Not Pinterested Part 3...Bye resolution

Happy New Year, Blwyddyn Newydd Dda, Selamat Tahun Baru and all that jazz. Hope you all had a great Christmas and new year break - I've pretty much been offline for 10 days and somehow managed without Facebook, Twitter, blogging and knowing all the ins and outs of the Katy Perry / Russell Brand divorce. In fact, once the palpitations and tremors subsided, the hiatus from the keyboard was surprisingly refreshing. I almost considered resolving to cut down on my screen time. [Reading the entire Hunger Games trilogy over the weekend on my kindle doesn't count]


And then I thought...naah. January? The time of abstinence? It's bad enough that I'm not drinking and that stepping outside the front door requires wardrobe choices last made by Bruce Parry when he lived with the Inuit. My laptop gives me a connection to the wider world and warms my legs. It's win-win. Once this hellish month is over I will be able to properly address goals for the year. Such as the fact that I do not have a 'signature beauty look' and still poke myself in the eye on the rare occasions I attempt to apply mascara. Also, that my clothes have mysteriously shrunk and the scales are not my friend. [We're at that stage in the fallout where we studiously ignore each other in the playground but are still acutely conscious of the other's whereabouts.] Oh, and debating the relative merits of 'cellulite' vs 'drinking more water'. Is it so bad to prefer water as nature intended it? With aspartame and caramel colouring and chemicals? And labelled Diet Coke? These are issues all better addressed when January is over. Sometime around mid May perhaps.

However, there are still foolish souls out there who insist on making life difficult for themselves. And yes, they're pinning away on Pinterest making the rest of us feel bad too. A quick browse of the boards reveals an awful lot of pins related to health and fitness. This is nothing new, there are any number of fitness freaks who do nothing but pin humourless motivational stuff, but it's definitely more prevalent at this time of year.

OK, but your boobs shouldn't be on a level with your shoulders either...

Yeah yeah, and someone fatter is eating

Sir! Yes Sir! [Although I'm pretty sure it's a stitch]

You can tell who the serious ones are - in addition to 'Fitspiration' pictures they also have boards called things like 'Inspirational Women' and 'Vegan Life'. The fly-by-nights have another board called 'Noms' devoted to a gazillion pictures of peanut butter and/or melted cheese related edibles. 

How to get skinny: Eat fewer of these

I love that the fact that the pinner of the above has a lonesome 'Health and Fitness' board in amongst the following:

Cookies...bars...brownies...yum

Candies...fudge, indulge

Butters, sauces and more

Desserts 2 Die 4

Cupcakes and wrappers

Frozen Desserts

Breads, Muffins and rolls

Puddings and Custards

Smack me with a SNACK

Life is like a box of chocolates

I'll drink to that

Is anyone else sensing the problem? 

The same lady has a 'Bucket List' board of resolutions - formerly 'things to do before you die', though the annoying new phrase has become prevalent since the film of the same name. Her lists are more specific to particular seasons - eg. A Fall Bucket list with 'press leaves' [Woo, aim high before you shuffle off this mortal coil] but  the idea got me searching for other people's resolutions. They've been popular for a while on blogs in the guise of '30 before 30' style posts, and are now taking over Pinterest too. I'm working on one myself, but am not sure it's ever going to meet the dizzy heights of the bucket list I'm about to share. I should point out  that while an anthropomorphised giant rodent features heavily, this is an adult's list of goals, not that of a 5 year old girl:

It's a toss up between her and Selena Gomez apparently

Yeah, screw you Minnie

It's my guess that this is how you spend EVERY day, but it's always good 

to have one thing on the to-do list you can tick off straight away

Oh dear God. No. Just no.

Hi, welcome to the Disney Store. Can I interest you in lining our pockets?

Gosh, however will you fit all this into one trip to Florida lifetime? What with taxing resolutions such as 'Own a pair of Ugg Boots' as well? If it wasn't for the fact that 'Have a Daughter' has already been ticked off, I would be convinced that she was reception age, as she has also tasked herself with 'Getting an ice-cream from the ice-cream Truck'. I'm pretty sure it's now frowned on to 'Ride a Dolphin' - unless this is an uncharacteristically adult American football team reference: 

Giddy up Flipper! Let's go visit Ariel and Nemo

but she would 'die happy' if she achieves just one final thing of all the goals on her list. Having a book published and seeing the Northern lights are pretty mundane I guess. Maybe I should go for flightless bird fondling too. Yes, her main aim to achieve in life is to 'Hug a Penguin'. Was Happy Feet actually a documentary?

Get reconstructive surgery post facial pecking incident

But back to New Year resolutions. It's easy to make a list of of things you're going to achieve with three score years and ten ahead of you - but goals for the year ahead need specific focus. I searched '2012' and came up a number of rather alarming tattoo suggestions - if you're still undecided pinners, I'd vote no - and several boards with inspiring ideas for the year ahead. My favourite board was this one, simply titled 2012 and with just the two pins:

Yeah, a new hobby could be good...

