Friday, 13 July 2012

Mission Impossible? In which I choose a new wife for Tom Cruise

Oh TC, it could have been so perfect between us. I don't mean to brag, but I think I'd have been the ideal amalgamation of your first three wives. Boobs of Mimi Rogers, pallor of Nicole Kidman and childhood superfan like Katie Holmes. [She might have had a poster on her wall, but I had scrapbooks!]. Every impassioned fist pump, every gleaming smile, each glint of what was later proved to be maniacal religious fervour in your eye - it was all so special. Remember that week in France, when the only CD I had was the soundtrack to Top Gun? And that birthday cake my mum made, where you were framed in marzipan and had signed 'love Tom' in icing across your chest? The way you and Bryan Brown introduced me to cocktails at the age of thirteen and now I can't go an evening without vodka? But the timing was never right for us. I had homework to do, you had award ceremonies; I had my French GSCE to revise for, you had the Irish accent to murder. [Cocktail and Far and Away. Impressive]. I'd have happily eschewed heels for you, but by the time you ditched Nicole I was already married to a short guy who can make a mojito. Them's the breaks.

And now Katie Holmes has made a run for it. Joey finally got together with Dawson and discovered that - despite those long evenings of platonic snuggling - he's only now thought to mention that actually, he's descended from alien beings called thetans, massacred by intergalactic dictator Xenu, and whose spirits live inside volcanos. O-kaaay. But hey, he's her soulmate, and has a great smile - so what if he's bat shit crazy a little eccentric?

Seriously? I thought you were just kidding with that 'War of the Worlds' stuff

Anyway, my point is that while our story never got to be told, I don't begrudge Tom happiness. In fact, I'd like to help him find love again, no man should stand on the red carpet alone. If he was happy for Scientology bigwigs to interview for his last wife, I'm sure he won't object to my putting forward a few candidates.

Bachelorette Number 1 - Miss Katie Price

He's got an 'ology? He must be well clever

 I know, I know - but just bear with me here. At first glance the mega boobed model and reality TV star might not seem like the perfect consort for Hollywood's highest paid midget, but consider the evidence:

Dentistry! They both boast a set of veneers of migraine inducing brightness, Katie won't have to worry about 'British teeth' jibes when she hits Hollywood.

Nips and Tucks! Katie's always been upfront about her inflated chest, trout pout and use of botox, whereas  Tom says he has never had any surgery and never would. Putting aside the fact that it's widely claimed he had a nose job as a teenager, he doesn't appear to have altered in appearance since, ooh, sometime around the millennium. Perhaps achieving the top operating level in Scientology allows you to simply stop ageing. Also, Katie recently tweeted her new qualification in spray tanning. Although Tom tends to shun the orange look in his lady friends - we know that Katie likes a man who resembles an oompa-loompa. You only have to look at former husbands Alex Reid and Peter Andre:

Alpha, Bravo, Tango

 Maybe she could cut down on the fake bake herself and aim the nozzle at Tom instead. 

Oh. Someone already has

Parenting! Scientologists believe that children should be treated as mini adults, with their whims and caprices pandered to as though they were reasonable requests. This is why the Daily Mail has treated us to five years' worth of pictures of Suri - over-tired and sulky looking, with unbrushed hair and wearing high heels. Katie seems to have a similar philosophy to Tom, judging from photographs of her daughter Princess Tiaamii sporting fake eyelashes or straightened hair. No clashes about how to raise the kids if these guys blended their families. And think of all the new recruits to Scientology!

Suri Cruise - lipstick, heels and handbag

False eyelashes for Princess, age 2

Mummy's got the GHDs out

Media Frenzy! There's nothing the celeb rags like more than the pointless joining of names to make a super-couple - see 'Bennifer' and 'Brangelina' as cases in point - but it would be a shame to lose the frankly genius 'TomKat'. And now we don't have to! And how much easier for Tom to not have to bother learning a new name! None of that "Yes, Ka..errr, darling". Katie would finally break America - scoring a decisive killer blow to Victoria Beckham in the process - and the editor of OK magazine would spontaneously combust with utter joy.

I make a compelling case, I'm sure you'll agree. But impressive as the assets she'd bring to the partnership are, perhaps she'd be a little too in your face for the Hollywood types to handle.Which brings us to my next suggestion.

Batchelorettes Number 2 and 3 - The X Factor Girls!

Dannii Minogue



Height! No ditching of the killer heels required. Whereas Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes could pop their beer on his head when wearing stilettos, at 5"2, Dannii's beloved collection of sparkly Gina sandals would be safe if she were to start dating Tom. Sinitta's not much bigger at 5'4" - you can put those elevator shoes back in the closet Mr Cruise!

Compatibility! Back in the dark ages when Sinitta was the squirly haired pop strumpet of the day, her main hit was 'So Macho'.
Her guy has 'got to have big blue eyes' - check! 'Be big and strong' - Ok, he's not the tallest, but he has some pretty impressive abs for a guys of 50. And finally - she claims to want 'a man who will dominate me/Someone who will love and protect me/And take care of my every need'. If you believe the tabloids that includes opening your post and emails 'for security', and hiring goons to follow you around. Oh, and living with his mother. But some girls like that, right? Right?

Past Dating History!


A neon smiled megalomaniac millionaire who lies about his height?
Tom's quids in!

Batchelorette number 4 - Just who is this fresh faced beauty?


Be happy Tom. And please don't sue me.

