Friday, 10 February 2012

Mops, Poo and Grandma too - The Magic and Madness of eBay Part 5, Valentines Special!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I bought your gift on eBay
cos I don't think much of you.

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At last it's nearly Valentine's day, a little oasis of fuzz filled romance slap bang in the centre of the mercifully short month of February. As we all know, the traditional way to commemorate the horrible martyrdom of a long dead Roman priest is to don flammable looking nylon knickers and exchange gifts which appear to have been purchased at a motorway service station. [cheap chocolate, personalised teddy bears, fragrance free roses, Celine Dion CDs]. 

Oh and 50 litres of unleaded. Pump 3

What's that? You expected more from me? I'm sorry, of course you know where to get this stuff. Generic hearts and flowers crap is available on every high street from the second the last cut-price selection box is taken off the shelves. Your true love deserves that little bit extra, don't you think? That thought that says "You complete me, and I've found the perfect gift to express our unity".  No magic in this post, but plenty of madness - welcome to an eBay Valentine's Special!

Assuming you've decided against the traditional items above, there are a few simple rules to follow when purchasing a Valentine's gift on eBay. Those sellers can be crafty.

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Rule no 1 - Seasonal appropriateness


Even if his eyes do light up at the very mention of stockings, this was probably not quite what he had in mind. This seller clearly had some makes left over from the festive season and seems to think we'll be fooled by calling it a "Valentine Love Heart Sock with hanging loop". Whether you put a 'love note or small gift' inside it or not, the fact remains that this is a Christmas decoration - and a nasty acrylic one at that.

Falalala... February

And who amongst us wouldn't be thrilled by a 'ladies designer handbag' chosen by our man? So far so good, except here's the picture:

LV or BHS?

Oh yes, it was chosen by someone else's now ex-boyfriend for Christmas, and whilst she apparently has the receipt to know it cost £225, she's not entirely sure of the colour. It's 'either black or brown'. Mystery presents are weirdly popular on eBay, but if I'm spending that much on a handbag, I'd really like to see more than the original buyer's taste in giftwrap. It's ok though, cos she's 'donating the money to charity'. I guess she didn't think of unwrapping it and returning it to the shop (or indeed the boyfriend), since she has the receipt and all.

Yup, if you're selling an unwanted Christmas gift on eBay, we need to see what it is. But sometimes not to imagine where it's been.  If it's new - WHY DOES IT HAVE NO TAGS?


NEW UNWANTED XMAS PRESENT MEN'S ONE SIZE
 HUNG LIKE A DONKEY G STRING
THIS WOULD MAKE A GREAT VALENTINES DAY PRESENT

We all know where that elastic's been, even if it was just the once. A second hand novelty g-string does not a great valentines present make.

Thankfully these knickers are new. And somebody's going to be thrilled come Halloween Valentines Day. Could it be you?


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Rule no 2 - Not all hearts are created equal

As a general rule of thumb, French is good when it comes to romance. A stroll down the Champs Elysees, Parisian lingerie, champagne, meals cooked by Michel Roux Jnr - all acceptable and to be encouraged. You may find however, that something designed to clean the kitchen floor of Michel Roux Jnr goes down less well. 


AN IDEAL VALENTINES PRESENT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE. A LOVING FRENCH HEART SHAPED MOP. I AM SURE IT HAS NEVER BEEN USED, YOU COULD BE THE FIRST TO TRY IT. LOVE AND HYGIENE IN ONE PRESENT.

The first to try a mop? Be still my beating heart! The seller rather unwisely invites you to let him know 'if there are any problems with your present'. I predict a sudden influx of correspondence relating to the difficulty the A&E doctors had in removing it.

Ok, so maybe that heart wasn't quite right. But who doesn't love a quirky expression of adoration? So here it is, a potato crisp - flavour unspecified - with a vaguely heart-shaped hole in it. Starting bid only 99p. Oh, and postage and packing - £4.00! That's a lot of bubble wrap. I think I'll stick to the traditional method of showing love through the medium of food - demanding the last rolo. Or writing 'BOOBS' in his alphabetti spaghetti.

No really, you shouldn't have.

As the old saying goes "if the present doesn't dazzle, don't expect me to vajazzle". Well, it's probably a saying somewhere. Or should be.


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Rule no 3 - Remember your Audience

Valentines Day is about the expression of romantic love. Even if the object of your affection is a Grandma, I'm looking at you Wayne Rooney this is not the day to celebrate that fact. Think designer bag, not old bag. 

Apparently it's also 'in need of a clean''. Lovely.


Insert joke about sucking eggs here

Speaking of things that suck, I must strongly advise caution when believing the seller who claims this book makes an ideal Valentine gift. Applying the secrets within for your man, certainly; being presented with the book itself - not so good.  

Happy Valentines Day darling. 
Did I mention you're crap in bed?

