Halloween. I think we can all agree that the Americans do it better than us. It's kind of cute when the neighbours' 4 year old comes round as a mini skeleton and lisps 'trick or treat' at you at 5pm. It's less fun when you're attempting to watch
Eastenders and have opened the door to the 14th hulking teen in a Scream mask menacing you for fun size Cadburys. You could go to a party, but options are limited - what will it be this year - slutty witch, slutty vampire or slutty cat? [The same low-cut flammable polyester bustier can be pressed into service for all three]. Our pals across the pond meanwhile are rocking 'Octomom', 'dismembered torso in a suitcase', and erm, 'ball pool'.
Pete Burns wasn't sure his job as Angelina's nanny was working out
Jeez, why's it always the ketchup that leaks?
It never pays to rummage much below the top layer. There'll be an apple core and a dirty nappy in there somewhere. Mark my words.
But who is Halloween really all about? Have we forgotten the true meaning of Samhain? Without the sterling efforts of our feline friends it's highly possible that many women burned as witches might have lived full boring lives as local herbalists. Imagine how dull things might have been without the caprice of our canine companions leading early villagers to believe in the presence of demons. It's only right that we repay them for these services, don't you think? And what better way than allowing them their own little slice of Halloween magic? See how happy they look:
Avada Kedavra.
Seriously motherfucker. We are THROUGH
Ginger and Tiddles had been listening to backwards records again.
You know things are bad when a beagle's eyes seem to be saying '
Please, take me back to the research lab. I miss the toasted taste of Lucky Strike'.
Go Team
Sweet Lolita kitteh says kawaii. Whatever.
I'm confused Mommy. Who's Cerberus?
Try this again and you lose a finger.
If you've always wished for a different, more exotic pet - Halloween is the perfect time to put your wishes into action. No need to trawl Craigs list or purchase an
unreliable transformation spell from eBay - simply strap on the prosthetic bunny ears and away you go:
Imma get Jurassic on yo' ass
Hey, weren't you in Willow?
Just kill me.
Skunk dog thinks you stink
What's up dawg?
Spiderpug. Combining cute and horrific since 1998
Mutant spider dog would probably be enough to keep me off your lawn, but if you're really anti trick or treaters you could bring out the big guns:
I know, I know, it's wrong to paint pets or give them extra limbs. But occasionally an outfit is so perfect we should just chuck animal rights out of the window entirely. If I were in charge of such matters this guy would be forced to dress as Winnie the Pooh every day, and I usually HATE the Disney version:
You're with me on this, right?
Peta are just going to have to find a new spokesperson, cos it's going to take a hero to stop this kind of exploitation:
Happy Halloween!
Lakota x
