Friday, 11 November 2011

Perverts, vamps and voting...

Blogging is a marvellous thing. Not only do you get to connect with lunatics crafty/stylish/literary geniuses all round the globe - but there's the dubious bonus of discovering the ways in which people use and abuse Google. And indeed the English language. Yes, I speak of the peculiar pleasure of trawling the 'search keywords' section of your blog stats.

If you read 'How to drive traffic to your blog' type posts you'll be told to keep a keen eye on your keywords, work out what's popular and tailor your writing accordingly. I suppose if you're a fashion blogger and continually get hits for 'Topshop' or '70s style flares' this could be helpful. However my keywords range from the perverse to the ridiculous, and quite frankly, I'll decide what to write, not the work-shy bloke from Doncaster* who googles 'plump luscious booty' every single bloody morning. Besides, what my stats have told me is that whilst many people are keen (and specific) in their admiration of ladies' nether parts, there was a reason for the original photo which I assume led to all this, which is unlikely to be repeated. I had thought I was justified in continuing the Magic and Madness of Ebay series, given the number of people searching for 'dark magic priestesses' and all kinds of cosmetic procedures with 'spell' tacked on the end, but then it dawned on me that they'd be unlikely to appreciate my slant on it. It continues regardless.

Here's my search keywords from earlier today, pretty standard really, although the djinns are recent addition following the genie post.



They're a bit weird, but I can see how they all led to my blog. Same with 'Felt asparagus' which popped up recently. Some poor crafty type was innocently searching for fake food patterns and got me in a belligerent mood. Thing is, I was joking, naively thinking that making fabric aphrodisiacs was a pretty unlikely pastime. I've since Googled it myself  (thus perpetuating the madness). It isn't. I apologise.

However, occasionally there's a really random one. Whilst I do have an admitted fondness for vintage children's books, I'm not sure I ever reviewed this particular tome:

Aah, who doesn't remember this tale from their childhood?
'The Little Blue Gray Kitten Old Lady Saucer', an absolute classic.
Good luck with that, Googler. 

And 'malt coloured eyes'? WTF is that about? That's the colour you've set your heart on? Malt? As in beer or that sticky fruit loaf your mum used to buy which welds itself to your soft palette? Weirdo. [If you meant multi-coloured, then you're just stupid].

The thing is, even when it isn't the semi naked picture search luring people to my blog, the keywords are somehow pornographic. 'Cock and Testicles earrings' for example. Yes, I like earrings. I have been on a hen night or two in my time. I have never eulogised about genital themed jewellery. This search does not help me write posts that normal people want to read. As for whoever was searching for 'plump nude grannies', one can only guess at the many many pages of geriatric exhibitionists which must have come before the fateful click where he discovered me discussing crochet blankets. That shows true dedication to niche pornography. I'm so sorry for the inevitable disappointment. At least fans of 'Eric Northman Nude' get what they're looking for here. I am tempted to post something ridiculous like 'velvet onion etching', just to see if anyone ever searches the term. Any suggestions? There'll be a prize if it ever turns up in my stats!

Anyway, occasionally the stats tab brings a pleasant surprise, which occurred when I realised a couple of people had been referred here by the Dorset Cereals website, which run a 'little blog awards'. Someone (and by that I mean my husband, presumably) has nominated me, and as there is cereal and an egg-cup (yes, seriously) up for grabs - why wouldn't I want to win? Why, it's virtually the Oscars! Just with healthy oat and wheat flakes and without the Tom Hanks bias. If you like the blog and would be kind enough to vote for me, you can click the link below or see picture on my sidebar. You could win cereals too, just by voting!

http://www.dorsetcereals.co.uk/fun-stuff/little-blog-awards/nomination/5507

Do let me know about your oddest searches.

Lakota x


*I admit this may be extrapolation on my part

58 comments:

  1. I think my oddest one was 'ragged boobs'?! No idea how a) boobs can even BE ragged!? b) it led them to me!!

    Shall figure out how to vote for you and vote - who wouldn't want the cereal and egg cup. Get in

    Jem xXx

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  2. Aaaaand have voted, was actually very simple - expected more difficulty somehow! Lol

    Jem xXx

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  3. Voted! I hope I win a case of something I can't eat!

    I have no interested search words at all - I feel ripped off!

    Sarah (aka Ragged Boobs) xxx

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  4. Will a vote from Australia count?
    I too have had someone search for luscious grannies (or something along those lines...) on my blog, bet they were disappointed...

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  5. Stirrup pant porn has appeared multiple times. I only blogged my stirrup pants ones. There r some freaky folk out there. But google searches have come a long way. Back in the day we would just type in crazy websites like monster dick.com and hit enter to see if it actually existed.

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  6. Moms boobs tube or some variation was a fairly popular search item. I have since removed the post that was generating that traffic. The original post pertained to movies I like.