And on we go to the next Valentines 'don't'. Crap. There really is no reason to be in a relationship with anyone who might be pleased to add to their collection of anthropomorphic turd ornaments. Especially one called 'Rimbo' who fought against 'Saddam Asspain'. Leave now, a lifetime alone is preferable.


That said, I know some of you ladies love your kitsch. You might collect whimsical stuff which you liked as a child - I've seen blog posts waxing lyrical about everything from Care Bears to Cabbage Patch Kids. That's fine. You want to share your bedroom with the cast of Chucky, that's your look out. But surely we'd all look askance if presented with either of these by our beloved  - they look like 'before' pictures from Redwings Horse Sanctuary: 



Donate just £5 a month, and help us save more like Pinky from heartless abuse...

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Rule no 4 - Presentation is key

Whatever you buy, remember that first impressions count. The simple addition of a bow can elevate your gift from 'meh' to 'YEAH!'

The seller suggests using it as a vessel to 'deliver an engagement ring across a pond' (with the wise proviso  'if you are quick') and points out that it can also be "hamster bedding, or if ironed, can be used as a bookmark". Genius.

Also genius is the addition of a cellophane bag. That way, you can package up any unwanted bits and pieces you have lying around and charge a tenner by re-branding it as a 'Valentine Pamper Bag for Her'. Why, I just have to look at those make-up sponges photographed on a grimy carpet and I feel all my stresses melting away. Who knows how I'll feel when I receive my discontinued lipgloss and shower scrubber!

Mmm, kleenex

None of my suggestions float your boat? There's always the time honoured gift of yourself - carefully packaged of course.



Just don't rely on Royal Mail.

Love you long time!
Lakota x

Need more Valentines gift suggestions? Out-takes from this post are up on my Facebook Page. I'm not sure if it gets better or worse!

Linked up to: Valentines Party

47 comments:

  1. In the name of all that is good and great, where do you find this stuff? I am howling (in a good way) laughing. That naughty knot looks like it's gonna chafe. I have no other words. Em x

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  2. I was short of ideas for my beloved...but no more!
    Thanks for the fabulous round-up of all the best ebay has on offer!
    x

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  3. God Almighty, Lakota, and I thought my candy covered nipple tassles were risque (see my latest post). I've obviously led a sheltered existence.....xxxxxxx

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  4. As always, Lakota, you offer us bloggers a valuable service, trawling through Ebay for the perfect Valentine's gift so we don't have to. You ARE good to us! xxx

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  5. mwuahahahahaha i'm laughing my arse off here!! i just got to show this post to my hubby!!! LAKOTA YOU ROCK! oh my goodness! i cant stop laughing reading this especially about that little ponies and the crisp with expensive P&P! here i thought celebrating our valentine with a £10 meal for two from sainsburys is sad enough! hahahaha

    xx susan

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  6. Great post, just love the heart mop, have a great weekend sweetie :)

    Bee happy x
    Have a delicious day!

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  7. This was exactly what I needed Lakota you just made me smile BIG and why I don't know how my va jay jay has gone on all these years without being blinged out.

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  8. Hahahhahahahahahaha!!! Brilliant. They'd go down a treat with those smashing Asda 7p Valentines cards, wouldn't they? xxx

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  9. Oh this made me laugh, what a brilliant post and so so true. Happy Valentines :)

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  10. Just ummmmmm lovely - not!

    Love the out-take pics on FB too.

    Thank goodness we don't do lovely dovey Valentines here - I've just told him he's treated me to a couple of CDs!!

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  11. Ha! I heart you! But in a more sincere way than eBay would ever know how to express. p.s. That paper boat makes me giggle.

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  12. hahaha - thanks for the belly laughs (and for all the valentines gift ideas). I hope im lucky enough to win the auction for that crisp ;o) Scarlett x

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  13. ive been searching for the Asda 7p Valentine card but theyve sold out....lol..its what OH deserves...he he

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  14. Brilliant! But seriously, who buys this stuff?! Or do they just list for a laugh?!

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  15. OMG im laughing so much i don't know what to say ;-) That un opened un wrapped xmas present is she serious? i mean come on now.... Brilliant post. dee x

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  16. Lakota, you are just fabulous! Thanks for making me giggle till it hurts. E-bay has gone from the sublime to he ridiculous! As forthat crisp...oh my goodness!!! x

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  17. Oooooh you gotta love ebay for giving a giggle some of the crap ppl try and fob off ....erghhh cant believe anyone would buy half the stuff you've come across lol

    As for valentines sod stupid gifts the way to a mans heart is some good grub well thats all my oh gets lol

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  18. Gross. I would divorce someone if they bought me this crap. My bf and I aren't exchanging gifts this year. Him getting me pregnant has been a gift enough. Need to save money for bebe in august. I buy my lingere at goodwill anyways. It works the same.

