Thursday, 3 January 2013

New Year's Resolutions of the Stars - 2013

Hey hey -  have you decided that this is the year you finally become thinner/ fitter/ nicer/ richer? You're not alone, as the resolutions of today's celebs reveal.

Emeli Sand√© 

Wow, 2013. I think this is the year I really need to get myself and my music out there. I mean OK, there was the Olympics Opening Ceremony, the Olympics closing ceremony, the X Factor finals show, the BBC Sports Personality of the Year programme, the MOBOS, The Brit Awards, three number one UK singles and topping the UK album chart, but I'm worried. There may still be some members of a remote hill tribe in Borneo who have never heard me over-emote whilst playing a piano. Well no more! I refuse to hide my light under a bushel any longer!

Kim n' Kanye

Kim: This year is going to be so special. We are so blessed. I'm already planning how we're going to spend that little bundle of joy that's coming our way. Of course, there's going to be some sleepless nights, but ten million dollars in deals is going to take a lot of count... [Kanye: Whoop! Make some noise for my babymama!] Kim: Thanks honey. Anyway, as I was saying, there will be challenges ahead, but it's nothing we can't monetise together. From famous bum to famous bump, right? It'll...[Kanye: I'mma let you finish, but this is going to be the best baby of all time!] Kim: Sure, sweetie. I'm thinking 'Kash' for a boy and  'Kristal' for a girl. Or maybe 'Kubic-Zirconia', that's pret...[Kanye: Get down girl, go head get down!] Kim: Sheesh...

Taylor Swift

I've learned a lot of life lessons in the last year. Relationships take work. There's a lot of guys out there and it's going to take time to date them all. That's OK though, as I have a 47 album deal and need new material. Harry Styles will do for January - it's only a matter of time before we implode in a mess of song lyrics and Twitter hashtags - but he's an amateur when it comes to creepy mind games and controlling relationships. And I don't really like being the older woman. It's icky.  If only there was a famous guy out there with a penchant for robotic looking strawberry blondes who are a lot younger than him. And who liked making really public and cringe-making declarations of love. Perhaps on Oprah. That'd be perfect...

Tom Cruise

How you doin'?

Ryan Gosling

Hey Girl. You can achieve your dreams this year. I believe in you. Just like the studios believe in me. I grew up with prejudice, but I've proved there are roles out there for a man whose heritage includes cocker spaniel. Oh, and I'm going to learn fair isle knitting this year too.


1. Keep up good works.
2. Pick name for heir to throne - it's between George and Pharrell at the moment.
3. Buy bra. Wear bra at all times.
4. Look into rules on treason - is beheading still allowed?

Newly wed Hugh Heffner (86)

My resolution? To have sex every day until I die!

Newly wed Crystal Heffner (26)

I have the same resolution as my honey-pie. Sex everyday until he dies!

Happy New Year!

Lakota x

Last year's Resolutions post here. Do you have any? Do share.



  2. hahahahahaha! You're flippin hilarious! If only Emile was more shy and retiring, she did my head in on Jools' Hootenanny xxxx
    welcome back
    blog more please xxx

    1. Thank you both. I will try to keep up better this year xx

  3. Happy New year, dear Lakota.

  4. Spot on! Although I've never heard of Emeli whats-er-name, but I think I'll copy her hairstyle.

    This is just so funny!

  5. This has made my day! Hilarious.
    I think Taylor Swift may be my favourite bless her.

  6. Oh you made me laugh with this ! !:)

  7. LMAO at "kubic zirconia!!!!!

    I'd like my NY resolution to have Ryan Gosling. oh yes please!

  8. Total absolute hilarity.

  9. Ahahahahaha Loved it!! To funny ~Love Heather

  10. Haha, you've got the best sense of humour! I don't do resolutions, rules are made to be broken as far as I'm concerned. However I did come up with a good rude one this year that I *will* stick with. I won't disgust your readers/ commenters with my dirty little secret, so you'll have to have a peek on my blog! XXX

  11. Your on form for 2013! Happy new year my funny, funny friend!

  12. Happy New Year to you and yours - and remind me next year not to take part in the Xmas swap! I'm still waiting!!!

  13. I think you'll find that Ryan's full resolution is to knit ME a fair isle - in between making sweet sweeeeeeeet love with me for the ten thousandth time. Happy New Year! Sarah xxx

  14. Resolutions? Nah, not really. But I do want to make a point of stopping by your blog more often. The swap made my holiday extra special. xxoo

  15. I loved this Lakota, your blogs are so funny. I love the idea of Kim and Kanye calling their baby Kubic-Zirconia. Happy New Year! xx

  16. Hi my dear-hehe, dig Hugh and Crystal, will they both be able to say that next NYE?? Wishing you a very happy new year and thanks for the follow on my new blog too xxx

  17. Happy New Year! Lol as per, you are too funny, someone tweeted that you should set an extra place at your Christmas dining table as Emeli Sande was likely to turn up! x

  18. Seriously who the feck is Emeli? OMG this is the best post ever and the year is so young, just like Tom who must be lining up bride #4 by now. Kim and Kanye - hahahaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I love Crystal - she's so hard-ass with that hard ass. Happy New Year honeee and yes, you were right;) xoxo

  19. Very good, particularly loved Kim n Kanya. In all honesty, I can't really be bothered with New Years Resolutions, I try and do what I want/ need to do all year round. Happy New Year Lakota, definitely a new years resolution to keep visisting your blog as it always makes me smile.

  20. This is classoc lakota brilliance, I dont know mzuch about all these celebs but it's obvious what theyre like from this x

  21. Hilarious thank you Lakota! Happy new year! x

  22. I love your sense of humor, thanks for all the belly laughs on a Friday. Have a great weekend!

  23. Hey, Lakota is on form in 2013! Brilliant! xxxx

  24. great comments! thanks for the laugh, and can you please let Ryan know I'm willing to help with his K1,P1 anytime, anywhere.

  25. Happy NY to you and love that post especially Hugh so funny!

  26. snort. too funny. this goes right up there with the celeb look-alike gizmo that paired you with 70 year old bald men. yep.

  27. Lakota, you are awesome ;) Thanks for the laugh on a day that I most needed one. I especially like the Hugh 'n Crystal - let's see how long that lasts. I don't know who Emeli is either, but I want her hairstyle!!!

  28. Hahahahaha!Bloody funny. I really thin Emeli should be putting herself out there more. She's simply not trying hard enough.xx

  29. Loved this one, such a great and humourous post. Also, loved Emeli, met her at a LFW party! Sad that not loads of people don't know of her still, but she's a good singer!

  30. Great post. But the last one my god it turns my tummy YUK. No love there im sure its all abouts his money. Happy new year lovely i hope its a magical one for you, dee xx

  31. Oh GOSH! Lakota you are one funny lady! I'm sat here laughing to myself - thinking some of these are not far from happening! Taylor Swift - you bitch! That's the true irony of your work ;)

  32. O I needed a laugh - cheers Lakota!
    You'll have to do more of these posts in 2013, make that your only resolution.
    If Mr Cruise doesn't get lucky with the ladies, I'm sure Graham Norton would marry him (if the schmooze-fest on his show is anything to go by).

    Yep - text was from me - and email still the same (both Gmail and Hotmail)

    Happy New Year - hope to really see you soon!

    Lucy x

  33. You are funny! Maybe I will get richer this year. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will get thinner. Maybe I won't. I am beginning to realise why I never achieve anything...
    (PS It's me, Vintage Goddess in Training - I have changed my blog name!) x


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