Hey. It's Mothering Sunday here in the UK. I wrote this yesterday, cos right now I'm probably busy drinking a cup of coffee in bed and admiring my cards - no doubt glitter, pritt-stick and felt-tip heavy. There might even be some over-buttered toast and a macaroni necklace. It will be lovely.
I'm pretty certain there will be none of the items I mentioned in the post title. But I do feel I have to share this website, just in case you don't like your mother/MIL. And forewarned is forearmed. It may be an idea to set parental controls on the computer now - I know my mum was happier the year I bought her a Fry's Turkish Delight with my pocket money than the time I purchased a hideous mock ivory figurine of a cartoon housewife clutching a trophy, engraved with the legend 'World's Greatest Mum'. [It was the 80s, I bought it from the corner shop. Possibly only beaten by the occasion I bought my dad a 'Male Chauvinist' pig shaped soap for Fathers' Day. I didn't know what it meant, it just occupied a vague 'male' space in my mind, along with things like cricket boxes and that weird springy chest expander thing that he kept at the back of the wardrobe.] One day your children will have spending power and the internet.
Anyway, if like me you take perverse pleasure in reading those adverts at the back of Sunday supplement magazines - send no money now, simply enjoy displaying this limited edition Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge plate, with regal gold accents - then you should be in your element when browsing The Bradford Exchange. "Forty years of innovation, artistry and design" - plus they've kindly added a 'Mothers' Day Gifts' section to their site, so it's all there for me in three convenient pages.
'FLOWER OF WALES' PATRIOTIC LADY FIGURINE
Apparently the 'flower of Wales' is Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as Eliza Doolittle, lovingly cast in 'artist's resin'. Personally my choice would be Ruth Jones dressed as Rizzo from Grease - that really would be "a marvellous display from any angle!", but until a designer of granny-beloved knick-nacks shares my vision, then I'll have to settle for CZJ. After all, "it goes without saying that you are deeply proud of your heritage! Now you can honour your great country and commemorate its courage, beauty, proud identity and history with an exceptional first-of-a-kind treasure".
Oddly enough, they seem to have used CZJ as their model for the English Rose, Wild Irish Rose, and Flower of Scotland figurines too, but only the Welsh version is deemed a suitable Mothers Day gift. I'm off to stick a daffodil in my hair.
'MOTHER'S WISHES OF LOVE' PERSONALISED MUSIC BOX
It has swarovski crystals and faux jewels! It plays the 'heartfelt melody' of 'You are the Wind Beaneath my Wings'! It can be expertly personalised with the names of up to six loved ones! It looks like a funeral urn!
It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. Just in case you were worried that someone might ask you to prove that it really is a hideous music box?
ULTIMATE DISNEY CLASSIC CHARM BRACELET
I would love this from one of my boys, and wear it proudly. If they'd won it for me on the pier at Brighton. If on the other hand they'd paid five instalments of £29.99 for this 'charming masterpiece' with 'lavish 24 carat gold plating', I'd think I'd failed in my duty as a mother. [£149.99. Are they serious?!]
OUR FAMILY IS A CIRCLE OF LOVE - PERSONALISED BIRTHSTONE RING
Ok, so this kind of overly sentimental design isn't to my taste. I appreciate others might like the idea though. And what mum doesn't think of her children as precious gems? Oh, except the 'free personalised birthstones' are all cubic zirconia and it still costs a hundred quid!
I'm not sure The Bradford Exchange has an exact grasp of what Mothers' Day actually entails. Why would you give your mother a bracelet engraved with 'Always my daughter, now too my friend'? Or a 'My Daughter, I love you' music box? Still, either of these would be preferable to ANOTHER BLOODY BABY. Are they insane? If you are a mother, you've had/are having these precious moments. With an actual real child. That one that destroyed your peace of mind/ability to wear crop tops forever.
OLIVIA'S GENTLE TOUCH BABY DOLL
"Few memories are as precious as the first time your baby responds to you by wrapping her tiny hand around your finger. Now this lifelike baby doll allows you to recapture this tender moment whenever you wish!"
£149.99 and they can't even throw in the two AA batteries required? Mind you, if I'd had the choice I'd probably have utilised an off-switch on my boys more than once...
I hope you all have a lovely day, whether or not you can be with your own mum. I'll leave you with my favourite royal items from The Bradford Exchange - who among us can forget the glorious day that Christine Bleakley wed Christopher Walken?
Christine Bleakley. On stilts.
£29.99
Christopher Walken, Prince of the Realm
£149.99
But be quick, there's just 95 casting days for the bride figurine - and the factory only churns out 10,000 a day!
Lakota x
Thank you so much, I now have tears of laughter rolling down my face. I love the musical urn in particular. It certainly beats my mug which says "your the best mum" in one place then "you'r special" in another. Two grammar crimes for the price of one! Sadly it got broken while washing up...
