Sunday 27 May 2012

Red, White and...BLUE the hell thought THAT was a good idea?! The Magic and Madness of eBay part 6 - Jubilee Special!

God save our gracious Queen
God save our noble Queen
 Bids be victorious
eBay is glorious
Long to reign over us


According to children asked by ITV, our glorious monarch is married to King Charles II, favours bulldogs as her canine companions and can count Simon Cowell as part of the Royal family. But who can blame them, given their upbringing? Did you know that 9 out of 10 children in the Home Counties believe Cath Kidston invented bunting? It's sobering to realise that this could be the first time many infants have ever seen flags which aren't covered in dusky pink polka dots or spray roses on a duck-egg background. It's our patriotic DUTY to reclaim bunting for our Queen, and trawl eBay for stuff to show we appreciate how bum-numbing 60 years on the throne must have been. Gawd Bless you Ma'am - and welcome to The Magic and Madness of eBay Part 6 - Jubilee Special!


Despite the fact that you haven't even been able to post a letter since 1952 without seeing the Queen's face, it appears that there are still loyal subjects out there who seem unsure what she looks like. [Hint: it's not any of these]

Drag Queen
Guess she sorts out the 5 o'clock shadow before TV appearances

Now, what should one put on one's Jubilee cake?

Aah yes, four candles!

Dot Cotton had always suspected Willy had a taste for human blood
Hand drawn commemorative souvenir portrait - proceeds to Cystic Fibrosis Trust

It's quite something when the most lifelike representation of her I could find looked like it should be standing next to Eric Cartman:

One's going down to South Park, going to have oneself a time...

Check out the seller's Anne Boleyn too - perfect for fans of Henry VIII!

[I do genuinely love this - a first in my eBay posts!]

Ah yes, the crafters. They're out in force at times like these - refugees from RegrEtsy ensuring that the makers of red, white and blue acrylic never go out of business. Now that's the great British spirit. Let's see what's on offer shall we?

Zut alors! Ze knitted 'edgehog. It personifies les Anglais, n'est-ce pas?
As the seller says - "Something different for the celebrations"

The Duchess of Cambridge delighted onlookers with her homage to 'My Fair Lady'
"A little doll with a big surprise!" says the seller
[Asda value toilet paper not included]

The same seller supplies these beanie hats -  if you've got Jubilee fatigue already, wear one and be safe in the knowledge that you'll neither see nor hear anything of the celebrations, whilst still providing a little patriotic flair.

Do be careful about the cakes you pick up at the street party though, especially if your neighbours read Mollie Makes. You'd think the seller had done this on purpose, but I fear her baked goods have been photographed in all innocence. 

 Prince Philip couldn't wait to get his hands on my teatime treats, claimed Kirstie Allsopp

Ebay is positively overrun with corgis in union jack coats. Sadly, Monty has yet to find a family:

 Perhaps because he looks like a mutant seal with a saddle. 

Speaking of family pets, wouldn't it be an absolute travesty if they were left out of the fun? I mean, the Queen loves her dogs, and the rest of the Royals are animal lovers too. Ok, they especially love donning ridiculous clothes and shooting at them, but still. The love is there. I think you can tell from the following pictures that Liz's animal subjects are just as excited about the upcoming festivities as the rest of us:

And so Sir Walter went dejectedly to the Tower...

Send in the clowns...

I think they've earned their Jubilee Dog Treats made by Mrs Nibbles, don't you? Every bag is also 'suitable for human consumption', and is the 'perfect gift for patriotic dogs'

"I've not been up to London to visit the Queen, I'm a fucking REPUBLICAN"

"The ultimate cat collar chic for Jubilee celebrations. This is a high fashion accessory and best not worn for prolonged outside activities".

What, like being a cat?

Sadly, there was no attire suitable for my guinea-pig, but fear not - I can buy him a paper bag full of clippings from the lawn mower Guinea pig Jubilee Fun Bag! Only £2.50 and free delivery!

"Treat your piggy to a Jubilee fun bag filled with 100 % natural dried meadow, herbs, parsley stalks and dandelions. I can fill them as a mix or with your piggies herby favourite".