...it might keep you out of prison

Good luck with the year klepto trapeze girl!

Lakota x

PS. If you need more stuff I've dredged up from the internet / the recesses of my mind, you could always check my Facebook page.

Not Pinterested Part 2...Bored with burlap

So, basically this is where I trawl through Pinterest to see what people are pinning, and discover that I'm apparently living in a parallel universe to everyone else. I'm not quite sure where the obsession with making things out of hessian came from (or burlap, as our friends across the pond call it), but it seems to show no sign of abating, and this loose weave fabric beloved of potato growers everywhere has been elevated from functional to fashionable over the last few years.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that if you have a grain-sack cushion you're a bad person - although you do have a distinctly uncomfortable sofa - but it's a slippery slope, and I'm just trying to save you from the inevitable and all-encompassing addiction which follows. 

It all starts so innocently. Exhibit A: The stylish cushion.  

Vintage grain sack, stylish font [French for extra ponce points] To be found on a neutral white or beige sofa, with rustic accents. Perfect for that Homes & Antiques or Country Living Spread. Slightly malodorous but the smell is easily masked with a Jo Malone candle. 

Acceptable alternative is the brighter version, with pleasing vintage graphics. Rustic but still colourful, perfect for the charmingly retro and eclectic interior. 

Exhibit B: The Unintentionally Ironic Cushion 

This version is available from notonthehighstreet.com. It's ticking a lot of trendy boxes. Typewriter inspired font, dictionary definition, looks like it should contain swedes in a 50s green-grocers. But - is no one else seeing a dichotomy here? A hessian cushion  is not going to be 'snug'. Root vegetables do not need to be 'warmly cosy', hence burlap is not your go-to fabric for comfort. Surely the 'optional 38 x 38cm duck feather filled pad' is pretty much irrelevant once it's put inside the world's least comfortable material?

Exhibit 3: Taking it to the bedroom

Ok, so what we call cushions, Americans call pillows, right? Pillows are what we sleep on here in the UK, so 'burlap pillow' just means cushion, doesn't it? Or not. 

What the hell happened? How have we gone from being advised to keep our faces wrinkle free and our hair shiny by sleeping on silk pillow-cases, to actually thinking "Yes, I'll get some quality shut-eye on that old flour sack. If it's good enough for the dog, it's good enough for me!". Even the teddies look pained.

Obviously once you've accepted burlap beauty sleep it's easy to allow house-room to the following:

 Miss Haversham's house. If she lived in a barn. 

Roman blinds, hillbilly style

Burlap lightshade. With bows.

And of course burlap is for all seasons:

Easter Bunny 

Halloween pumpkins

Christmas nose-bags Stockings. Mmm, festive

Just the ticket once Santa has filled them with oats and barley.

When good crafting intentions go very very bad. These are apparently 'burlap eggs' - no, I don't know why either - although they look more like they were left in the corner of his hutch by the burlap Easter Bunny

*******

So, your home looks like Wurzel Gummidge has taken up residence, but you're just not finished with burlap. Having toughed up your skin nicely on your hessian cushions, it's but a short skip and a jump to allowing jute into your wardrobe. I understand, I do. I mean, there's a new film out about Marilyn Monroe, the original poster girl for the potato sack dress:

and maybe you saw Project Runway when they had their budding designers send burlap dresses down the catwalk. Even Demi Moore wore a hessian style bustier on the cover of Elle last year:

Ashton, you're an idiot

Yup, you're going to rock the flour sack look like a farm-girl during the Great Depression. Let's just see what's available shall we?

$120 by Gretchen Elsner. It's got pom-poms!

Gosh, it's like Katharine Hepburn never left us.

These trousers will 'never die'. Not even if stabbed repeatedly with a pitchfork.

The 'Fatale' by Gee Wa Wa. A mere $264.95

Gok Wan appears to have gone mad with a glue-gun again.

I am undecided as to whether these were more hideous before or after the 'be-burlapping'

Vintage WW2 novelty 'sugar and spice' knickers

[apologies to the person who saw 'burlap panties' come up in their stats as a result of this post]

*******

Whoop! You went out in your finery and snagged a hot guy [literally, those trousers catch on everything] with similar interests. 

Hubba hubba

You've dated a while, you're buying a yurt home together, and finally he pops the all important question. Will you be my burlap bride? Yes, there's no reason why the most important day of your life and the most scratchy fabric of your life shouldn't also be joined together in holy matrimony. In fact there are entire Pinterest boards devoted to this very scenario. [Disclaimer: many of these rustic chic ideas are indeed very lovely, I agree. I'm just trying to point out that not EVERYTHING needs to be made from a sack]

Canapés

Buttonholes. Burlap and thistle. "What an interesting combination of textures" says the wedding writer. Yes, prickly and scratchy just screams 'wedding' to me [nettles optional]

Who is getting married here? Daisy the Cow and Fergus the Bull?

