out there who insist on making life difficult for themselves. And yes, they're pinning away on Pinterest making the rest of us feel bad too. A quick browse of the boards reveals an awful lot of pins related to health and fitness. This is nothing new, there are any number of fitness freaks who do nothing but pin humourless motivational stuff, but it's definitely more prevalent at this time of year.
OK, but your boobs shouldn't be on a level with your shoulders either...
Yeah yeah, and someone fatter is eating
Sir! Yes Sir! [Although I'm pretty sure it's a stitch]
You can tell who the serious ones are - in addition to 'Fitspiration' pictures they also have boards called things like 'Inspirational Women' and 'Vegan Life'. The fly-by-nights have another board called 'Noms' devoted to a gazillion pictures of peanut butter and/or melted cheese related edibles.
How to get skinny: Eat fewer of these
I love that the fact that the pinner of the above has a lonesome 'Health and Fitness' board in amongst the following:
Butters, sauces and more
Desserts 2 Die 4
Cupcakes and wrappers
Breads, Muffins and rolls
Puddings and Custards
Smack me with a SNACK
Life is like a box of chocolates
I'll drink to that
Is anyone else sensing the problem?
The same lady has a 'Bucket List' board of resolutions - formerly 'things to do before you die', though the annoying new phrase has become prevalent since the film of the same name. Her lists are more specific to particular seasons - eg. A Fall Bucket list with 'press leaves' [Woo, aim high before you shuffle off this mortal coil] but the idea got me searching for other people's resolutions. They've been popular for a while on blogs in the guise of '30 before 30' style posts, and are now taking over Pinterest too. I'm working on one myself, but am not sure it's ever going to meet the dizzy heights of the bucket list I'm about to share. I should point out that while an anthropomorphised giant rodent features heavily, this is an adult's list of goals, not that of a 5 year old girl:
It's a toss up between her and Selena Gomez apparently
Yeah, screw you Minnie
It's my guess that this is how you spend EVERY day, but it's always good
to have one thing on the to-do list you can tick off straight away
Oh dear God. No. Just no.
Hi, welcome to the Disney Store. Can I interest you in lining our pockets?
Gosh, however will you fit all this into one
trip to Florida lifetime? What with taxing resolutions such as 'Own a pair of Ugg Boots' as well? If it wasn't for the fact that 'Have a Daughter' has already been ticked off, I would be convinced that she was reception age, as she has also tasked herself with 'Getting an ice-cream from the ice-cream Truck'. I'm pretty sure it's now frowned on to 'Ride a Dolphin' - unless this is an uncharacteristically adult American football team reference:
Giddy up Flipper! Let's go visit Ariel and Nemo
but she would 'die happy' if she achieves just one final thing of all the goals on her list. Having a book published and seeing the Northern lights are pretty mundane I guess. Maybe I should go for flightless bird fondling too. Yes, her main aim to achieve in life is to 'Hug a Penguin'. Was Happy Feet actually a documentary?
Get reconstructive surgery post facial pecking incident
But back to New Year resolutions. It's easy to make a list of of things you're going to achieve with three score years and ten ahead of you - but goals for the year ahead need specific focus. I searched '2012' and came up a number of rather alarming tattoo suggestions - if you're still undecided pinners, I'd vote no - and several boards with inspiring ideas for the year ahead. My favourite board was this one, simply titled 2012 and with just the two pins:
Yeah, a new hobby could be good...
...it might keep you out of prison
Good luck with the year klepto trapeze girl!
PS. If you need more stuff I've dredged up from the internet / the recesses of my mind, you could always check my Facebook page.