Guinea pig not included


Now, I know what you're thinking - these animal accessories are all very well, but what if I have a human being I want to treat to a Jubilee gift? Never fret pet - there's plenty of classy bits and pieces to choose from:

Long to rain over us....

Keep your crown jewels toasty

Hope you enjoyed that little run through the best that eBay has to offer - out-takes will be up on my Facebook page. Enjoy the celebrations - and try not to over-indulge. But if you do drink too much from the inflatable beer mug cooler - there's always the Diamond Jubilee Sick Bag!

And the prize for the least appropriate Cath Kidston backdrop goes to...

Lakota x

PS. See the rest of my eBay posts here


  1. I simply have no words. Charles II, really? Hee, that's quite a picture!

  2. I LOVE the felt Anne Boleyn, does she make all 6 wives I wonder?

    As usual a wonderful belly laugh at the madness of eBay :)
    Lakota I salute you :)

  3. Oh dear. Some fairly frightening listings; though I'm quite keen on the deformed seal with saddle! ;-)

    Jem xXx

  4. I need that kate look roll holder! I love it all, even the guinea pig bags, boyfriend won't let me buy the willy warmer

  5. Bagsy the skunk in a Union Jack bag masquerading as a hamster treat.
    Excellent post Lakota, why aren't you being paid to write?

  6. O>M>G. Pass me the jubilee sick bag! The head brolly is most appropriate, may invest.

  7. Oh my there are some classics here!

  8. Waaaaaaaah I wanna dunny dolly!!!!!! When does Lakota the Musical start rehearsing coz I want to be a part of the utterly glorious magic of the mad, mad world that is your wonderfully wicked wit!!!!! You never fail to bring me out in a coughing fit, peeing my pants and waking up the household at an inappropriate hour with my screeches of delight at your precious eBay posts and you have absolutely excelled yourself with your Queenie finds!!!! xxxxxx

  9. All I can say is wow - someone really is trying to sell grass clippings for guinea pigs? Serious? Also the willie warmer is pretty spectacular.

  10. OMFG is all I can say. Hilarious once again.

  11. What? You don't have a patriotic pup? That cat collar would have been perfect for my mom's old cat. She's dead now but I could have sped up the process with it, less obvious than bleach in her water. I hope you are purchasing that guinea pig food or else I take back everything I ever said about you being a good mummy.

  12. Some of those items do look rather similar to my efforts at a handmade item for the swap. Oh dear. Off to attach my royal vajazzle right now.

  13. I love this made my morning! I must admit I do find the little knitted corgi quite cute..but I think I may skip out on buying the hubby the 'willy warmer' :P (sorry dear!).
    Thanks for sharing, I am now ready for the Jubilee Celebrations..bring them on :)
    Magie x

  14. Brilliant - here's hoping none of that ends up in the swap parcels ;)

  15. Ha ha har! A claasic ofvthe "as seen on ebay..." genre. People will really try to sell anything wont they. My husband has a fiend who supplies dandelion seeds to asian pet shops so people can 'grow your own' hamster food. Seriosly, he makes heaps of money from it!
    Must put the red, white and blue wolly hedgehog on my to do list x

  16. I do like that dolly toilet roll topper Lakota, but I'm quite fond of those because my Nan always had one in her loo.


  17. I like the sick bags. That pretty much sums it up for me! I could not give a monkeys about the jubilee. I'm completely indifferent about the monarchy I'm afraid. The willie warmer is novel but probably not very useful given the current heatwave, ooh imagine the chaffing! The queen is even making an aappearance in Peppa Pig - what's the world coming to?! :)

  18. Love it! You can always count of eBay!
    Victoria xx

  19. Madness indeed! Seems red, white and blue is being trauled out everywhere! Union Jack bunting all the way for us! As to the bakewell tarts, they look more like a pair of breasts to me!!! :o)

  20. Thank you so much for trawling Ebay and coming up with this patriotic selection (so that we do't have to). Your wonderful witty commentary had me spluttering with mirth :)

  21. oh the knitted mutant corgi seal is defo the one for me. You are too much! Some would say you have too much time on yer hands, i'm in the 'time well spent' camp. Nice one.

  22. ok, I really want the Anne Boleyn and the ugly toilet roll doll. Mr D would freak out if he found that in the loo, it would be awesome!

