Perverts, vamps and voting...

Blogging is a marvellous thing. Not only do you get to connect with lunatics crafty/stylish/literary geniuses all round the globe - but there's the dubious bonus of discovering the ways in which people use and abuse Google. And indeed the English language. Yes, I speak of the peculiar pleasure of trawling the 'search keywords' section of your blog stats.

If you read 'How to drive traffic to your blog' type posts you'll be told to keep a keen eye on your keywords, work out what's popular and tailor your writing accordingly. I suppose if you're a fashion blogger and continually get hits for 'Topshop' or '70s style flares' this could be helpful. However my keywords range from the perverse to the ridiculous, and quite frankly, I'll decide what to write, not the work-shy bloke from Doncaster* who googles 'plump luscious booty' every single bloody morning. Besides, what my stats have told me is that whilst many people are keen (and specific) in their admiration of ladies' nether parts, there was a reason for the original photo which I assume led to all this, which is unlikely to be repeated. I had thought I was justified in continuing the Magic and Madness of Ebay series, given the number of people searching for 'dark magic priestesses' and all kinds of cosmetic procedures with 'spell' tacked on the end, but then it dawned on me that they'd be unlikely to appreciate my slant on it. It continues regardless.

Here's my search keywords from earlier today, pretty standard really, although the djinns are recent addition following the genie post.

They're a bit weird, but I can see how they all led to my blog. Same with 'Felt asparagus' which popped up recently. Some poor crafty type was innocently searching for fake food patterns and got me in a belligerent mood. Thing is, I was joking, naively thinking that making fabric aphrodisiacs was a pretty unlikely pastime. I've since Googled it myself  (thus perpetuating the madness). It isn't. I apologise.

However, occasionally there's a really random one. Whilst I do have an admitted fondness for vintage children's books, I'm not sure I ever reviewed this particular tome:

Aah, who doesn't remember this tale from their childhood?

'The Little Blue Gray Kitten Old Lady Saucer', an absolute classic.

Good luck with that, Googler. 

And 'malt coloured eyes'? WTF is that about? That's the colour you've set your heart on? Malt? As in beer or that sticky fruit loaf your mum used to buy which welds itself to your soft palette? Weirdo. [If you meant multi-coloured, then you're just stupid].

The thing is, even when it isn't the semi naked picture search luring people to my blog, the keywords are somehow pornographic. 'Cock and Testicles earrings' for example. Yes, I like earrings. I have been on a hen night or two in my time. I have never eulogised about genital themed jewellery. This search does not help me write posts that normal people want to read. As for whoever was searching for 'plump nude grannies', one can only guess at the many many pages of geriatric exhibitionists which must have come before the fateful click where he discovered me discussing crochet blankets. That shows true dedication to niche pornography. I'm so sorry for the inevitable disappointment. At least fans of 'Eric Northman Nude' get what they're looking for here. I am tempted to post something ridiculous like 'velvet onion etching', just to see if anyone ever searches the term. Any suggestions? There'll be a prize if it ever turns up in my stats!

Anyway, occasionally the stats tab brings a pleasant surprise, which occurred when I realised a couple of people had been referred here by the Dorset Cereals website, which run a 'little blog awards'. Someone (and by that I mean my husband, presumably) has nominated me, and as there is cereal and an egg-cup (yes, seriously) up for grabs - why wouldn't I want to win? Why, it's virtually the Oscars! Just with healthy oat and wheat flakes and without the Tom Hanks bias. If you like the blog and would be kind enough to vote for me, you can click the link below or see picture on my sidebar. You could win cereals too, just by voting!

http://www.dorsetcereals.co.uk/fun-stuff/little-blog-awards/nomination/5507

Do let me know about your oddest searches.

Lakota x

*I admit this may be extrapolation on my part