Oscars Frocks 2016 - Arachnophobia, Amputees and the Emperor's New Clothes

If you've been following this blog for a while you'll be aware that I am the living embodiment of style - somewhere between Kate Moss and Iris Apfel - and am therefore totally qualified to make judgements about other women's clothes. I read fashion blogs and magazines whilst eating quavers and wearing pyjama bottoms from BHS. When awards season rolls round I like nothing more than a good fashion police session on Facebook with my equally sarcastic chic enablers and I'm always looking for more squad members, so do let me know your thoughts.

Here is the very gorgeous Alicia Vikander, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Danish Girl, and according to several news outlets 'channelling' Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Presumably they're referring to the fact she has long brown hair and is wearing a yellow swooshy dress, not the fact that she is dating Michael Fassbender.

My first thought, aside from "bitch can act AND suits yellow, is there no justice?" was "where the hell is her other leg?'' I mean seriously, that's not photoshopped. Her right leg has disappeared. She's like the anti-Angelina. Possibly she really is the android she played in Ex-Machina and can remove body parts. As my friend Rachel remarked, anything to lose a few pounds for the cameras. Of course, putting aside the missing limb, another pressing problem is that the hem of her dress looks like my duvet cover when it comes out of the washing machine full of socks. But she has an oscar, she doesn't care.

The Leg of Doom™ 2012 Academy Awards

You know who else has an oscar? Brie Larson for Room. I absolutely love the colour of her gown and thought it looked amazing in motion.

That said, I wasn't keen on her school-girl hair (she and Alicia both look like they were expecting to do the Head Girl's talk to prospective parents at secondary school) and the sheer layer of fabric on the bodice makes me feel that an emergency trip to the optician is necessary. Last time my eyes felt this out of focus tequila was involved. 

Don't look at my chest or you'll go blind

Frida Pinto also went for blue at the Vanity Fair Oscars party. She is lovely, but the dress is less so. That evil looking belt buckle is just waiting to stab her in the abs when  she sits down. Her boyfriend is a hottie, although he seems to have left his slippers on with his tux.

Next we have Heidi Klum, who despite neither being an actor nor married to one, always gets to go to the Oscars. She is of course a very successful model, who wears weird clothes for her job and sees nothing wrong in a busman's holiday. I vaguely remember some TV programme where aspiring designers have to make an outfit out of tinfoil/100 copies of The Sun/remaindered Jedward CDs or similar, and this looks like they were given 30 yards of pale mauve tulle and one of those Chinese dressmakers that make 'designer ball gown' copies.

Left arm = Daenerys from Game of Thrones

Right arm = Margot from The Good Life

Lady Gaga has been toning down her look recently, and frankly I miss those innocent days where she'd rock up to an awards show wearing 6lbs of Serrano ham. Instead she decided to make two outfits out of ready to roll fondant icing left over from doing her Christmas cake. This one is a sort of trouser/dress combo with the worst elements of each - badly fitting round the boobs and creating camel toe. "When you're trying to keep a towel around you but need your hands. Clench the pelvic floor in as a last resort" said Lucy.

Admittedly it looked a lot better when she was standing differently but I don't get this fatwa against the bra that appears to be to be going on in Hollywood.

I guess at least she didn't wear a wedding dress and washing up gloves like she did last year.

Anyway, later on she put on a top and trousers combo that fitted far better (aside from the hem length for someone two feet taller) and accessorized with a tablecloth bustle which made her look strangely like a centaur. I just wish that if that was the look she was going for she'd gone all out, you know? The Gaga of old would have worn hoof shoes and a 3 foot unicorn horn headpiece and been all the better for it!

Born this...Neigh

And how about Emma Roberts? Floaty and sheer? Tick. Flattering cut and drape? Tick. Covered in freaking spiders?? Aargh! I saw this dress and as well as being immediately itchy I just thought of this video. If you look closely at her face it's clear she's actually frozen in terror and/or auditioning for a remake of Arachnophobia.

'Follow the spiders' said Hagrid

What does everyone make of this one worn by Liz Hernandez from Access Hollywood? [no, I don't know who she is either] I think she was right to not go Princessy with the hair and not to wear a necklace - although a stack of bangles on the other arm might have been nice - but she does look rather as though she's wearing a silhouette of Olive Oyl. Or possibly that she's been painted by Picasso.

A whole new meaning to 'side boob' 

We've had to suffer several years now of 'dresses' that are so sheer they're not actually there, presumably so celebs can show off the reults of their diet and exercise regimes and the prowess of their waxer. Why wait for a hacker to steal your nude photos when you can show the world what you look like naked by making a dress out of pantyhose and the odd sequin? (I'm looking at you Beyonce, Kim K and Rihanna, amongst others). Perhaps things weren't quite as nude as they have been, there was no actual nipple or butt cheek on display, but still plenty to make me wonder whether I maybe shouldn't have eaten 5 salted caramel Muller Rice already this week.  This year's Vanity Fair party gave us two ladies in sheer red - Gwen Stefani and Diane Kruger - plus the girl from that dreadful Blurred Lines video, Emily 'look at my tatas' Ratajowski.

Diane Kruger is generally known as a fashion risk taker. She is an ex-model and has the figure for this bordello lampshade lace and tassels affair. She looks like she's holding her breath and is going to do so all night though, which can't be comfortable, right?

Diane wished she'd said no to that kebab. In 1991

Gwen Stefani is another funky dresser and has relatively recently split with cheating husband Gavin Rossdale and started another high profile romance with Blake Shelton. Her dress gives me slight 'Ha! look what you're missing' vibes, but that's understandable. I like the flamey-leafy bottom of the dress (a bit more of this and a bit less leg would look better) but what's less forgivable is red mesh on the shoulders, which gives a 'two weeks in Benidorm with no suncream' look. Hannah and I decided that her dress was being censored by 'the red hand of modesty', which could become a feature in Heat magazine. Plus she's accessorised with a man who clearly thinks dressing up means putting on his best jeans. 

Girl on fire. Bloke nipping out to buy fags

Here's Emily Ratatatas. It's some feat of engineering keeping those Jessica Rabbit boobs up and in that 'dress'. [Does attaching a bit of sheer fabric to a bustier make it a dress? I guess so]

We all thought Olivia Munn looked gorgeous in orange and of course Cate Blanchett looks like a goddess always, although Sara was less taken with the 'pritt sticked bits' on her sea foam frock and I'm inclined to agree, although I think they work on the top half I wouldn't want them on my bum.

Looking over the photos I'm left wondering how any of them walk, as I can't see anyone's feet - or rather foot - aside from Alicia Vikander's and those dresses are super long. Anyway, I'm off to bed to order slacks from a Sunday supplement - tell me your hits and misses in the comments.

Lakota x

Edited to add this link suggested by Kezzie - a little girl who makes her own versions of the Oscar frocks out of paper. Very cute!