Hilarious!! As always. I have to say, I am partial to the odd pin or two on pinterest, but like you, can't stand fitness pins, and wish they'd bore-off. If people that pinned fitness mottos and images were really that into keeping their bodies fit, they'd be off the computer and in the gym. ;)ReplyDelete
oh dear, I haven't heard of pintrest. Looks like I better stay away. One thing guarrenteed to make me avoid doing anything is motivational/guilt trip jpegs/websites. Surely we ought to set up a new vintage/thrifty inspired work out regime? Elbowing old ladies out of the way at Jumble sales has to work off a few hundred calories? Walking to and from a tearoom (eating cake in between) counts I'm sure!ReplyDelete
muahahaha, your posts never fail to make me chortle at my desk! i must admit pintrest is something i have steered well clear of, as i don't need any more things to serve as a distraction and i hear it's a great way to while away a ridiculous amount of time :)ReplyDelete
i have made some resolutions, although whether i will get around to blogging them or not i'm not sure, but they are manageable ones..i've never really thought about a 'bucket list' though.
OMG, I'm seriously out of touch. I mean the Perry/Brand divorce - I'm devastated. Not. Bucket lists? Hugging a penguin? What is the world coming to? You're scaring me again, Lakota. You know how traumatised I was about your burlap post. Can we have more cosy posts about your cs buys. I like those.ReplyDelete
Glad you're back, missus. HNY! xxxx
oh this has cheered my dull January blue mood right up :)ReplyDelete
Why pin pics of fitness.....does one get thin just by looking at them. i prefer to look at stuff to make me drool. Baking and eye candy ;)
This made my day! So funny. Especially the last one, very true for me. I don't do moving fast.ReplyDelete
I got told off for swearing at my exercise class instructor when he told us to jog. He was clearly over sensitive.
My girls are mad for The Hunger Games (got the trilogy for Christmas and have both read it already) and I'm mad for posts like this. Thanks Lakota xReplyDelete
Chortle! Snort! Loved this!ReplyDelete
Hahaha this is quite funny! I found one inspirational image from pinterest which I have saved to my desktop, the one that goes - It takes 4 weeks for you to see your body changing. it takes 8 weeks for friends and family and it takes 12 weeks for the rest of the world.. KEEP GOING. I'm not sure how the rest of the world is going to see me but I do like the first 2 statements.ReplyDelete
I have heard quite a few people mentioning the hunger games.. I have no idea what it is. I feel I'm being left out of the loop on something, maybe I'm just living under a rock.
The northern lights IS something I'd like to see before I croak! xxx
LOL! You're mad but not as mad as the woman you're stalking on Pinterest.ReplyDelete
Mwuahahaha!! it's what I needed to start 2012!! you're one crazy lady and I love you! hahahaha you do find the craziest and hillarious things, Lakota! and OH!! Selamat Tahun Baru to you too hehe, my resolution is always the same as last years and still failing to tick the box off as i'm still trying or..NOT! God Saves me from Disney! but the pics about Today I will get shit done makes me laugh so hard! xx susanReplyDelete
Great post - made me laugh too!ReplyDelete
my work colleagues are all looking at me very strangely... I may have nearly fell off my chair laughing!ReplyDelete
You should do stand up - we need more funny women 'out there'
Happy New Year and thank you for yet another enteratining post.
P.S. I hope to never meet this woman. Too scary to imagine. :)
Awesomely hilarious, as always.ReplyDelete
This is my Bucket List:
1 Never hear any of these words ever again:
Your dedication to searching out this stuff so we don't have to is inspiring, Lakota!ReplyDelete
Ride a dolphin, hehehe, naughty girl!
Happy New Year to you, glad to have you back, and on top form too! xxxxx
Fab post as always your humour and light hearted fun never fails to entertain me! Welcome back :)I'm stuck on resolutions, I hate to make a trillion unrealistic ones when really it’s more important to concentrate on the smaller, more achievable ones that will actually make a difference xxxReplyDelete
Brilliant, as usual, Your tongue is as sharp and funny as ever.ReplyDelete
Have to hunt down the Hunger Games now - it's cropping up more and more in the blogosphere. But I'm a bit wary of it - dunno why. Maybe because it's out of my comfort zone?