  23. "Treat your piggy to a Jubilee fun bag filled with 100 % natural dried meadow, herbs, parsley stalks and dandelions......"

    haha...sounds like someone's been trespassing in my garden.

    It's hilarious - all of it.

    Must say I do like the pomp and pageantry of the monarchy - great to watch them all prancing about doing their thing.

  24. Having a hard time leaving a comment so hope this come through because I have to tell you how much I laughed at this post. Oh dearie me! If the queen actually looked like some of these renderings I'd think the royal beautician would be tried for treason!

  25. Oh. My. Goodness. These are awful - and very funny!

  26. So funny. That Queen picture is a bit freaky. I definitely want the umbrella hat. Still laughing about the willy warmer.....

  27. Hilarious but my God they do come up with some trash to flog us don't they? YOu should add this to the Brit Mums LOL Round up ;) #justsayin

  28. OMG how I love those frickin FABULOUS FELT South Park-esque characters! And the loo paper doll would look perfect in my bathroom... and oh man, I feel so sad for those poor miserable dogs! And you have to admire the enterprise of someone who will sell your their LAWN CLIPPINGS! Fabulous, laugh out loud, awesomeness, as always. Sarah xxx

  29. The toilet paper doll is freaky. I remember seeing non-patriotic versions of her in the 1970's. Not so classy.
    The fervor is reaching fever pitch. Not I know what to do with my union jack bow tie....

  30. Oh perfect....I knew we could rely on you! I'm considering the cat collar though I do value my cat is indeed a Republican and a bad tempered one at that. Nothing says Diamond Jubilee like a willy warmer.xxxxx

  31. I knew you'd come up with hilarious stuff! That mutant seal/corgi cracked me up and the expression on both the cat and that dog with the bandana is just priceless.
    I'm imagining a fantastic pimped up bikini featuring the knitted cakes! x

  32. Oh God, the Jubilee bakewell tarts! What the........

    Liking the loo paper doll though. I'm very partial to those loo roll cosies.

    Thanks for sharing. Xx

  33. Knitted Jubilee boobs! Just what I always wanted! To match my patriotically vajazzled lady area, natch.
    What a fabulous round up of Ebay wonder. I'm with you, the Anne Boleyn is actually genius. My cats agree that it is part of the feline DNA to be Republican. Red, white and blue are SO not their colours.
    Thanks Lakota, your Ebay post are legendary! xxxxx

  34. Do you know what i am proud to be British with our lovely history and pomp and ceremoy etc but sometimes i just hate the tat and the rubbish that comes out with it but it does make you chuckle ;-)) dee x

  35. I actually want to cry, I am laughing so much! And my throat is now sore from the laughter! Hilarious!!!!!! (I can't believe how much jubilee tat there is around without even these offerings! Bad!)
    Oh and the patriotic cat collar is surely just tinsel which is luckily union flag coloured surely! How much were they charging for that?!

  36. Wow it is exploding Jubilee!! some of those things had me cracking up ....Happy Jubilee xx Heather

  37. Oh my LORD I hadn't lived until I seen your post! *hehehe*
    I will take the inflatible mug cooler. But I will not fill it with anything... I will just walk around town with it as if it were a regular mug and I was a normal person.

  38. Cath Kidston has a lot to answer for!

    I too heart the Anne Boleyn headless felt creation *wink*

  39. Lakota,
    You never fail to make us crack up with Ebay JUbilee crap stuff.
    I quite like the dolly toilet roll cosey. Oh those poor pets, the horror.
    Did you see the Jubilee g-string for men?
    Oh that willy warmer is priceless. Apparently Buddy's granpa was a proud owner of a leather
    willy warmer.
    I also love the southpark queen puppet and chi chis tarts.
    And the Anne Boleyn headless mona is hilarious!

  40. You always find the maddest, baddest stuff Lakota! Love this selection of weird and wonderful! I found myself nearly purchasing a pair of union jack sunglasses on eBay the other night- no I don’t know what came over me either! Luckily I had sense to close the window xxx

  41. Brilliant! As ever, you find the best stuff, and make the best sarky comments!
    Who knew the crown jewels were for vajazzling?


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