Mission Impossible? In which I choose a new wife for Tom Cruise

Oh TC, it could have been so perfect between us. I don't mean to brag, but I think I'd have been the ideal amalgamation of your first three wives. Boobs of Mimi Rogers, pallor of Nicole Kidman and childhood superfan like Katie Holmes. [She might have had a poster on her wall, but I had scrapbooks!]. Every impassioned fist pump, every gleaming smile, each glint of what was later proved to be maniacal religious fervour in your eye - it was all so special. Remember that week in France, when the only CD I had was the soundtrack to Top Gun? And that birthday cake my mum made, where you were framed in marzipan and had signed 'love Tom' in icing across your chest? The way you and Bryan Brown introduced me to cocktails at the age of thirteen and now I can't go an evening without vodka? But the timing was never right for us. I had homework to do, you had award ceremonies; I had my French GSCE to revise for, you had the Irish accent to murder. [Cocktail and Far and Away. Impressive]. I'd have happily eschewed heels for you, but by the time you ditched Nicole I was already married to a short guy who can make a mojito. Them's the breaks.

And now Katie Holmes has made a run for it. Joey finally got together with Dawson and discovered that - despite those long evenings of platonic snuggling - he's only now thought to mention that actually, he's descended from alien beings called thetans, massacred by intergalactic dictator Xenu, and whose spirits live inside volcanos. O-kaaay. But hey, he's her soulmate, and has a great smile - so what if he's bat shit crazy a little eccentric?

Seriously? I thought you were just kidding with that 'War of the Worlds' stuff

Anyway, my point is that while our story never got to be told, I don't begrudge Tom happiness. In fact, I'd like to help him find love again, no man should stand on the red carpet alone. If he was happy for Scientology bigwigs to interview for his last wife, I'm sure he won't object to my putting forward a few candidates.

Bachelorette Number 1 - Miss Katie Price

He's got an 'ology? He must be well clever

 I know, I know - but just bear with me here. At first glance the mega boobed model and reality TV star might not seem like the perfect consort for Hollywood's highest paid midget, but consider the evidence:

Dentistry! They both boast a set of veneers of migraine inducing brightness, Katie won't have to worry about 'British teeth' jibes when she hits Hollywood.

Nips and Tucks! Katie's always been upfront about her inflated chest, trout pout and use of botox, whereas  Tom says he has never had any surgery and never would. Putting aside the fact that it's widely claimed he had a nose job as a teenager, he doesn't appear to have altered in appearance since, ooh, sometime around the millennium. Perhaps achieving the top operating level in Scientology allows you to simply stop ageing. Also, Katie recently tweeted her new qualification in spray tanning. Although Tom tends to shun the orange look in his lady friends - we know that Katie likes a man who resembles an oompa-loompa. You only have to look at former husbands Alex Reid and Peter Andre:

Alpha, Bravo, Tango

 Maybe she could cut down on the fake bake herself and aim the nozzle at Tom instead. 

Oh. Someone already has

Parenting! Scientologists believe that children should be treated as mini adults, with their whims and caprices pandered to as though they were reasonable requests. This is why the Daily Mail has treated us to five years' worth of pictures of Suri - over-tired and sulky looking, with unbrushed hair and wearing high heels. Katie seems to have a similar philosophy to Tom, judging from photographs of her daughter Princess Tiaamii sporting fake eyelashes or straightened hair. No clashes about how to raise the kids if these guys blended their families. And think of all the new recruits to Scientology!

Suri Cruise - lipstick, heels and handbag

False eyelashes for Princess, age 2

Mummy's got the GHDs out

Media Frenzy! There's nothing the celeb rags like more than the pointless joining of names to make a super-couple - see 'Bennifer' and 'Brangelina' as cases in point - but it would be a shame to lose the frankly genius 'TomKat'. And now we don't have to! And how much easier for Tom to not have to bother learning a new name! None of that "Yes, Ka..errr, darling". Katie would finally break America - scoring a decisive killer blow to Victoria Beckham in the process - and the editor of OK magazine would spontaneously combust with utter joy.

I make a compelling case, I'm sure you'll agree. But impressive as the assets she'd bring to the partnership are, perhaps she'd be a little too in your face for the Hollywood types to handle.Which brings us to my next suggestion.

Batchelorettes Number 2 and 3 - The X Factor Girls!

Dannii Minogue

Vs

Sinitta

Height! No ditching of the killer heels required. Whereas Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes could pop their beer on his head when wearing stilettos, at 5"2, Dannii's beloved collection of sparkly Gina sandals would be safe if she were to start dating Tom. Sinitta's not much bigger at 5'4" - you can put those elevator shoes back in the closet Mr Cruise!

Compatibility! Back in the dark ages when Sinitta was the squirly haired pop strumpet of the day, her main hit was 'So Macho'.

Her guy has 'got to have big blue eyes' - check! 'Be big and strong' - Ok, he's not the tallest, but he has some pretty impressive abs for a guys of 50. And finally - she claims to want 'a man who will dominate me/Someone who will love and protect me/And take care of my every need'. If you believe the tabloids that includes opening your post and emails 'for security', and hiring goons to follow you around. Oh, and living with his mother. But some girls like that, right? Right?

Past Dating History!

Ladeez...

A neon smiled megalomaniac millionaire who lies about his height?

Tom's quids in!

Batchelorette number 4 - Just who is this fresh faced beauty?

Eek!

Be happy Tom. And please don't sue me.

Lakota x