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  19. Magic and Madness of eBay is always the highlight of my day! How has that girl not unwrapped that purse by now?! I think she did unwrap it and saw this it was horrible, so she decided to re-wrap it and sell it as a surprise.

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  20. Chuckle, chuckle. :)
    Love from Mum
    xx

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  21. You see I'm thinking that Naughty Knot is just a massive uncomfortable wedgie! WHY WHY WHY???????????
    thanks for sharing x

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  22. thank goodness we're just doing cards this year!

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  23. I just love love love your E-bay posts! You should so have your own magazine column! You make me laugh so much!!!

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    1. Thank you. If you're ever in touch with anyone who can make that happen, do feel free to put a good word in!

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  24. I'm gaping like a suffocating goldfish, it took a full minute for my fingers to work the keyboard and I think I'm going to have to watch The Exorcist just to get every single one of these wonderfully HIDEOUS images out of my tortured mind. My god, you are one HELL of a woman!!!! Love and hugs from Stunned Mullet xoxoxoxo

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  25. Thank you SO SO SO much I found the perfect gift for my Mr. I think I will get him the "THE TURDS "RIMBO" Plus just because he is SOOOO great I will also splurge and buy him a bag of beef jerkey and a elephant man thong!
    *WOOOOO* Valentines day will be SO EXCITING! lol

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  26. What a shame I don't have anyone to give these amazing gifts too.... Gosh you make me laugh! xx

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  27. Thank you for trawling through all the tat on ebay, it's saved me wasting a few hours. Guess it'll be a quick trip to the local petrol station for me lol.
    Thanks for making me laugh x

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  28. My oh my, the things that can be found on ebay..never ceases to amaze me..haha. Thanks for sharing..it made me smile. I think I may pass on these ones, as tempting as they are :P
    Have a lovely weekend and thanks for the laugh :)
    Magie

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  29. Wow! That's a lot of tat! I'm thinking a crisp and a mop would guarantee a lot of cold nights for the hubs. Make sure your hubs reads your post so he knows what NOT to get you.

    Madison xxx

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  30. LOL at the second hand hung like a donkey pouch! Who in their right mind would buy that? A desperate old woman or gay couple maybe? Those bat knickers are kinda awesome I must admit!

    £4 delivery for a mouldy old crisp?! It'll probably end up broken upon delivery so the seller must be expecting negative feedback, there's no way he'll be able to replace that one of a kind valentines crisp!

    I had a guy at Cheddar boot sale trying to sell me one of those Turd figurines! He thought he was being a comedian but I gave him a look that made him think otherwise!

    At least those Kleenex tissues will come in handy after receiving that Valentines Pamper Bag as I can picture a nice runny bloody nose!

    What a load of crap! I just can't get my head around some of the utter rubbish people try to sell on eBay, it is good for a laugh I must admit!

    I've tagged you over on my blog to do the latest nosey tag, I hope you don't mind! xxx

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  31. Oh my god....laughing so much....glad not on bus....oh the redwing horse sanctuary....that was a laughing highlight. But seriously, lots of key evidence for my case of 'Why we should do away with Valentine's'! ;p

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  32. I think the Kleenex is ESSENTIAL to post Valentine's cleanup. How else will purchasers of those cheap and nasty goods wipe away the shame!??!

    Jem xXx

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  34. This is brilliant - brought a smile to my day :) Valentines stocking...? Classic!

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  35. I am rolling on the ground!! great post!
    Only Ebay would sell such things,lol
    trust you to find it. You need your own
    Ebay crap find show.
    I like the bat chonis.
    besotes

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  36. If I'm gonna give that naughty knot I'm gonna need more ribbon! Love the gift suggestions.

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  37. Tacky! Tacky! Tacky!
    And I thought a bunch of wilting carnations was bad...
    Hilarious post Lakota, I can't believe this crap is out there, somewhere...
    If my husband gave me that book I'd hit him over the head with it and then stick it where the sun don't shine!

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  38. That was very funny :)
    PS My husband bought me a vajazzle kit for Christmas.

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  39. Hilarious I love it! and makes me SO fine with being single on St Val's!

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  40. No way, who buys this stuff. I am particularly amused by the paper boat and the revolting crisp.

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  41. Thanks for doing the leg work so I don't have to, that's Valentines Day sorted as far as I'm concerned! x

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  42. I have tears in my eyes. I laughed all the way through this wity post! Thanks for the laughs and thanks for linking the laughs to the party at my place. laurie

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  43. You have made my day with this post! I can genuinely say I haven't laughed so much in ages, so much so I have had to get my Boyfriend to read this as he was concerned I had lost the plot, he confirms this is flipping hilarious!

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  44. Ai Caramba! Those are some scary gift ideas!

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