ReplyDeleteHeheh! I narrowly escaped getting a stone pheasant! Phew! Happy mothers day! x
ReplyDeleteChristopher Walken!!! Snort! I think I just blew tea out my nose. 150 quid? Ow.
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
ReplyDeleteAhhh love all this stuff but not in a serious way. Other half and I buy each other tacky presents that we point score. Extra points for religious iconography and if its mechanical too well.... Wow! We only buy second hand though. Who seriously buy s this stuff???
ReplyDeleteThis is a very funny post! Amused me greatly. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteClaire x
www.daydreamsinthegarden.blogspot.co.uk
Who buys all this stuff? Well .....in the words of a wise old friend...."there's a bum for every seat." Does make me mildly queasy and headachy though, looking at it all.
ReplyDeleteVery funny m'dear. :)
I didn't get a card as it ain't Mothers Day in France (and so not on the kids' agenda)...but my MIL brought me a posy of daffs (that were given out at her church this morning) and hubby is making lunch. Tartiflette. Smells blooming marvellous, must say...tummy rumbling and all that. Wish he'd get on with it.
I love your 'Internet crap' posts, so funny! Having said that my MIL would probably quite like the first figurine - she has a few of those sorts of things around her house! I should add that we do get on well!
ReplyDeletewow, that's all I can say!
ReplyDeleteAhhh the hideous music box . . only beaten by the 'free' personalised birthstones in the awful ring if you ask me!
ReplyDeleteJem xXx
Oh my word, who buys this crap?! Personalised 'birthstones', interactive babydoll £149, wtf!!! Ha ha, this would be hilarious if it wasn't so tragic! Btw, that 'William' statuette is totally Christopher Walken:D xx
ReplyDeleteAaaah - hideous and fantastic all at the same time! They remind me of the adverts that you used to get at the back of Viz (probably still do) but the lines between reality and ridicule are seriously blurred. I've just spat out my coffee with those last two photographs - what a treat! Thanks for the giggle x Jane
ReplyDeleteThanks..cheered me up no end!!! :) x
ReplyDeleteNobody finds inane crap that no one really wants but lies to wonder and/or laugh at. I had a massive cake and a card so cute it came with it's own sick bag...my son was being ironic I believe...now my Mother's Day indulgence has been topped of with a proper laugh.
ReplyDeletexxx
Ha ha!!!! My Mum used to get the Franklin Mint catalogue (she actually used to buy stuff from there- we had the limited edition monopoly set!) and there wa a load of expensive tack in there too! Ugrh, really dislike those fake babies!
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving all of us mothers (& others!) such a laugh today. My MIL is the sort of person that has all that kind of tack around her house (I even secretly photographed it to give myself a giggle!) I asked for and got (the cheek of it!) a zoom lens for my camera! He, he. Happy Mother's Day all. x
ReplyDeleteMock if you want, but these are COLLECTORS' ITEMS. They are investments that will grow in value.
ReplyDeleteAnd I still wouldn't want any of them in my house.
Oh wow, those Royal figures are amazing! Your descriptions are spot on :)
ReplyDeleteHilarious as always, Lakota. Maybe all this stuff is for the peeps who feel too guilty to put enough thought into a Mother's Day gift! Call me sentimental, but I love the family rings fom the 70s, with a single line if wee stones in each family member's birthstone. Semi- tacky but they always pulled at my heartstrings as a kid when I'd see them in the Sears catalogue! Hope you are having a great day! Xo
ReplyDeleteYou are a class act - thank you for finding and sharing these gems with us. Tacky, heave-inducing, weird and creepy - you really spoil us! Will be looking forward to the next time you round up all those special little somethings for us gift buyers!
ReplyDeletex
Hahaa! Brilliant! Choice gifts there, the ring is especially lovely! happy Mothers day x
ReplyDeleteEeeeek that ring is absolutely hideous! There are plus sides to not having children :)
ReplyDeleteThat baby doll would totally creep me out. Its just one step away from gripping your finger *tighter* then scratching you in the face stealing your wallet then stabbing you!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Mom's day =D
I remember lots of cat plates and thimble collections on the back of the Sunday magazines. Maybe next Mother's Day eh?
ReplyDeleteOh hilarious! Have only just stopped laughing, and so has my husband, with whom I just had to share this! Spot on with the lookylikeys!
ReplyDeleteGod those baby things are CREEPY. The stuff of nightmares.
ReplyDeleteThe only novelty item I purchased for my mum this year was from Card Factory and was a wine class clearly labelled "MUM'S WINE". This was purely as a useful items at buffets, BBQs etc' to prevent risk to anyone accidentally swigging said MUM'S WINE and triggering her ire.
I avoid any confusion by clearly stating that anything in ANY of the wine glasses is mine.
DeleteGlass not class. My mum knows how to drink wine.
ReplyDeleteLOL! You kill me. I hope you get the classy-like-a-brick-through-a-window music urn!