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  7. Plump grannies? Really? Maybe it's the Big Bad Wolf doing those searches?

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  8. ha that's funny! my search words are quite dull... and also i feel sorry for the people who are searching for 'french actors' and get to my blog where i just say 'he's cute, huh' and so on....

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  9. My favorite search term was 'what happens if you eat the plastic round a cucumber'!

    I voted for you too!

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  10. mwuahahaha on the search keywords pic there! cock and testicles earrings sound challenging wearing them i suppose hehehe and i didnt get to find out what's velvet onion etching is on google but ur blog came up on the 5th on google result after a website called velvet onion but no etchings hehehe

    I have voted for you! xxx susan

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  11. Voted, from a variety of devices and accounts (and locations!). I used to buy Dorset Cereals when I worked, and could afford foods other than gruel.
    I've had some worrying search terms end up in my traffic stats, but mainly bizarre or funny. "Solving crepe paper skin elderly ladies" (popular, these elderly searches, aren't they?) "Does oven suicide really work?" and since mentioning Oscar from Sesame Street - at least once a day "green dude bin Sesame Street" by far the most common reason for extra traffic to my blog.
    Good luck with the cereal comp, I think next year you'll be winning a big award.

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  12. I've voted too, so fingers crossed the award will be winging its way to you soon!

    P.S. Great post, thanks for making me chuckle this morning ;-)

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  13. Voted. :) Good luck.

    Just checked my stats and all my searches are spot on for what I write about...sewing, vintage finds, charity shopping...not one funny or bizarre thing. Boo!

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  14. I used to get weird stuff like "daughter style" so stopped using the "d" word in my posts - I found it slightly freaky. But looking today, I've got the usual "granny knickers", "girdles", "1930s poses" and "we didn't need dialogue, we had faces" - what the? I love your's they're hilarious! OMG the no-bum jeans - I want to poke my eyes out!!!!!!!! xo

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  15. Jeez my search words are all so boring compared to yours-of course I had to look them up right away! Half of them were actually searching for my blog though, so I suppose thats something. I had a referral from fetlife.com once, dunno how, a site that will make you feel eminently normal (i sure did!) if you have the stomach to check it out.

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  16. This post had me laughing out loud! Just started my blog and am yet to have anything appearing in my google search words section, but after reading this I look forward to the first one appearing with relish!

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  17. hee hee - hadn't realised you could do this on your stats: you really have been causing havoc, haven't you!

    alas, mine are fairly mundande - had noticed a lot of traffic on my 70's wallpaper post; that's people searching "vintage wallpaper" to buy - bet it makes their day seeing my dad's bathroom...

    only one "kinky" search term in my list - "femme a bit". again, I don't think anyone finding the blog that way stays very long!

    have to be careful with twitter - tweet about someone's shoes and you get followed by tarts selling f**k me shoes;) xx

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  18. Voted!

    I get all kinds of weird in my key search words, but I can usually see a logic behind them. But I've had a running battle with someone who keeps making the word 'pusy' appear. Not only is there no reason for this to be linked to my blog, but they can't even spell it right! I find if you change your blogger password to something really obscure, they go away.

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  19. Hi my dear!! What a funny post, google is indeed a very strange and wonderful phenonomen!! Have a wonderful weekend xxxx

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  20. For the longest time my top two keyword searches were 'cannibalism at a Clash gig' and 'McDonald's bag on head'. Go figure.

    K xx

    I've never discussed cannibalism btw....Or worn a MaccyD's bag.

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  21. Mine are all terribly common and unexciting I’m sorry to say. I can’t vote because you have to be a UK resident :( I’ll pass on the word though.

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  22. Voted!!

    Nothing exciting in my stats ;(

    Must try harder x

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  23. Haha, great post. I always have random key words. Today i have 'great i cant feel my nuts squirrel photo' and 'nurse fetish'. The perverts must be finding me from your blog *wink* Scarlett x

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  24. Hee! What weird searches. I had 'how to draw a kestrel step by step' once, which was probably the most unusual.

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  25. I've got "mistress in leather" - I'm quite excited at the thought!
    Voted, good luck! xxxxxx

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  26. Brillant post,G and I have giggled our way through it!
    9/10 of my searchwords are Cynthia Myers!I once did a post on her,and may have mentioned her once or twice...nothing exciting at all,dammit!
    XXX

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  27. I just love the weird and wonderful searches that somehow lead people to my blog. Many make me laugh!

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  28. I had a great chuckle while reading this. Thanks for the upbeat post! andrea@townandprairie

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  29. Thanks for the laugh - do you suppose that poor man who googles luscious booty is looking for Pirate's Booty non glutten health snack?

    I'd be afraid to check what search words people are using to land on my blog, it might make me start second guessing every word I chose.

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  30. Oh my goodness I was laughing SO hard reading this post...I read it aloud to my hubs and he was laughing hysterically too!