New Year's resolutons, shmezolutions! Happy New Year btw. That 'woman' should resolve to grow the hell up! xReplyDelete
Your funny and I think a sense of humor is the most important thing in life, next to fitness, fake boobs and UGGS :) both of which I have :)))) I too have breezed through the Hunger Games and am on the last book right now. I am a bit of a fitness freak, blame it on growing up in California, land of the shallow and fake, but I think it has served me well.ReplyDelete
I hope 2012 is well fun!
Fab! Pinterest is a place of endless chortles.ReplyDelete
Funnily enough, taking a trapeze lesson is top of my list of things to enhance my life in 2012....xxxx
Ummm quite glad I've managed to avoid Pinterest - especially for the sugary sweet bucket lists and NY twaddle!! or and the burlap ;)ReplyDelete
Welcome back! Very funny and well-written as usual Lakota. I think I’d better avoid Pinterest though.ReplyDelete
Oh I've MISSED Mocking Lakota!!!! SO funny!ReplyDelete
Happy New Year dearie. Are you seriously not already planning how to achieve that '2012 body' I've seen pinned everywhere!? (vomits)ReplyDelete
Klepto trapeze girl sounds like she'd be a hoot on a night out!
you are funny.xReplyDelete
i find those 'someone who is busier than you is running right now' rather odd... i just get confused by them and definitely don't want to go running.
Oh Lakota I could hug you. I love your posts.ReplyDelete
I would rethink the trapeze thing if I were her. I did a two hour class once (it wasn't on a list...I'm just weird like that) and I was in pain for a whole week. My muscles (muscles I didn't even know existed) were in shock from being used. It was a fun experience, but the pain prevents me from taking another class.
Hilarious. I have never even been on Pinterest but the gooey food sounds much more my cup of tea than the fitness stuff! Surely no one actually wants to go to Disney world never mind for Christmas and riding a Dolphin, well what can I say...ReplyDelete
H ha ha, starting the year off as you mean to go on I hope, this one is a corker! What's the point of pin-ing 'inspirational'quotes? Maybe they read them as they run on their fancy phone? Maybe they watch disney movies as they run too? The only thing that males me want to run is adult disney freaks. Away.ReplyDelete
Hi my dear!! Happy new year to you, fabulous post and all, but I'm not into pin-interest, just as well there is something for everyone on the world wide web huh, lol!! xxxxReplyDelete
Happy New Year!ReplyDelete
I have nothing to say, I despise such things. Disney makes me want to vomit and anyone who thinks it's acceptable to fondle a wild creature deserves to be looked up with Russell Brand & Katy Perry for the rest of their lives.
I still have not ventured into Pinterest territory. I feel it's much safer that way!ReplyDelete
I love you for this post. LOVE.ReplyDelete
I am afraid of Pinterest. I already waste enough time, I don't need help doing it more... and I sure don't need other people flaunting their creativity and fitness in my face. So thank you for your diligent scanning of the place and sharing to affirm my opinion that I must stay away.ReplyDelete
Holy Shit! I read your post with a sense of dread thinking 'Have I got a board called that?', phew you missed mine! Anyway i have no time to chat, I am off to pin my perfect future! lol!ReplyDelete
Hahaayyy!! You funny loca!ReplyDelete
I agree no dolphin fondleing and Disney crazyness.
Oh my god, this is hilarious! Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if you try and hug a penguin, your previous resolution should have been to make sure you have good insurance coverage.ReplyDelete
The final pic has to be the winner!!!! Running + leaky bladder = Desiree is a public nuisance. xxReplyDelete
Haa haa haa!!! "If you see me running - call the police!" HAAA HAA HAAAAA!!!ReplyDelete
Oh my, this ish is hilarious! And I thought I was a freak. Wow, the Disney ones. Soooo funny.ReplyDelete
Very informative post, You have well explained. It helped me to gain a better understanding of the whole process in detail. This Blog is interesting and please checkout for more information Netsuite Implementation Services.ReplyDelete