Wedding cake, with extra fibre.

Available from Etsy. 

"Perfect for that romantic bohemian bride who's going for a

 breath-taking and romantic look on her special day"

[Doubles up as an eco-friendly nest for your chickens afterwards]

Get me to the Church on time...Arrive in style in a burlap pick-up

No need to press or preserve your bouquet afterwards

The blushing burlap bride and her hessian husband

So, what's the verdict - am I swimming against the tide here? Should I be planning my sister's burlap baby shower? Or are you also over the stinky sacking? Let me know...


Lakota x


PS. Thanks so much to everyone who has voted for me so far, I really appreciate it. And hello to all my new followers, do say hi and I'll try to check out your blogs.

Not Pinterested Part 1... Mollie Makes

Aah Pinterest...the website more addictive than watching the X Factor with your crack-pipe and a tube of Pringles. Like so many others in blogland, I'll admit to getting a teeny bit obsessed with this virtual pinboard which allows you to keep all your ideas and inspirations found online together. No need for bookmarks and favourites - just click on the image and you're taken straight to the original site. Not only that, but if you can't find anything to pin from your own browsing, you can follow other people's boards and spend your time frantically repinning what the 'tastemakers' have decreed is hip.

Yup. It's a time suck and I haven't created anything except an internet history

It's genius, but spend a while on there and it does start to feel like everyone's pining for and pinning the same things. And of course, while I like to pretend that I'm an arty type doing vital research for my er, art; the reality is that I've pinned several thousand craft projects I'm never likely to attempt, let alone complete, plus made the discovery of a zillion more bloggers who have obviously been created by an evil gene splice of Martha Stewart and Kirsty Allsopp.

Anyway, while I'm happily pinning away, I can't help but notice certain trends - the things people are pinning which I just fundamentally, completely and totally DO NOT GET. [Like burlap. More on that another time]. Hopefully you've accepted my misanthropic tendencies by now, so maybe you'll also see the need for  'Not Pinterested' - a place where I can put all the stuff I'm currently bored and/or enraged with, but that everyone else seems to love - my internet room 101. So, here's the first in a probably-not-that-occasional-and-actually-quite-frequent series. Enjoy!

*****************

Do you ever get the feeling you're out of kilter with everyone else? I picked up a copy of Mollie Makes in Smiths recently, and instead of taking it home, reading it cover to cover and then blogging about how charming it was, I flicked through it, got infuriated with myself for even considering spending a FIVER on yet another issue, and wondered why I didn't understand the apparent obsession with crafting your five a day. I'm thrilled that stitchery is having its moment in the spotlight, really I am, but does the cover always have to be 'the hands' clutching some kind of fake food?  Every. Single. Month. We've had felt biscuits, fabric strawberries - the complete madness which was the crocheted jacket for your apple - and now patchwork bloody pears. The day I actually bought a magazine whose leading story was 

"Sweet and Juicy!...freshly crocheted vegetables" 

 with a handful of peas made from yarn on the cover was the day I realised things had gone too far. I could almost see my teenage self, clutching a copy of Kerrang and laughing. Whatever next, Needle felt this stunning radish brooch? Knit a hat for your lunchtime jacket potato?

Mu-um, the other kids in nursery get REAL food...

Veronica! Dinner!

I know why I'm supposed to like this magazine, and periodically, when I'm in a cosier mood, I do. Kind of. There's a bit of thrift oriented property porn, new ways to display second hand finds, and some lovely photography inside -  but so many of the makes seem designed to delight nine year olds.  I have never felt the urge to make myself a felt pet - despite the patterns for both hamsters and chihuahuas - but then I'm not the crafting Paris Hilton. Or maybe I'm just dead inside?

Reading the mag is pretty much like sitting down with the laptop and flicking between Etsy and the prettier blogs on my blogroll, only I can get those for nothing, and they don't come with innumerable ads for sewing classes. The 'free' gift sewing project seems designed to somehow justify the extortionate cover price - but how many more ways can there be to stifle an MP3 player? Poor Steve Jobs, feted as the saviour of modern design - I imagine he's looking down now wondering why he ever bothered to make the iPod without a jaunty Scandi-style fabric bird attached to it.

What do you think of Mollie Makes? Despite my sniping I'm pretty sure it will exert its pull on my purse strings again sometime. In fact, I'm working on my pattern for felt asparagus now. I see it as the Valentine's cover star for February. Can anyone crochet Hollandaise sauce? 

Lakota x

 
Feel free to follow me on Pinterest - I'll happily stalk you back! Oh, and those of you taking part in the swap, I'll be announcing partners in the next few days. Last chance to sign up!

Linking up to newly discovered FFS Friday