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  31. Ha! very funny! I've never looked at stats before...leather macrame placemat is the oddest...BORING! I must mention bums a bit more often I think! Have voted, good luck x

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  32. Hilarious!!!! I've never investigated my keywords before, and now, I am glad you've bought this to my attention, for it appears, in my top 10, are: fashion hunters store (yeah Ok I can live with that) but number 9; space invaders... ?!!!!

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  33. Voted! I love checking mine, they really are bizarre, "garbage picked hi-fi" "How to date antique Fownes gloves" and "vintage romantic wallpaper" are all in the top ten!

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  34. How bizzare! I don't think I've checked mine before properly, I'm definetly going to go and have a look now.
    You have to win the cereal and egg cup, it would be the most blog worthy prize! xxx

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  35. I am rubbish at the whole key word search thing...in fact, since I moved to the new version of Google, I haven't even worked out how to add labels on to my post. Gah! I must sort this out! x

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  36. Well if I search for velvet onion etchings you only come 5th on the list!!!

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  37. This is hilarious! Your too funny.
    My words are mexican vintage hairstyles and chi chis (breast) ,vintage passions just like mine.
    Must of been when i changed my domain name.
    Nothing to scandalous.

    Besotes

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  38. Haha, I love musings on stats! There are always inexplicable shockers, aren't they? xx

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  39. Oh poo, I've just had a look at my stats and mine are really boring - too boring to repeat.

    I've definitely voted - how exciting! xx

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  40. HAHAHA.... that was one funny entry :D

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  41. Already mentioned my odd one on Twitter, someone landed on my blog googling 'Tina Turner's Camel Toe' - the mind boggles!! x

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  42. Me again. Yes, I'm still examining my stats. (I know, I know, the words "Life" and "Get a" spring to mind). Anyway, I'm delighted to find "six pack soda can plastic holder wreath". Not brilliant, I know. Oh and "squirrel knobs". Hoorah, that's more like it!

    OK, I go now......

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  43. I don't have anything nearly as interesting! Although I do like "similar to junkhouse". I hope they like my blog so much that they are looking for more and not looking for something similiar, but without my bad jokes.

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  44. I get lots of 'girls night out short skirt' 'knee high socks'. I always think how disappointed they must be!

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  45. I don't think I've had anything weird enough to really stick in the memory. I mostly tweet about them in a WTF sort of way and then they vanish from my memory.

    Oh hang on, someone searched "pastel and girly" and found my blog. How? HOW?! It makes no sense whatsoever.

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  46. I do love your posts Lakota and have enjoyed reading back from when I first discovered your blog AND I know where I can always come when in need of some Eric Northman eye candy :)I'm off to look at my stats now but i'm sure they won't be as interesting as yours x

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  47. Its about time I lost the femme anglaise bit, but have now started to get "femmes in wellies" in the stats, so maybe I'll leave it for a while longer;)

    Soz, too excited by all this wonderful and random nonsense t'other day to say I'll vote too. Hope ya win! x

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  48. It kind of freaks me out that these people may come anywhere near my blog so avoid mentioning anything weird, even in jest, just in case. Perhaps I should reconsider just for the laugh value though. The most random search terms I get are 'words of wisdom' just a shame it isn't true!

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  49. Lakota! You won my tell me the dollys story contest and so i have some cute, (christmas-yes!) stuff to send your way if you let me know your address x

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  50. Just about to go and vote for you after commenting! So funny and slighly alarming! I just checked my stats and all of it is pretty predictable and nothing sinister- these are my most unusual search terms: 'girl feetpretty soles 3', and
    "rubbish collectors laughed" -which is a little odd - why???

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  51. I once wrote a blog post about chutney making being all about 'delayed gratification', you ah ... can guess the rest. Eeew. Voted! Good luck :-)

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  52. I have had a search for 'dirty sexy hello kitty' Mmm, some fetish you got there mate. :/

    Most of my odd ones are 'big booty' (I do indeed have, as I prefer to phrase it, a fat ass).

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  53. Hello! Just found your blog and this had me chuckling away my insomniac evening! The weirdest search that ever led someone to my blog was "gunshot wound." No idea how my blog would come up in a search for that, and its scary to think of who might be searching for that and why? I just checked new searches and the weirdest is "trying to look like an old woman" 3 searches for that. I just turned 52 yesterday... not sure if I should be insulted or complimented!

    BTW, read your eBay weirdness posts (love them!) and for some reason a little bell went off and I found myself sleuthing. I *think* I may know who "Master Andreas" is... I wouldn't put it past this cretin to rip people off like this, so if I get more proof he may find out what its like to deal with real life demons!
    XXX
    Suzanne

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  54. hi was just seeing if you minded a comment. i like your website and the thme you picked is super. I will be back. shopping Land

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