Lakota x


  1. LOL great work! You have missed your calling,
    love matcher to the stars!

  2. Brilliant... TomKat 2 - it just makes so much sense when you weigh up the evidence you've presented!!!

    I'm *still recovering* from the er, shame of finding him actually pretty hot in Rock of Ages.... who knew, eh?;) xx

  3. Lol, excellent. Oooh, imagaine the TomKat 2 media frenzy, what a hoot that would be!

  4. oh my god - is that Travolta in drag?! Let's hope he gets together with Katie Price - she's painfully dense and would probably start believing all the crazy talk. Princess with the eyelashes and adult children really freak me out too, it's all a bit Jean Benet for my liking. You make me laugh so much!!!

  5. Very funny blog. Thanks for giving me a great start to the day.

  6. You matchmaker you! :P Love this sure put a smile on my face today...

  7. A fabulous bit of matchmaking - it all makes so much sense! Thanks for a great laugh. Love the picture of Jeanette Travolta, John's little known twin sister. She could be just the ticket!

  8. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...
    only, don't make it Tom Cruise!
    Love this post and yep! TomKat2 seems the perfect combo.
    Trouble is , after 3 bites at this marriage lark, I really feel he should give up. And if it is all as spooky as it's made out to be, I don't hate anyone enough to put them up to be Mrs Tom Cruise the third.
    Smaller bloke who makes mojitos - perfect choice! Has he got a brother????
    Z xx

  9. Ha, despite my dislike of Katie Price, even I wouldn't wish Tom Cruise on her! He is the oddest little man...
    Great work, a career in running a dating agency and/or Hello/OK journalism awaits!
    Kids, especially little girls, dressed up as mini adults make me feel nauseous. Enough with the high heels and the false eyelashes for toddlers! xxxx

  10. Genius, just genius.

    Reckon your final contestant is more...err...Tom's cup of tea ;0)

  11. This post is just classic I love it....thanks for starting off my weekend with a smile :)

  12. Oh how I once drooled over Tom...until he started acting like a 3 year old jumping on the furniture(I have my own kids to tend to). Sigh.

    I love this post, fantastic.

  13. Oh bravo Lakota, this is hilarious, love it!!

  14. Lakota you make me laugh out loud. Genius post xx

  15. Once again funniest blogger of the year LAKOTA! Ah I love this and I'm all for finding love took and I vote for the last one :) Have a great weekend sweets!

  16. If I wasn't laughing enough that photo of a tranny Travolta's just finished me off! x

  17. I think the final one, might be the most appropriate, ahem........

  18. So funny. He is a strange one.

    Am I the only one who finds the pictures of Suri more disturbing than those of Princess?


  19. How the hell do you get a 2 year old to sit still long enough to attach eye lashes? If Jordan's control over her children extends to getting them to sit still enough for that then I might be prepared to take parenting tips from her (although I'd use the results for essential scenarios like sitting still on trains rather than for attaching eyelashes. My nearly 2 yr old bag of beans is cute enough - I don't think he needs bigger lashes.

  20. I cannot stop laughing.
    You are soooooooooooooooo good, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  21. Interesting choices, but I just don't think they are bat shit crazy enough! Perhaps a crazy cat lady, or the woman in every town that yells at traffic with a cone on their head.
    Can't wait for the inevitable south park episode mocking their divorce!

    Gems x

    Fashion, Well Done

  22. You kill me. No really.

    Matchmaker to Tom Cruise. I hope you get a prize for this one.

  23. Oh my god, this whole post is just seriously hilarious. Tom freaks my freak in a bad way but I'm glad that he has been able to freak your freak in a good way. Please tell me that there are photos of that birthday cake!

  24. Brilliant, these posts crack me up every time!

  25. ABSOLUTE. BLOOMING. GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (Doesn't Princess look like Peter Andre! Blooomin heck! Her hair is mad though!)

  26. Oh I soo needed that, I have tears running down my cheeks, it's the way you tell 'em. Very very funny. You should be published in a magazine. If you already are pleeease tell me which. If not get this sent to Hello maybe you could get a contract. xxxxxxxxxxx

  27. I love this post! Hilarious and so well written! It would be amazing to see him with Katie Price! XxxX

  28.'ve done him proud. I'm still feeling disturbed at the sight of those child women and the Travolta woman. I must go and get a cuppa.

  29. Oh Lakota, I laughed, I cried, I shuddered, I retched... One thing I know, I won't be volunteering for the role!

    Now on to your question on my blog. Well, no one in my family (except the dog, who is truly French) has ever been prescribed a suppository. So I think they may be a bit passé these days. Steriods are certainly à la mode. So is homeopathy. Go figure...

  30. Ah I would like to see him contend with Jordan - ha! :) xx

  31. This post made me chuckle!

    I vote for the last one. I think they'd be perfect for each other.

  32. Oh this is just fabulous, I was giggling the whole time.
    Love v

  33. Oh this is sooooo funny - I should have worn the Tena Lady to prevent leakage from laughing!!!

  34. OMG you actually have it spot on Katie Price is the perfect wife ha ha ha!!

  35. CAN'T TYPE... LAUGHING... this is about the funniest thing I have ever read. OMG! I LOVE IT!!! Sarah xxx

  36. O,kerist,I'm about to piss my. panties!!!
    FarKing BRILLANT!

  37. I am dieing of laughter amor!
    Katie will be too much for his midget fake smile.
    John Travolta on the other hand is his secret soul mate lover.

  38. Absolutely brilliant - you make my day. Linda xxx


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