ReplyDeletewow, that baby doll totally creeped me out. I think all my weird dolls would kick her out of the cabinet.
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother 's Day!
Brilliant post! Thanks for making me laugh on a crap Monday morning. The figurines are truly atrocious & that baby will probably give me nightmares tonight.....
ReplyDeleteNo mothering Sunday here in Spain. I am not sure but I think it is sometime in May. Not big event, though.
ReplyDeleteWe just celebrate birthdays, lol
Enjoy.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx
You've just reminded me that back in the day, me and my friends went through a spate of ordering the most disgusting things from those Sunday ads for each other. I remember receiving a pink, frilly polyester bedspread and matching curtains and I also had a series of people calling round wanting to fit me with hearing aids! I got a home made card from my daughter with my head superimposed on the torso of some rapper with chains and tattoos - nice. xx
ReplyDeleteHaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! "first-of-a-kind treasure" haaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa. Best thing I have read all week. You rock.
ReplyDeleteHehe, I will be steering clear of this company thanks, anything that wants monthly instalments doesn't get a second glance-especially these prices-seriously some people must have more money than sense and taste (poor them). Hope you had a lovely day yesterday and would love to see you rocking that Moschino jacket too! xxx
ReplyDelete**shudder** I'm so happy I banned "bought" presents for Mother's Day many, many years ago! I used my matriarchal powers for the simple selfish reason that it would avoid such heinonsities entering the front door and onto my breakfast tray, at which time I would have to "deal" with them somehow. I do hope you had a fabbo day with tea and toast in bed and all the cleaning up at the end of the day;) xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou really crack me up, what the hell is up with the freakishly tall Middleton? The urn is both hilarious and creepy. I saw one of those mini dedication grave tribute stones in a charity shop recently, with space for a photo. Nice. Not sure I'd pay any more than £3.50 for any of that shite. Did you ever see the my fake baby thing? I hate those realistic babys, they creep me out. Everything here creeps me out, but in a perverse way I love it all. Not you talking about lovingly made presents of course. Hope you got scrawlled homemade cards and a macaroni necklace xxx
ReplyDeleteROFLMBO--yeah i'll be seeing these treasures at the finest YARDSALES next summer!!!
ReplyDeleteJesus, I'd ignore those if they turned up at a jumble sale, that Disney bracelet will give me nightmares - I hate Disney with a passion! I know I'd have been a terrible mother, if I'd borne offspring that brought me tat like that they'd be up for adoption. x
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. I'd always wondered what those ads were for. now I know- Micky taking! Brill!
ReplyDeleteI have now bought two each item! lol! Love Annie x
ReplyDeleteAAAH, the dolls are creepy. Hilarious post :) We much prefer handmade mothers day presents in out family to stuff like above, too.
ReplyDeleteWhat qualifies one to become an 'artist' who comes up with deformed versions of celebrities and royalty cast in resin? I seriously think your boys could have a go.
ReplyDeleteDisney bracelet? Sadly, I know several people (former colleagues) who would proudly wear that hideous piece of crap.
All these gifts would require an accompanying card with at least 5 pages of sentimental rhyming poetry in the style of Steiner Rice. That means you really are the BEST mum in the world EVER!
Bahahaha. I now cannot wait to become a mother. My bf and I have a long-standing joke that we go gooey-eyed over hideous figurines, sighing "Oh I WISH we could buy that"... Observers are none the wiser to the fact we want to then smash them with a cricket bat.
ReplyDeletexx
P.S. I wish that bracelet was £4.99. I'd totally wear that.
P.P.S Just went to the Bradford site. On the front page? A Lancaster Bomber clock. Because nothing says "you're getting old" like a literal time bomb. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteOh so thats what I am missing out on..........they say when you don't have kids that your life will be forever incomplete. If I had all that crap "Complete I would be!!!!!!
ReplyDeletePrefect.
love V
In My Day...
ReplyDeleteyes, I really did just say that...
Your options were: some sort of storage device made out of painted/lacquered paddle pop sticks, with glittery pictures of kittens optional and/or a World's Best Mum giant wooden spoon and/or Yardley soap.
Ah, the good old days.
Sarah xxx
I remember buying mum generic $2 perfume with my pocket money, every year , occasionally with matching talc. She always acted so pleased and yet she never smelt of anything other than 'charlie' when i think back. My mum would love most of this tack, i know she hates the homemade stuff i send her cause my sis told me a few years ago, so now its a photo-of-your-grandkids-in-a-frame, every year now. I know a three year old who would love that bracelet! Happy mothers day L x
ReplyDeleteI know I’m a little late on reading this, but Lakota you always find the funniest things. Even the Disney lover that I am – cannot admire that hideous charm bracelet! So many revolting gifts, and presented with your witty humour makes for a brilliant post.
ReplyDeleteOn my trip away with the other bloggers, your name came up a lot (in a good way don’t worry) and we all mutually agreed how much we admire you and enjoy what you write.
xxx